Sylvie66

This thread is really, really useful to me right now.

ABF keeps hinting about getting married. Words fail me, really. I sent him a letter today that ended with 'The love is unconditional; living with you has lots of conditions, and so does my being your girlfriend'. I wrote it over about 3 days last week, and sat on it for another 4 days. Again, I think I'm only trying to be clear for myself, to acknowledge that I've done and said everything possible. And anything IS possible. He could do a 180, and stop drinking, and get help, and be more polite. I'm not attached to that idea; mostly I want us each to be happy. I'm VERY keen on that idea. I just don't know what it looks like yet.

This is such a process. I like my boyfriend, I love him. My being with him is conditional, on a day to day basis, on our being kind and loving and respectful. And most days, he isn't doing his part. And some days, neither am I. Nobody's perfect; but I am learning at last how to be true to myself.

And like you, I get sucked in... see yesterday's post about how well THAT turned out. Darnit. He's being consistent; I'm the one changing.

- Sylvie

m1k3

Rehab can be quacking also. My AW is in rehab for the 4th time. Didn't matter, I packed up and left. There is a big difference between being in rehab and being in recovery. To be honest I'm at the point now that I don't care which she is, I will never trust her again.

And having my own place is one of the best things I ever did.

GettingBy

^^^^^ That's it. My AH is being very consistent with his behavior - and I realized last night that MY behavior Sunday/Monday/Tuesday was inconsistent. It didn't reflect what I want MY life to look like.

So, I have found myself repeating over and over and over again...

I'm not okay with the drinking. I will NOT live with the drinking. It's my RIGHT to not want to live with drinking. I am NOT being unreasonable by setting this boundary. I am WORTH more that what I am getting out of this relationship.


I realized that as soon as I even hinted that I was willing to settle for less than... that's exactly what I was going to get. No where in those few days did I say I was okay with the drinking - but for me, I felt like my actions did... and honestly, where I am RIGHT NOW - actions are more important than words.

m1k3

GB, think about it. Why would you choose to live with an alcoholic?

Your post shows that this "relapse" is leading to deeper understanding. Demand more, you deserve it.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

sandrawg

IMO alcoholism prevents people from being loving, trustworthy, respectful, communicative, honest, caring, compassionate, un-selfish...all the things you need for a healthy relaitonship.

Trying to have a good rel'ship with an alcoholic is like trying to grow flowers on the moon. Simply can't be done.

Tuffgirl

This is very very good. And a complete sentence. Because this will be the basis for any marriage counseling if the counselor knows he/she is dealing with an addict. That is first and foremost the biggest issue. Without sobriety - counseling is pointless and a waste of time and money. As long as he is using, you will be second in his life. His kids will be third. No amount of counseling will change the fact that his first love is using.

Your processing through this in a very healthy way... keep up the good work!

GettingBy

I don't think I would ever consciously choose to live with an alcoholic. But as soon as I said that I was willing to stay in the house and work on our marriage... after two days of no drinking... he was right back at the slamming beers.

See... there's MY MISTAKE. I told him that I was willing to stay in the house even though there was no real change with his drinking... I let my boundary slide. I should have never said that I'd stay. I should have stayed the course on working towards not living with the drinking.

I muddied the water, so to speak. I could have agreed to hold off on the divorce, but stand my ground on physically separating from him. I was looking at it as an all or nothing - not seeing gray middle, I guess.


Ack. Progress, not perfection.

m1k3

Sounds like your codie talking. When you agreed to stay you were making a conscious decision to live with an A.

Not that it is the wrong decision its just that you have to make that decision with your eyes wide open and you are making it for your reasons.

I have gotten into the habit of thinking of my AW as an alcoholic first and wife second. Not the other way around. Hard to do but it has really helped with how I look at things.

Good luck going forward with your recovery. You deserve it.

Your friend,

GettingBy

You're right Anvil... he doesn't WANT to stop drinking. He's no where near the point of even acknowledging that the drinking is a problem, let alone getting to a point of saying, "I need a recovery program."

It's time for me to hike up my big girl panties and get back to moving on with my life.

LaTeeDa

So true. And this is what I was referring to when I said it's not about what he is telling you, it's about what you are telling yourself.

What I finally came to understand, is that it's not the drinking, it's the behavior. After I left my husband, he stopped drinking, started seeing a counselor, even went to some meetings. But, his behavior only improved marginally. I spent another year of my life trying to reconcile, trying to make my marriage work--without the alcohol. I was telling myself that the drinking was the problem. It wasn't. It was the behavior. And that doesn't magically change when they stop consuming alcohol.

L

Jazzman

That's a big girl thong!

Anyway... It took me quite a while to stop the "all or nothing thinking" in every aspect of my life. (Still have certain areas where that will never change). It's been mentioned before, there's no law that says you can't reconcile in the future if he ever gets his sh!t together. It's not the end of a dream to separate. It's the beginning of your ability to think more clearly without living in the thick of it.

sandrawg

Many of us have screwed up in exactly the same way. I kept letting my exabf back when he was making "pretend' efforts to change. I did not wait to make sure I saw a longterm pattern of changes. And of course all that resulted in was more pain for me. More horrible drunken incidents to put myself thorugh. More lies. More broken promises. Oh well, after 4 years, I finally learned.