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Alcoholic Husband Abandonded Family

Old 06-03-2011, 06:24 AM
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Alcoholic Husband Abandonded Family

I orgionally posted the following in the Newcomer forum but felt it more appropriate for this board. I hope someone can help. thanks, TwoWolves

Hello. I guess I will just jump right in and tell you my story. Any advice anyone can give will be greatly appreciated.

I have been married for 19 years this comming Saturday. I am the mother of two teen boys. I am 47 and my husband is 46. My husband is an alcoholic, an alcoholic who won't admit it. His father was an alcoholic but stopped drinking when my husband was about 22-23. Husband's father side of the family is loaded with high functioning alcoholics, including my father in law.

I used to like to like to 'party' with my husband waaay back before we had kids and a home and responsibilities. Over the years, the more he drank the less I did. He would complain that I wasn't fun anymore...he would complain about this alot. I have always been honest, always. I call 'em as I see 'em and my husband never liked this as he grew up in a 'hush, hush' home. Even to this day his father's alcoholism is NEVER discussed and they (the family) act like there never WAS a drinking problem. Husband has told me some stories and his dad was a mean, hateful, violent alcoholic!

I beleive he had a nervous breakdown one night in 2005 when the boys and I were out. He had been drinking all day at the bar. We came home to a destroyed house (broken things, holes in wall, broke things in youngest son's room-youngest son is husband's 'favorite' so this is confusing). he took his rifle and was gone when we returned home. He did return a few hours after that. The next day he acted like no big deal!

About three years ago my husband had a month long fling (found his soul-mate) with a co-worker. Long story short I had her fired and she broke it off with my husband. His drinking escalated to an almost unbearable degree. Fast foward to last fall. Almost to the day (of first affair)husband began an affair with an alcoholic/bipolar family aquaintace who hangs out at the bar my husband does. She is 43 and white trash.

This new woman is now the love of his life. The woman he has been waiting forever for. He is no longer in love with me and only loves me as the mother of his children. Like I said, she is an alcoholic, never married with two teen daughters, and a host of other 'mental' issues along with her A/BP. I could write a book on this woman and her problems. Her father was an alcoholic and died from the disease this past CHristmas. She does not work and her mother supports her. Basically a trashy bar skank with a pretty face.

On January 1st my husband moved out to an apartment close to his girlfriends and filed for divorce. He basically abandond the family. Has very little to do with his son's or I. They were going to move in together but she couldn't find a three bedroom apartment. She does stay at his apartment and keeps all her things there. Her 18 &14 year old basically live alone down the street. They will be moving together along with her 18 & 14 year old daughters come September.

There is so much more to the story, but that's neither here nor there. I beleive my husband is having a mid life crisis along with his alcoholism.

I'm in counseling, I go to alanon. My boys won't go to either. I keep an open communication with them and they know their father is an alcoholic and it runs in the family. Also three years ago he was diagnosed with clinical depression. He never went back to the therapist after that.

I am very confused by his actions of the last 7 months. Up until 2007 he seemed like a good guy who had morals and a good work ethic. THe past 3 years have been chaotic, his drinking was out of control but he wouldn't admit it because he only drinks beer. Now that he is with the gf he is also drinking wiskey and vodka (like his dad did). The gf gets violent (mixing booze and pills and BP meds-not a good combo), now my husband is getting violent. He was always the 'happy drunk', a 'good time charlie with a harley' type of guy. He acts like a teen in love, very jealous, angry...basically the total opposite of what I have known him to be for over 20 years.

I have not had any problem maintaining no contact with him as he has very little contact with anyone in this family, his family, our friends we've had for 20 years. His new friends are her friends and they are ALL alcoholics and drug addicts.

What is going on? Is he on a fast track to hitting bottom or is he going to die before he does?

Sorry my story is so long! I am so hurt, confused, sad and angry for what has transpired these past seven months.
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Old 06-03-2011, 06:35 AM
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He is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. Trying to make sense of it is futile. My father left me and my mom and moved in with a drinking friend and her 4 children. I was about 9 years old at the time. It makes no sense and yes, it is totally unfair to the family left behind, but it is what it is.

It's good that you are in counseling. Take care of yourself and your sons. That is all that is important now.
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Old 06-03-2011, 06:46 AM
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Two Wolves,

I am sorry for what you and your sons are going through. I dont know what is going on with your husband, but I do know that you did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. You can however, get out of the way, and focus on you and your sons. getting counselling and alanon, or alateen would probably be very helpful for them. they are going to need a lot of help and good fortune not to repeat their fathers and grandfathers actions.
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:07 AM
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TwoWolves - I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. However, as Suki says above, trying to rationalize irrational behavior is a recipe for madness (yours) and will only bring you more pain. It has taken me many months and a separation from my husband to come to terms with that need and let it go. I really needed everything to make sense before I could accept any of it. Framing it into the disease of alcoholism was helpful but still...I struggled with this one for a long time, and some days still find myself going back to the confusion.

It just is. It may kill him. It certainly has led to some very bad choices on his part. Very irresponsible behavior. He is not being a good husband, father, role model. So I have to ask, when framed in that light, can you find some relief that he is finally out of your hair? Anything positive about your current living arrangements? Mine is not what I wanted or thought I was getting, but not living with alcoholism sure is more calm, peaceful, and structured! My teens thank me for moving us out and getting our own house. They can now focus on living their own lives, instead of constantly worrying about their lousy home life.

Try to focus on the positive aspects of your life today - make a gratitude list. Our attitudes are the only thing we have the power to change.

Take good care,
~T
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:38 AM
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Enjoy your time alone! I could have written the same story with the exception of different aged children.

If he was anything like mine, he will be back. He will tire of her very quickly..he can't handle his own problems, let alone hers. She is a drinking buddy - that's the connection and that drinking is "the love of his life".
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:49 AM
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What a sad story.

It isn't a story about you, your children, or the life you created, or really even about what he wants.

It is story about alcoholism. He is an alcoholic and every thing he says and does ultimately has one goal - to feed and protect the addiction. It was so very hard for me to really get that alcohol is first *no matter what*. Addiction is bigger then love for wife and kids, bigger then love of self even. The addiction takes him away from the things that make drinking uncomfortable or difficult and towards what makes it acceptable and easy. What he is walking towards causes less emotional/mental dissonance between what he used to value and what he now prioritizes. He is protecting his addiction, maybe not consciously, but he is surely doing that. It isn't a midlife crisis, it is the voice of alcoholism in his head. The scene where he destroyed the house - who knows what that was about. I see it as sort of an internal fight between him and alcoholism - and alcoholism won - at least so far.
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Old 06-03-2011, 09:09 AM
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He's an alcoholic, but also an *******. Don't ever let him excuse his behavior as "alcoholism" if he ever awakens. That being said, I am sorry for your hurt. Really, there is no explanation for another's human behavior, except that is flawed human behavior. While it is sad, you are at a great point to concentrate on yourself and your son's and move on. Focus on yourself and them and you need it.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:30 PM
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Sounds kind of like my story, except for the moving out and getting a girlfriend part.

My AH often reminds me that he doesn't screw around on me; doesn't hang out at the bars every night; it could be so much worse and if he wants to drink in his home every night that's his business and I should be grateful he's here.

I want to tell him that I'd prefer it if he wasn't here, but I won't do that because then he'll drink and drive on a nightly basis (whereas now it's only a few times a week).

Like your situation, my AH is so not the man I married. It's hard and I so relate to you. But it's got to be better than the chaos you were living in when he was home, is it not?

We can hope that they will hit bottom and get into recovery, but we certainly can't count on it. It's their choice and we have nothing to do with it.
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Old 06-03-2011, 06:43 PM
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Sadly, Suki is right...

...and what she's saying here is 100 percent correct and the only answer you'll ever get. It's dead nuts on.

Sorry,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
He is an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. Trying to make sense of it is futile. My father left me and my mom and moved in with a drinking friend and her 4 children. I was about 9 years old at the time. It makes no sense and yes, it is totally unfair to the family left behind, but it is what it is.

It's good that you are in counseling. Take care of yourself and your sons. That is all that is important now.
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Old 06-03-2011, 07:18 PM
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The reason your husband is acting this way is simple: he's an alcoholic. Now it's a good idea to take care of yourself and heal from this awful situation. You sound like you're on the right path: alanon. Keep coming here, you'll learn a great deal.
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:09 PM
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From my perspective as an ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic), I think his walking out was a GIFT :day6, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

You're doing great with going to Al-anon and your therapist. Working on you will help your family in the long run.

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and it's ok to be human. Give yourself breaks, often. Be gentle with yourself.

Don't worry so much about your AH. He'll either get:

Sobered up
Locked up
or
Covered up.

Peace,

skipper
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