kittykitty

I'm up in New England, investigating the area where my sister lives, to determine if it's an option for relocation. I'd like to be near family, so my choices are texas and here. I have no job, no home, and not much on the horizon, at least that's how I feel today.

My sister is almost two years older than me. She is in the medical field, and let's just say she is very successful. She owns a condo in another city, rents a beautiful historic home out here, downtown in a beautiful historic city, and just purchased a vacation home in the mountains, which she is now completely renovating and furnishing. She just got married a few months ago, travels all the time, lives the life most people dream about i guess, including me.

I've seen the different roles that the kids play in an alcoholic home, my sister was the over achiever in the family, I was the clown. Advanced placement classes, she was better at sports, super popular, you name it. I was an average student, didn't even develop until my senior year in high school, i remember always feeling like I wasn't good enough compared to my sister. I can't remember anyone telling me outright that I wasn't as good as her, but i remember her getting "hooray's" and me getting "you'll have to do better next time, we know you can". I always wished I could be more like her. It's common for a little sister to look up to her big sister, isn't it?

Fast forward to now...
I am just having the most difficult time getting excited for her and the new house. While I am up here I'm helping out a bit, with hanging curtains, setting up the kitchen, etc, and seeing the amount of money being spent here just turns my stomach. I can't stop saying to myself, 'i don't even have enough money to rent an apartment, and look at her, spending hundreds of dollars on a coffee table...so successful'. Her dining room table costs more than my car (which I can barely afford to make the payments on right now). All these feelings translate into failure. Failure on my part to do well in school, to stick with a career and actually get somewhere, failure to stay focused and save money, failure to find a good relationship and settle down, failure to be successful. I'm not angry at my sister at all, she deserves everything she has and works very hard for it. And its not just money, she has a great husband, and loves her job as well. She is happy and successful in all aspects. I know how proud my deceased mother would be of her, how proud my grandparents and parents are of her, everyone. And then there's me. I just can't stop feeling like such a damn failure.

There's a restaurant opportunity here, actually she and her husband want to invest in a place here in the mountains that they want me to run. I'm also looking into some restaurants in the town where she lives/works, and trying to decide if I want to relocate here. I'm starting to think that it might not be a good idea. I need to face the fact that I don't think I can afford to live here. I love the little streets, the bistro style restaurants, the local shops, the historical downtown. But that wouldn't be my reality of this town. My reality would be living outside of town in a tiny one bedroom apartment, because it's all I could afford. From switching careers so many times, my resume looks like crap, so the best job I can get is line cook somewhere (which I don't even know if I can physically keep up to do anymore) My reality would be eating at home every night, because I can't afford the restaurants. My reality is clothes from walmart, because I can't afford anything in the local shops.

More importantly, it is becoming apparent that being around my sister triggers HUGE feelings of inadequacy for me, something serious. I get sad, and jealous, and then resentful and angry at myself. I beat myself up constantly when I am around her. Reminding myself on a regular basis that all the things I see I will never have. All the things she does I will never be able to do. If only I had gone to a better college, and not just a trade school. If only I had stuck to the big city restaurants when I was younger, instead of going to corporate dining so I could ride stupid horses, i might actually be someone in the culinary world by now. If only I had learned about horses earlier, I could have a thriving career with them now, instead of just a flash in the pan polo career and nothing to show for it. I'm 35 years old, and I have nothing to show for anything I have done. A failed business, no home (gave all of it up so I could move to another state and live with an A for 5 months, stupid) I just feel like such a loser when I'm around her. I just can't shake this feeling. (I know the 'if only's' are a waste of time and energy, but I can't help it right now) I tried a gratitude list, but i'm really drawing a blank. I think 'i'm grateful for my health', and that quickly turns into 'thank goodness you're healthy because you can't even afford basic health insurance so you better not get sick or injured' - right back where I started.

I can't find any meetings up here, between the back and forth to the mountain house and me not having a car during the day, you guys are the best I can do right now. please don't take that the wrong way. She'll be home from work in about 5 hours, and I'd like to not be a snivelling crying mess when she gets home, because i don't know how I would explain what is making me so upset. If someone could just beat me with a 2x4 and tell me i'm not a failure that would be great.

stella27

I don't know what to say, except that she and her husband clearly care about you and want to help you get on your feet.

Feeling inadequate is dangerous, as you already know. But having someone who loves you and believes in you is something I would just about kill for right now. Give it some thought.

LaTeeDa

I tried to think of some words of wisdom to share with you, but instead all that came to me was a poem that helps me find my center when I'm feeling down. So, I will share that.

L

chicory

Honey,
You are NOT a failure!

You are only 35! You have all the time in the world to do something you really want to do.
Maybe taking the focus off what she HAS (things) and put it on you, and what you are about, what you like , where you want to live,etc. You are a bright lady, I can tell, and you can have a good life.
I rent, I have nothing much, go to goodwill sometimes for my clothes, and I do not feel like a failure, cause I have seen that things can be gone tomorrow, but who I am, and who loves me is what makes me happy.

please, focus on you today. you are worth it, girl!

hugs
chicory P.S. if I was only 35 again!!!!

erikm02

I would never move to Texas again, but I'm biased...

kittykitty

Thank you so much for caring guys, I knew I could count on you to help me through this.

Stella, thanks for reminding me that I have family who cares. I realize that others do not, and how lucky I am in that aspect. I just still find myself upset that I am not self sufficient at this point in my life. But I'll try to remember that I don't always need to be i guess. It's hard to even type that.

LTD, I love the poem, if I had a printer i would print it out to carry with me and read when I feel down. Especially the fear part, it seems most of my issues boil down to fear. And the fact that I am tired and lonely isn't helping. Perhaps I will type it and email it to myself, then I can open my email on my sister's computer and print it. Thank you so so much for sharing.

Anvil, you made me laugh, which i really needed! Copying and stapling and rubberbanding... I love it. I know how stressed I am about making this decision, where to live, and it really wears on me alot right now. I was doing great the first part of my trip, and now i'm just a ball of 'what-ifs' and stress. I'm just not good at making decisions, period.

Chickory, sometimes I feel silly saying i'm already 35, instead of 'only' 35. I know how ridiculous it sounds. They say you're as young as you feel. My favorite place to go shopping is goodwill and thrift stores. It never bothers me until I'm around others that frequent the Gap and LL bean. Why does that happen? Why am I so uncomfortable just being me?

I just wish I knew WHY i felt like this, why i feel like I am supposed to be doing something exceptional, or 'amazing' with my life. Why do i feel like if i'm anything less than living the high life that I'm failing. It's frustrating, because I want to dissect and fix this, but if I can't figure out the root cause, and get to the bottom of why I really feel this way. Until i can, i feel like I can't fix it.

I'm big on the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, and action. When I'm angry, I can break it down, and figure out what my trigger was, and dissect it, accept it for what it really is, and then move forward and deal with the main problem, not just the symptom. I just can't seem to get past awareness here. I can't accept that I am feeling this way because I still don't know why.

Just telling myself that I'm okay the way I am, (trying to take Action) and i'm good enough, doesn't seem to be working now. I was faking it for a long time when I first started recovery (fake it til you make it) and it seemed to be working, but now I feel like I have been lying to myself the whole time.

I know it's not healthy to feel this way, and I know how bad it is to tell myself 'you're bad for feeling this way'. I'm just stuck.

Thanks for listening guys, it means so much.

m1k3

KK, try this. Instead of thinking that your life has stopped try thinking about what you want and what you need. You may be having problems because your current direction isn't taking you to the right destination.

Think about your skills and places you could use them. A resort hotel someplace or a cruise ship. I don't know but blue sky it a little. One of these is going to strike a cord with you and it may be with a skill other than culinary. Working with horses for example. You are at a point right now where you can make a clean start. What do you want to be?

Don't lock yourself into what others think is right for you, be the best you you can be.

Heck I'm 57 years old and I'm training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I'm 10 to 15 years older than anyone else in the class.

Go for it.

barb dwyer

Anvil cracked me up

I didn't even know there *WAS* 667 houses
between alaska and seattle!
she musta moved to WA
like...
one house at a time?

Kitty-

on, that's what we in the biz call 'comparison'.

It doesn't matter
WHO we compare ourselves to -
it's not going to be good.

Either we think we're better
(which is an illusion)
or we're not good enough
(which is ALSO illusion)

Whether to choose 'her world' or not
really resides
on what YOU ... are doing with YOUR life.

I mean
you could live on your sister's COUCH
and be completely committed to your own life experience.

OR
you could live a million miles away
and not be able to live the life YOU design
for want of seeing everything overshadowed
by HER life.

See what I mean?

It's a matter of being on the inside looking out
rather than the outside looking in.

And that perspective can happen anywhere.

Where will you do the most efficient healing - is the question.

isn't it?

dollydo

Oh to be 35 again, you have so much more living to do! We each have our own path in life, we all make different choices, we all progress at a different pace.

Your sister made her choices, and you yours, I am sure that she also made some bad choices, remember it is not so much the circumstance you are involved in, it's how you handle it.

Sounds like your sister may be opening a new door for you, she wouldn't want you to run the restaurant if she didn't believe that you could handle it...she believes in you, and so should you believe in you.

There are alot of great self help books on self esteem, they are free to read from your local library, might be a good idea to check them out.

Money and stuff n things are not a true barometer of happiness, happiness comes from the inside out.

Feed yourself a positive thought every night, do it right before you go to sleep. Your subconcious mind is your controller, it will feed the thought to your concious mind, and it will become a reality, your attitude/mood will become more positive.

You are special, and don't ever forget it!

lillamy

I think that while being there accentuates these feelings, you would have them anywhere.

Stop looking back. Or to the sides. Take stock of what you have inside, what you want, and go for it. Looking at her and comparing yourself to her causes you to limit yourself, limit your options. So maybe you can't get a job better than a line cook, and maybe you can't even handle that physically. So maybe you can do something completely different -- something you love doing! Work in a book store? Front desk at a gym? Visiting home health care worker?

Find what you love to do. Then do it. You have more inside you than you know or think. And doing what you love will bring that out.

Nevermind what your sister has/does/earns/can afford. You're not your sister. There's always going to be someone skinnier/prettier/richer/more accomplished. And that matters not one whit. You can still find your place, and find joy in your life. So you may never own three homes -- is owning three homes crucial to your enjoyment of life?

Go after what you want. Not what you think you should want. And stop comparing. Stop comparing. Stop comparing. You are the perfect you, and you're the only you there is.

GettingBy

Aw, KK - you're comparing your insides to her outsides. Your sister, while on the outside may appear to have it all... but inside, she's a human just like you. Full of fear, sadness, worries, and all that other stuff.

Both of my sisters (older than me!!) have recently admitted to me that they were jealous... of me!! ME!?!?! My entire 20's I was Little miss blow with the wind! I couldn't keep a long term relationship going to save my butt - bounced from apartment to apartment, city to city, job to job - trying on all sorts of jobs/men not sure what the heck I wanted!!! They both married young, settled down, had kids. I was so jealous. I had nothing, just a mish-mash of hand-me-down furniture, a stack of drivers licenses from 4 different states, and a cat. Even now, my oldest sister has said, "Oh Shannon, you are so strong. I wish I could be half as strong as you. I don't think I could ever divorce my AH. I would never make it on my own."

So yeah, envy me... the girl with a trail of broken dreams and hearts.... but they do. Because you see - it's hard work being a free spirit and standing up for yourself. It means having faith, and letting go of what you're "suppose" to do... and doing what you WANT to do! That's you KK. You are at a turning point in your life. The world is at your doorstep... begging you...


What do YOU WANT?!?! Where do you want to go?


You can go where ever you want, be whatever you want... that my friend is priceless. Instead of getting hung up on what you don't have... get hung up on what you want... and then go for it. You can have a cute little apartment above one of those little boutiques... you can sip coffee at that adorable little bistro - you just need to make a plan, and then go for it one step at a time!! NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING is beyond your reach.

MyBetterWorld

I am feeling a lot of these same things today.......failure, frazzled, no end in sight. And I am "only" 33. A lot of people have it a lot worse than I do, and I try to remind myself of that. Thanks for your post KK, and to all of those who replied.....you made me feel a little bit better today. I LOVE THIS PLACE, SR.

Mel

BackToSquareOne

I don't think those feelings are that unusual. I have a cousin that's an investment banker who I ran into at a wedding. He was telling me about the yacht he just bought and I wanted to strangle him. I don't even own a rowboat!

MissChievous

Kitty, it's all about perspective. There's so much about your life I envy...you are YOUNG and in a position where you can start over and do whatever you want to do! It's not about the "stuff," believe me. I have a nice home in a community with four neighborhood beaches, a boat, and "stuff." And I would do anything to go back to the beginning of my marriage, 30+ years ago, when I had nothing.

The day after we were married, my husband and I moved to Hawaii. We had no jobs, no place to live, no nothing. We were young, had no responsibilities, no bills, no one to answer to except ourselves, and if we were going to do it, then was the time. We lived in a tiny apartment, had no extra money, and were pretty poor. But it was the best time of my life! I would give everything up and go back to that time if I could. He didn't drink (other than sometimes socially); we got jobs we loved; we didn't care about our apartment because we were barely there - we kept busy doing lots of fun things which didn't require money and spent our free time outside. I regret the day we ever moved back to the mainland.

Now I feel so stuck, and most of it is because of the "stuff." I am unhappy and ANGRY ALL OF THE TIME. I would love to just run away and start over, and I am much older than you are.

Think of this time as a challenge to find out who you are and what you want to be and do. The sky's the limit. Find out what it is that would make you happy and go for it! It may take awhile...but you have time- you're young. It can be exciting and fun...it's an adventure and anything can happen.

I hope that wherever you go and whatever you do, you find peace and serenity.

theuncertainty

Hugs, KittyKitty. I completely understand what it feels like to compare myself to successful family members and feel like I come out on the 'short' end. I do this often with all of my sisters and brother.

I love this from Anvilhead:

Definitely true in my case, and something I need to remember.

What helps me is TRYING to focus on making a list of what I have done that I've been good at, enjoy and want to do.

That your sister wants and trusts you to run something they're investing in says a lot about her faith in your abilities.

During a recent appointment with my T, I berated myself for all the low-points in my life and was telling myself that I SHOULD be more, have more, do more, and was incredibly down on myself for NEEDING my sister's help right now and how everything she's doing for me is so huge, I can never, ever repay her. My T told me (paraphrasing):

Just because the amount of help you feel your sister has given and continues to provide for you feels HUGE, immeasurable, unrepayable, it's not necessarily true that she feels that way. To her, it may just be something that she's able and happy to do. Maybe, while not insignificant, it's much smaller than you see it. To you, it's a huge mountain; to her it may be just part of what she does today.

She gave an example of helping a friend pack up and move to a different state. To the person moving it may seem like their friend made a huge commitment to help packing, driving and taking care of the millions of little details, because she felt she was facing a daunting and impossible task. But the helper could have just seen it as a way to spend a few more days with a dear friend and then a chance for a glorious road trip. Same event, same help, different perspectives.

FLsunshine

The Best Things in Life aren't Things. ---Art Buchwald

m1k3

That is so true. Even if the last couple of days I have walking around my apartment going MY tv, MY bed, MY kitchen and so on. I realized what I was saying was MY LIFE. I'm in the process of taking it back.

kittykitty

Oh Daisy, I hope things get better for you soon. I'm sorry you have to go through a relapse, i know how hard it is to put your faith in someone and be let down. But you seem to be handling it well, at least you have put yourself first and left the situation. Sending prayers and thoughts your way.

Thanks for the book recommendation Anvil, I will check it out in a few minutes here. A little reading would definintely help.

Barb, you are so right. I have found that sometimes when I make a gratitude list, I think of ways that I could have it worse, like others. Sometimes the only way I could feel better abut myself was to compare myself to those less fortunate, but I've learned that that isn't healthy either. One of the reasons I want to be near family is because I think it will help me heal, and give me some security when starting over. Sometimes when I think of all the choices I have, it's overwhelming. I'm a mess either way it seems!

Dolly, you're right, I don't need three homes to be happy. I know that for a fact. Positive thought at night sounds like something I can handle, I'll give it a shot!

Lill, one of the reasons I am up here is because of the restaurant opportunity, it's something I've always wanted to do. The menu ideas, the amount of tables, the hours of operation, everything is what I always wanted if I were to open my own place. Just that in and of itself is almost too good to pass up, on top of living in a small little mountain town to boot. I may never get this opportunity again, I fear I will regret it if I don't give it a try. My sister can't even hold a knife (thank goodness she isn't a surgeon). That's still comparison, but it makes me focus on the fact that I have qualities that are worthwhile as well. So I can't put in stints and unclog arteries, but I can do a damn good job of cloggin them up. Okay, i'm done comparing now...

Getting By, well, you're just awesome and I love you

Betterworld,. glad I could help!

Squareone, I know the feeling. It's hard to be happy for others sometimes, that's one of my big defects. I want to be happy for others and their achievements, but I have alot of trouble. I don't want to be jealous and bitter anymore. It's just so hard sometimes.

MissC, the first thing I thought when I read your post was "wow, I would love to do that". That hawaii period sounds so great, that is so me. Makes me think perhaps I am looking in the wrong area of the country! I guess I could truly go anywhere, as long as my dog and cat could come

Uncertainty, thanks for sharing your therapist's wisdom, that is so true. Everything that my Dad and sister are doing to help me out, is probably just another day to them, and they are happy to do it. My sister is mad because I wouldn't tell her how much my plane ticket out here was, she wanted to reimburse me. Pride, again, I don't want financial help unless I absolutely need it I guess. My dad wants me to hang around texas for a couple of months with them while I decide what I want to do, he just wants me to be around so he can spend time with me. And I feel like a burden- it's all about perspective and I need to change mine!

Thanks for helping me change my perspective guys. I took a walk downtown today, and walked in the beautiful sunshine, looked in the windows of the shops, and stopped at a pub and ate some soup. Tried to be happy about the little things, like the smile from a driver waving at me to cross the street, or my new found favorite thing, I tasted some white balsamic peach infused vinegar at a local cooking store. First time I started thinking about food in a while, all the things I could do with that in recipes and platings. Reminded me how much I enjoy doing what I can do, the gift that I do have.

Thank you again so much for everything, hopefully the night will get better.

Cyranoak

Hey Kitty Kitty,

I could have written that myself. I feel for you, but I'm impressed with how self-aware you are-- excellent!

But, note a couple of things-- your sister thinks highly enough of you to want you to run a business for her, you've a wealth of life experience informing the decisions you make today, and you are only 35 years old.

What I'd give to be 35 again... the world really is your oyster now, and once you decide what you are going to do next as long as you don't replicate the mistakes of the past I think you'll find great things in your future.

Take care, and congratulations on squeezing out of me the first optimistic post I've ever put on this board.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

kittykitty

I laughed out loud when i read your ending Cyronoak, I was hoping to hear from you. I was expecting more of a "quit your whining", which would have been fine as well, i probably needed one like that, but i like your post even better. I actually thought to myself earlier, maybe i'm on Cyr's ignore list... huge smile here realizing i'm not. Always love your input.

Thanks again all, going to bed now, thinking my positive thought for the evening before I fall asleep...thanks again dolly!