Confused by my feelings

Old 06-02-2011, 06:13 PM
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Confused by my feelings

My feelings the last 3-4 wks has thrown me for a loop. My ah was an opiate abuser for 5-6yrs & I just found out in Dec. He has been free of opiates for 6 months. But then he turned to alcohol which he was using all along, but with a nasty turn. A month ago after another one of our really nasty screaming yelling nights while he was drunk, I just lost it. I took pictures of my bruises, I made an appt with a lawyer. I cancelled my lawyer appt. two days later. He saw his addiction specialist the next day. She won't see him again until he goes to AA. He has been going to AA for the last month.
Here is my problem. I love him, But I just dont trust him. He is doing all the right things. I have been trying to do things without him. I feel distant. He is not the man I married & knew the first 15 yrs of our marriage. I don't dislike him, I guess I am afraid to get too close.
He is working the program, but he just seems not the same. After the opiates, I read it can be 1-2 yrs before he can be "rewired".
The first 15 yrs there were no secrets, the next 6 yrs were huge secrets. There aren't as many secrets, but it seems like getting just normal communication is like pulling teeth.
Is this normal?
I am spending lots of time working on me and detaching. It has helped.
But I just don't like this wall I have put up. I am really an all or nothing person. This is such a challenge. I don't want to give up while he is truly working. But I just find my attitude so "over it"
Thanks for any feedback.
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Old 06-02-2011, 06:25 PM
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Hi, sorry to say you have a long journey ahead of you. To me, your feelings are quite normal after living with an addict. Will everything be back to where it was B/4 drugs, honestly no, he is not the ssme person, nor are you.

I must add that because he was drunk it is no excuse for physical volience, that is a seperate issue entirely.

You are on the right track, keep working on you, attend meetings, read up on codependency, and, keep posting.
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:24 PM
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Thanks for your reply Dollydo. I have read many of your posts and enjoy your prospective. I really appreciate the advice. Thanks
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:41 PM
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Yes what you are feeling is normal. You are torn between conflicting emotions of distrust,anger, love and the desire to be supportive and make things right. Coming here ie a good 1st step because everyone of us has gone through or is going through the same thing. You are not crazy and you are not alone.

Read the stickies at the top of the page and look into al-anon.

Another big thing here is the 3 c's.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
you can't cure it.

We are here to help so visit often.

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Old 06-02-2011, 08:00 PM
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Your husband is barely sober. Early sobriety, even with AA, is very rocky because we've just given up our best friend, our higher power, alcohol/drugs. Now early sobriety lasts for many months and it's an emotional roller coaster. I suggest trying to keep the focus on you, building yourself up and starting your path. Build yourself a rich, happy life (Al-Anon is terrific for that). If you can let go of expectations, that's a big help. Whatever his path, he has to take it alone....
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