Tuffgirl

It is not easy to disengage. We talk about it a lot here. And it is not easy.

I lost it today.

I got a "friendly reminder" (direct quote, btw) of a payment due on a joint credit card from the estranged RAH. WTF? Since when did he decide that is ok? To send me friendly reminders that bills are due? Ummm... the last time I checked, I was a full-fledged grown up who has paid her own bills all by her grown-up self for more than 2 decades of adulthood.

Why?!! And although I knew in my head - hell my brain was SHOUTING "don't respond, don't respond" why did I respond? He immediately got mad. Of course, he was "just being friendly". But the real issue came out - he doesn't like this "joint" anything. It is the only "joint" anything we had in our marriage. And he doesn't like it. So that wasn't a friendly reminder. That was a controlling poke at me.

And I reacted. Badly. Major overreaction. I am sick to my stomach and near tears. I knew better than to respond to that. But I did, I let my offended feelings get the best of me, engaged in an argument, got my feelings hurt even more, got validation of just how flippin angry he still is at me, and now sit here feeling like a stupid psycho girl.

I told him off. Told him to keep his trust issues on his side of the street. Told him he was acting like his mother (ouch, I know, I was pissed) and I didn't need another parent in my life. He told me to stop talking or texting because I was being abusive. I followed that up with "never ever do that to me again. I don't treat you this way. Please don't do it to me". The thing is, I am not being abusive. I am angry. I am PISSED OFF! He is not hearing me. I hate that. Why is it so hard to just acknowledge me?

Why is it so hard for me to just shut the heck up?

Alone22

Hey if it makes you feel any better I flipped out yesterday because "R"AH spent $60 bucks on two lunches for himself when we are trying to be wise with our spending because it has been out of control. Honestly I flipped too because he swears he isn't drinking and I'm like who the heck spends $32 on lunch without booze?! Of course I get the "I make the money response" and "who am I to question him about a stupid $30 lunch".... BUT it is so dang self centered of him to do it. I'm busy pinching pennies and he has two over priced lunches! Hello we have three kids and for once I would love for him to think more in the line of " I should have a cheap lunch and take my wife out for a nice dinner"!

I guess I needed to smack my head against the wall another time just to remember how it feels.

Hard to be detached when you want scream..lol

GettingBy

Sometimes the bait is just so darn juicy you can help but bite on!!!

Just out of curiosity - if you two are separated/estranged - why do you even have a joint credit card? The first thing I did when I decided I needed to separate from my AH... get rid of EVERYTHING joint. Joint credit cards, joint checking, hell - I even sent the car I loved and adored down the road... because it had two names on the title. I'm working on getting rid of the house too!! It's all about limiting (the best I can!) my AH's "access" to me.

A joint card gives him a way into your life and business - and it sounds like it's not bringing you peace. Why not get rid of it and get your own individual card - both of you?


P.S. FWIW - if my AH had the audacity to remind ME to pay a damn bill... I would have done more than scream at him.

m1k3

In my case when I moved out I hadn't started recovery yet. All I knew was I just needed to get away. Now that I am in recovery I realize that I can never go back to living with my AW again.

But I also realize that at this point in my recovery I'm not ready to take that next step. I know I'm going to take it but I am going to do it on my time.

One thing with her I'm not worried she'll pull anything funny with the money because I got an offer from my one DD to come live with them. I told AW if she tried anything funny with the money that I would quit working and go do that. If we divide up the pensions I'm getting we would each have about 900 a month to live on. Me at my daughters, no problem, her in the apartment, big problem.

We will just have to wait and see how this drama plays out but at least now I have a say in my role.

Tuffgirl

I made a choice a few months back to not transfer this balance until after I had gotten the mortgage. It would have dinged my credit score during the qualification process. I knowingly decided to wait until next year and just simply continue to make the payments. It is my debt that was transferred onto a much lower rate card.

But what bothers me - more than this stupid reminder - is that I paid off his personal credit card with the higher APR and he won't contribute one cent to this remaining card. The real issue? It's the complete and total stinginess of the whole financial arrangement. It's getting thrown at me a book titled "Financial Infidelity". Yeah - he threw it at me in a drunken tirade.

This is about control. The continual power struggle dance. I am so sick of it. So very sick of the same damn thing over and over again. And the outcome never changes.

It would have been so easy and peaceful and mature to simply say "I am sorry, Tuffgirl, that I came across as offensive. It was not my intention. I am just worried about finances". There - done - no harm no foul. Why is that so freakin hard for them to do? Own your own sh1t, man! Own it!

I should clarify...I can't transfer the balance to my own name because I just took out a mortgage. This is one issue I have to deal with for a while...the bank said to request this at least 6 months after the mortgage...probably closer to 12 months before I can qualify. A house was more important to me than this stupid credit card.

I did download a call/text block app on my phone. If he ever contacts me again about this account, I will block him from ever contacting me again.

LaTeeDa

Well, you can continue to hope that he will stop the power struggle, or you can stop it. Ignore him. Better yet, transfer the balance to a credit card in your own name and be done with his games.

The thing about power struggles is, it takes two. Let him play by himself, or with himself depending on how you look at it.

L

theuncertainty

It's amazing. I swear I had the same conversation with XAH when I'd just left him. I had been paying ALL of the bills out of my income for YEARS because hs paycheck was always 'messed up by HR'. Rent, my car, his truck, health and car insurance for all, utilities, cable, his PPV porn habit that he always blamed on a friend who was never over, groceries, taxes because he had his withholdings so screwed we always owed taxes.... I paid rent to his dad, our landlord, for beyond when I moved out...

And then, XAH had the b-lls to say during our divorce hearing, that he took all of his bills but I didn't take mine when I left him. Stupid, lying, manipulative him. My paperwork included banking, bills and payment info for the last few months I was with him, with statements to back it up. All he had were his lies.

Seems weird for me to be saying this, but expectations for rational, reasonable behavior from an A, even an RAH, when he's losing the person he relied on to fix his financial messes, are very rarely going to be met. But I know you know this.

Deep breath. If you can't transfer the balance yet, how about setting it up in your mind as a future goal? When he contacts you with stupid reminders, and you feel you're getting roped back into his argument, maybe remind him that if he's so afraid you'll miss the due date, he's just as capable of sending in a minimum payment and hang up. Then remind yourself only X more months until the balance can be xfr'd, then x more weeks, then days. (Isn't it funny how 3 months sounds so much shorter than 12 weeks or 90 days?)

Hugs

m1k3

Small steps, could you set up a checking account and move just a little money over there?

Even symbolic victories can be important.

Your friend,

kittykitty

This was obviously a huge trigger for you... why wait until he does it again before you take steps to protect yourself?

That's how my situation got so bad with my ex, everytime he did something that I disagreed with, or something that upset me, I would say "next time he does that, i'll do something about it". I always waited until "next time".

No more Ms. Nexttime. Once is enough for me.

Great, now I have 'No more mr. nice guy' in my head. Thanks alice cooper

skippernlilg

I would put restrictions on my email with my receipt Wizard that anything from XAH goes to the Spam folder. That way, you can save it if you have to go back and refer to anything to take to court, but you don't have to actively read it.

Just a thought about boundaries.

Tuffgirl

Thanks SR friends. Anvil gets the prize today...she's right...the issue isn't this credit card balance. I talked it all over with my sponsor, and it dawned on me. He said one sentence in the midst of the whole nasty argument that was out of context..."How am I supposed to know what is going on in your life?"

Secondly, after a meeting Thursday evening (Al-Anon for me, AA for him, same time same location) I hung around talking with some guys about biking. One was an Al-Anon fellow and the other two were from the AA meeting. The RAH stood off to the side with another group the entire time. When I finally extracted myself to head home, I rode right by him and smiled and said hello, but I didn't stop or anything. I thought it was strange that he would hang around like that but since he didn't make any attempt to have a conversation or join our conversation about biking, I was left with the assumption he was just having a conversation with his AA friends.

I don't think any of this is coincidental. I think he was looking for a fight and threw out some bait that he knew would hook me right in. It worked. Finances is a bitter subject between us. And it is because it was something he used to verbally beat me with, for no apparent reason than to make me feel bad. I manage lots of money for my employer. I manage lots of money for my volunteer boards. I write budgets for grants. The bank just gave me a sweet mortgage. I have an excellent credit score. I pay my bills. I am financially responsible. And I've made this payment on time, each month, for more than a year already.

I think he was mad about the meeting events. He's always been irrationally jealous (another trait that I didn't see until AFTER I said "I do"). Seeing other men take an interest in me - even something as totally harmless as talking to me about biking and trails around our hometown...would set his teeth on edge. I think he worked himself up between Thursday evening and Friday when he sent the text. I think it was his immature fumbling way to try to have a conversation. And that joint account is the only thing left between us. Everything else I have already taken care of.

So this morning, I am realizing I learned a good lesson here. Don't respond immediately when something sends me into an emotional state. Wait. Think. Talk it over with someone first. Read between the lines. Especially since the RAH never communicates directly. Secondly, trust in the fact that things will be as they always are. I keep acting as if the RAH will act differently next time. That's my own distorted thinking. He's given me no reason to think this - that's my own stuff here. If things begin to be different, I can be pleasantly surprised, rather than constantly disgusted and disappointed if they don't change. Lastly, I prefer little contact right now. And that is perfectly ok. He makes me anxious and defensive. In order to protect my serenity, I need to limit the contact we have. And that's ok.

I've done pretty well over the last two months not responding to bait...yesterday I reacted. It caught me off guard. It was something he has never done before. Ever. He's not the "friendly reminder" kind of guy. He's more apt to let you forget so he can use it against you later when he's got his mad on.

And now, I leave this behind to go enjoy my weekend and be grateful that I was able to accomplish all that I accomplished over the last 6 months so this stupid little issue is the only remaining stupid little issue between us.