rose68

I am new to this and debated for over a week about posting, somehow to ask for help would mean I am weak,(in my mind). Me and my husband have been married for 13 years and he has always drank some, but lately the drinking has increased. He comes from an alcoholic family and most of my family would rather die than drink. I drink a couple of times a year. We have talked and argued about his drinking, and then just slip back into the old routine.
But a couple of weeks ago we were at a nondrinking event and I was having a really nice time and he said he couldnt wait till we left so he could have a beer. I was very disappointed. Then two weekends ago on a Friday we had an arguement about something trivial and he grab a beer so I went to my room and spent the next couple of days meditating and taking care of me. He spent 3 nights on the couch drinking alot. First time in 13 years he has ever not come to bed with me. the following Tuesday I told him I was starting to go to Al-Anon because I needed it for me. I told him that I would not be around him if he drank more than 3 in a day. It has been over a week and he has not drank more than three a day, some days less.
I would like for him to quit but know he has to do that for him, scared for him to do it cold turkey, I don't know how to talk to him about it cause I don't want him to think I am pushing. I guess what I am asking is does it ever work out? I am working my program and working on fixing me and he knows if he has the forth one I will go away to spend time away from him and I know he is really trying. Just don't want to fall back into same old routine. Thanks for any advice you can give, I have already got so much from this site.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

I think there are happy endings-for us-if we do the work we need to do.

Thumper

I know you are asking if there is a happy ending with you and him. I don't know, there is no way to predict the future.

I never used to believe in happy endings - for anything. I really felt happy endings were for other people - or maybe just some magical thing that did not exist.

I am beginning to think that happy endings do come - but only if we pay attention to our life, in this moment.

What I had done in the past was have a vision in my head of what a happy ending would look like. I was miserable in the moment but just kept wishing for my happy ending. I wasn't paying attention to the moment. I was making decisions, or often more accurately - not making decisions, based on that vision. I had to take my eyes off the vision, and look at my life today, and do the next right thing based on today. The serenity prayer helped me a lot here because without the guidance of that prayer I was drawn like a magnet to my vision and ignored my actual life. I also had to let go of the past. I can't go back there. It really doesn't change the facts of today.

I have a long ways to go but I believe in happy endings again - and oddly enough I have no idea what it looks like. There is no vision there anymore. I actually don't think it is an ending at all. It is a path we walk.

It is surely a process for me (and kind of a slow one) so my thoughts might change again but this is where I am at now.

rose68

Thanks so much for the welcomes. I wondered about the moderations myself, but knew I could not give him an ultimatum about quitting he has to do that for himself. The serenity prayer has always helped me I am a 20+ year survivor of cancer and it helped me get through that and teach me to live and enjoy every minute of every day. There are no promised tomorrows.
I guess what I wondered was there any marriages that made it through the recovery process, most I read end up in divorce. I guess I wondered was there hope. Still just working on me.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I hate to say it but I have not heard of very many happy endings with an A. My happy ending will be to finally get away from the craziness and focus on me to recover from my life with the A. I have to figure out why I stayed so long and put myself on the back burner.

WELCOME!!!

kittykitty

Does a happy ending involve watching someone and counting how many beers they have? I think not. I posted a similar question back when I started on this site, every once in a while people ask if there's ever hope for a relationship stricken with Alcoholism. And I think it's the same as any other problem a relationship encounters. The only way the couple can get past it is if both people acknowledge there is a problem, and both people are on board to fixing the problem. You can't fix him, or 'will' him to get better, see the light, or realize what he is doing to the relationship. Your happy ending has to start with you, and only you.

There are many happy endings out there, I am struggling to find mine right now, but I know it is out there. People change, priorities change, and there isn't much we can do about it. As people grow, their definition of a happy ending may become different than mine, and I have to accept that, and choose whether I want to settle for their definition, or go off and pursue my own. Happy endings are possible for all of us, they just might not include everyone or everything we originally hoped they would.

So yes, there is such a thing as a happy ending.

sandrawg

Wow! I am really impressed with how you are handling things.

Sounds to me like you're doing all the right things.

Will this result in a happy ending, where your husband realizes his problem and gets help? No one can say or predict. All of that is on your husband, and as you're realizing, you can't control or change him.

Many of us tried bargaining, nagging, cajoling, anger and got pretty sick ourselves before we ever got to the very healthy point you are at, where you're going to al-anon and actually detaching yourself from his drinking.

Keep doing what you need to do for you. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Those are the best things you can do...for yourself. Your husband needs to find his own path of recovery and you will need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he may NEVER. And make your own plans and take care of yourself accordingly. One day at a time!

And yeah, there are "happy endings" although I wouldn't call them that because they are stories in progress. My exabf is why I'm on SR. I left him after 4 yrs off and on-he is still drinking, still in deep deep denial. However, his best drinking buddy who was way worse than my ex, is now in AA. He has been sober for about 8 months now! And his gf is in al-anon.

They are both very active in their recovery and I have great hopes things will work out for him. People do get help and go on to live happy lives. So dont' lose hope but also look at your own situation realistically at all times. Don't let yourself get caught up in your husband's denial. I did that for too long.

Keep posting here-this board is a great resource.

sandrawg

Yeah, my happy ending is, I got away after 4 years and no longer have the burden of an alcoholic on my back. No more drunk temper tantrums where things get broken. No more trying to reason with a crazy person. No more broken phones, smashed in walls...no more feeling obligated to hang out with all his loser drinking buddy friends. No more being made to be the bad guy or a "second mother" simply because I try to encourage someone I care about to be healthy. No more lies/projection/denial/transference excuses...ah, life is good.

sandrawg

Ah, but you do have every right to give the ultimatum that if he will not get sober, you will walk.

Many of us did this and we saw exactly where our ex's priorities lay. And moved on to get away from the craziness and are better for it.

rose68

Thank you all so much, you have all given me alot to think about. It would be nice to not count the beers, have done way too much of this. He has never been abusive so in that respect I am lucky. I am not really afraid of divorce I have sadly already had two before. One came right after I finished chemo, ex took me to my doctors visit the first one he ever attended with me just to make sure I was well so it couldnt be said he was divorcing a sick person. I will definantly think about sitting down and telling him I want him to stop drinking altogether. I am sometimes suprised at how much he drinks he always said he didnt want to end up like his dad and sadly he is slowly turning into him. His dad is in the process of drinking himself to death.

Desireespence

Help too. I am new to this deal also. My husband who is deployed at the moment is an alcoholic. After reading in here I am deepley sadden by what a human being can do to another. Now I need to help myself before my husband and I loose everything.
He has taking me off his bank account..also I find him having an affair with a wealth woman old enough to be his mother. I have spoke to his commander while he is deployed... I beleive it made things worse for me. They stick together the ARMY way. Wow I deserve to wear the dog tags more than him!
I am a strong lady hopefully I will be strong again. Now I a working hard also having to selling eveything to try and save my home. It breaks my heart I even have to sell my beloved horses. Is there anything else I can do to help myself. I do beleive in GOD. I am a honest good person. I can not believe this is happining to me. I am always a giver always take all of the burdens... because I feel like the better person.
Thx for your time,
about to have a nervous BREAKDOWN

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some members come here and post while they are hurting and searching for understanding. They find what they need and move on. We dont always get to hear how things worked out.

So, actively looking at current members, you will see a lot of people still working through their issues and finding their path to serenity. Some of us (HI) still come here and offer help and support to others that are just finding their way.

I was married 14 years to an active alcoholic. I tried to help him moderate and control his drinking so that we could keep some level of intimacy in our marriage. We even tried scheduling a "date night" which would be a no alcohol day, or a two drink minimum day. In the end, we were both frustrated. He would lie about how many he had for the day (slurring words, but only had 2 beers), blame a bad day at work as a reason to drink more, too much stress, the sky is blue, etc.

He ended up binge drinking more, drinking away from the house (then driving home), lying about how many drinks he had, and more unacceptable behaviors.

I filed for divorce to protect myself from the financial and legal fall-out from his continued downward spiral.

It's been two years.

I think I made the right choice for my children and myself.

Here is a link that helped me while I was dealing with alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Pelican

Hi Desireepence,

Welcome! Why not start a new thread and introduce yourself to the rest of the family. You can get more support directed toward your needs that way.

Thumper

With all due respect I think that is best left to a professional (or AA or something like that) and not Rose. In my own experience only - that kind of thing dug my hole deeper by the breath and did nothing to improve the situation. Probably the opposite.

m1k3

I have to agree with Thumper. I went down that path for 13 years with my wife. Rehab, sober, moderate drinking , back full swing. Rehab, quit drinking, found sleeping pills abused them and so on. After her last binge I left. She is in rehab again and maybe its sinking in this time but I can't ever trust her again. I won't go through that again. We had 20+ years of good marriage before the problem even started, or got bad enough to notice.

As for happy endings, well I'm working on mine. I am working my recovery, I have a great relationship with my daughters and grand kids and I'm even starting to fell happy for no reason at all.

I hope my wife can find hers but that is outside of my control.

LaTeeDa

I believe Thumper was speaking from the perspective of many of us here who tried everything we knew to have "emotional intimacy" with someone who was incapable of it at the time due to alcoholism. Any many of us, myself included, became very emotionally messed up in the process.

Yes, a good relationship is about emotional intimacy. But, a relationship like that is difficult or impossible to have with an active addict. And the magical thinking that somehow we have the power to change them is very, very self-destructive.

L

seekingcalm

In my experience, until the alcoholic is ready to stop drinking and seek recovery, there is nothing to talk about.

rose68

Pelican thanks for the link really got a lot from reading it. and Darklight I know that his drinking became more of a problem when we were having financial problems but those have somewhat passed and are facing better times and the drinking never slowed when the happy times came. And since I am a fixer by nature I have tried to talk to him but most of the time dont get a response or he changes the subject. It is hard to talk to someone who doesnt want to talk. He has always chosen to keep his feelings buried real deep.

LaTeeDa

No, problems don't just emerge out of nowhere. Sometimes they sneak up on you insidiously until you have no idea how you got here. Ever hear the story of the frog in the pot of water? My husband's alcoholism snuck up on me in this way, but it didn't come out of nowhere.

In my five years of membership on SR, I have to say that I have not seen any "temporary situations." My experience has been that by the time people end up seeking help on an internet forum such as this, it's well beyond temporary.

Yes, I agree discussing the issue is a good idea--if it's not already been discussed. Again, I only have my own experience to go by, but I discussed and discussed and discussed till I was blue in the face and it made not one lick of difference. So, a discussion is a good idea, but one more discussion of something that's already been discussed to death--not recommended.

L

Pelican

Ok folks,

Let's not hi-jack the new member's thread with our personal opinions.

We have each shared our personal experience, strength and hope.

Let's move on and let the OP (original poster) take what she likes and leave the rest.