sillysquirrel

I can't seem to look at my "R"AH in a loving way anymore. No matter how hard I try, he repulses me. He is childish in so many ways that I no longer even think of him as an adult anymore. I don't feel comfortable leaving the children with him. He needs supervision. Last night, he was outside for quite awhile. I hadn't heard from him for awhile and actually sent my oldest child out to check on him to make sure he wasn't destroying anything.....sad.

I am also feeling like I have cheated myself out of an adult relationship. I feel bad for feeling this way, and even worse for saying it, but it is true. I just can't connect with him intellectually in any way, shape or form. I feel jealous of friends who have responsible, intelligent husbands. I want one of those!! Mine is not capable of an intelligent conversation. All he cares about is himself. He doesn't understand politics, health insurance, deferred compensation or 4th grade math. He doesn't know how much a stamp costs. He doesn't care about our finances...."oh, it'll be fine", even after he took a new job with a 50% pay cut. I could go on and on. I am feeling guilty for having these feelings of superiority over him. I have never been one to look down on people.....but I secretly do with him. There, I said it. Am I a bad person?

lillamy

Then get yourself one of those.

fourmaggie

I was watching the David Arquette interview with OPRAH,
Video and Webcast Archive - Oprah.com

and one thing he said what his wife said to him in the mist of his addiction(when she left him) was she said " i am tired of being your mom".....wow, and that is so true

you have taken the rule of his mom....NO?

is it not time to take control of you own life and get YOUR POWER back?

dollydo

My exabf was your hubbies twin. I couldn't deal with all the abstract stupidity, I had to move on, or go nuts.

Do I think you are bad person? No, you have just had enough, and, are no longer compatible.

bruingirl

Well, this sounds like a great thing to be honest! You're through the hardest part of it all and that's recognizing the A for what he is and not deluding yourself to think the relationship and him are something they aren't.

This is a great opportunity to recognize what you DO want. And like lilamy said, maybe that means you can work on getting one of those!

Cyranoak

Often we are trained from a young age we aren't superior to others, and it's bad to feel that way. Sometimes, however, we are in fact superior to others. Not all that often in my experience, but the hard reality is that it is sometimes true.

You are not equally yoked. You are unhappy. What are you going to do about it?

Cyranoak

sillysquirrel

Quote:
I feel jealous of friends who have responsible, intelligent husbands. I want one of those!! Mine is not capable of an intelligent conversation.
Then get yourself one of those.
__________________

To be honest, I am not even necessarily wanting another husband. I am fine with the idea of being single......actually....it is quite enticing. But, if I am going to have a husband, why not have one that can carry on a conversation? One that understands the fairly simple language I am speaking.

passionfruit

Me too!!

I think you need to give yourself some credit here. You are so used to accomodating someone elses feelings, when you feel your own you perceive them as wrong or bad.

You have a right to feel what you want to and they are valid feelings. Accept them and you will naturally move forward.


NO COMPARISON!!
Being equally yoked to an alcoholic is like being equally yoked to monkey or (how do I say it nicely--There is no way...I'll leave it at monkey)!

smacked

Why are you in this relationship? (not being snarky.. I read your other post and this one and honestly wonder why you choose this for you and your little children).

Ladybug0130

My AH actually used to be kind of smart but I noticed that addiction made him dumb. All his "jokes" became perverted and not clever, he didn't keep up on current events or his own profession, among other things. This disease can really make people unbearable to be with in many ways!

Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable!

NYCDoglvr

The founder of AA, Bill Wilson, describes the alcoholic in what's called the "big book", Alcoholics Anonymous: self will run riot, self-centered in the extreme, grandiosity, enormous ego with low self-esteem, dishonest. "His majesty the child." If he stops drinking and gets help he will change, I promise.

lillamy

Oh I totally get you there!!! Before I left my AH, I was thinking "No way on God's green earth will I ever, EVER, EVER again get involved -- it's just too much work!"

And that was a great start. I didn't wait for Prince Charming to come rescue me (because those Prince Charmings, WTF do they really have except good hair and a white horse anyway? I mean, seriously? What do we know about them other than that they look good?). I got out of the bad marriage. And on the other side of it -- I found myself, and that myself was good on my own AND in a relationship with a sane non-addict.

LaPinturaBella

No this does not make you a bad person. It's natural to want too be with someone that we have commonality with. Opposites attract but in my experience they very rarely last. Different things are attractive to different people. Personally, you want to get me attracted to you on a physical level, you truly do need to stimulate my mind first and foremost. So don't beat yourself up. You've discovered something else that is important to YOU in a significant other.

Jadmack25

I'd be REALLY worried if you didn't feel alienated from someone whose IQ and behavior is heading for the basement.

When pity, disgust or fear come into a relationship, and affection, respect and safety head for the hills, I figure it is time to re-evaluate the whole deal.

You are still normal.....well, as normal as any A's partner can be normal.

NotTheMama

Wow! I could have written your exact post. It still amazes me that my formerly intelligent AH could go from 50y.o. to 6 y.o. in just a few drinks. At the end of the day, I'm left with a "hard of hearing" 230 lb toddler who thinks he's the sexiest, funniest thing around! NOT!!!!

You're not a bad person. You have every right to feel the way you feel.

outonalimb

Oh my gosh yes!!

During the last couple of years with my exah, I felt like I had a teenage son around the house. With the right amount of 'nagging', I could get him to do simple chores around the house. Once in a while, if our son needed a ride somewhere, I could count on my exah to do it so long as it came before the 'witching hour' (the hour he started to drink) which seemed to come earlier and earlier each day.

I resented doing his laundry...feeding him...
He fought with our son like he was his older 15 year old brother.

No parenting involved...

It drove me insane.

And he wondered why I wasn't physically attracted to him the last few years of our marriage!!

I'm raising my son completely on my own now but its still easier than it was with my exah around and all his drama and chaos.

LexieCat

Sounds like pretty normal feelings, to me. It's not a morality issue--you aren't judging him for all eternity, only his qualifications to be a person you want to spend your life with.

Sometimes it takes just a bit of time from recognizing the truth to being willing to do something about it. You can't change him, only yourself and the situation, if you choose to extricate yourself. The question does, indeed, become, "How much more of my life am I going to live this way?"

rose68

Your post really hit home with me because it described some of the feelings I was trying to put into words just this weekend. We had been doing fairly good but it was taking so much effort on my part that it was exhausting and I tried to talk to him Friday he chose to throw a temper tantrum, drink more and sulk all weekend. And I wondered was this the grown man I married, felt like I was dealing with a child not getting his way. I don't think it is wrong of you, I think sometimes it is just tough to face that the alcohol has changed the person we were married to in to a child wanting his own way all the time.

lillamy

Love this. Being able to make that distinction makes all the difference in the world. My AXH still asks me if I think he's a "bad person" or "evil" -- and I've had a hard time explaining exactly this. Thank you, Lexie!

DetachedWife

I have spent 4 years of my 5 year marriage playing mommy and nursemaid to a 45 year old AH . Can not believe how dumb they become from all that booze ,and the one thing I have gotten out of my few ALANON meetings is that it will not take me 30 years to want out . I have spent the last 7 months of my marriage avoiding any possability of having to be intimate with him , totally lost all respect for him as a man . Thank god for that king size bed .