New to this and in a dark place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 13
New to this and in a dark place
Miracle of miracles, he quit drinking (and smoking). Things should be great, right? But the yelling and ranting and criticizing are worse than ever. I don't do anything right. Tonight he said it's clear to him that I am just going through the motions and letting things slide...and I am trying SO HARD to keep it all together. At first I attributed it to the cranky days of quitting. He has quit smoking several times in the 9 years that we have been together and is always cranky at first. But it's been almost 2 months now and he's not any better. He won't go to meetings or counseling because we live in a small town and he doesn't want people to know. We have 2 small girls (ages 3 & 4). I am also on a low dose of anti-depressants since I crashed with ppd after our second was born. I am doing much better but am sensitive to criticism that I am not up to the job of being a Mom and running our household. I think I'm doing a fairly decent job overall but I am not very good at taking time to take care of myself. I could do better on the exercise and also on the social side, both of which I know would help with the depression. We've led a pretty isolated life due to the drinking and shame. Now the anger directed at me sober is worse than it ever was when he was drunk and I feel I have nowhere to turn.
Why is he so mean to me?
What happened to the love I thought we had between us?
What can I do to make it better?
I feel so beat up and beaten down emotionally I don't know what to do.
Why is he so mean to me?
What happened to the love I thought we had between us?
What can I do to make it better?
I feel so beat up and beaten down emotionally I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Latte 
You didn't do anything. He's angry because he hasn't dealt with his alcoholism. Sure he quit drinking, that doesn't mean that he quit being an alcoholic.
Or so I've heard.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Go to Al-Anon. It will help you learn that you did not cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Al-Anon will also tech you how to focus on and take care of yourself and your needs. It will help clear your head and teach you to stop enabling. It will definitely help YOU heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 13
That's why I'm on this forum. Going to a meeting would make him REALLY angry. I'd be letting the cat out of the bag and bringing shame upon the family, compromising his career and respect at work, blah blah.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Go to Al-Anon. Lie if you have to about it. I don't want to condone lying about anything to anyone but really there are worse things to lie about than this and it would do you a WORLD of good.
If that is still not an option, read a lot on SR and see what you can take out of this place. There is mountains and mountains of good information in here that you can relate to and learn from!
To answer your questions:
Why is he so mean to you? Well first off even though he is sober, he is still not in recovery. Alcoholism addles the brain and leads to distorted thinking. He genuinely needs to WORK on himself to recognize how he is acting and thinking and then make the appropriate changes to remedy issues.
Where is the love? Unfortunately, addicts become monsters because of the nature of their disease. As the disease progresses they start to lie, manipulate, and isolate themselves more and more to keep up their addiction. Even if that means abandoning loved ones.
What can you do? The important thing to recognize is that he can only help himself if HE wants it and when he recognizes he needs to help himself on his own terms. BUT, it is really important that you recognize that you need to take care of YOURSELF and help you. That's where Al-Anon and SR will come into play.
If that is still not an option, read a lot on SR and see what you can take out of this place. There is mountains and mountains of good information in here that you can relate to and learn from!
To answer your questions:
Why is he so mean to you? Well first off even though he is sober, he is still not in recovery. Alcoholism addles the brain and leads to distorted thinking. He genuinely needs to WORK on himself to recognize how he is acting and thinking and then make the appropriate changes to remedy issues.
Where is the love? Unfortunately, addicts become monsters because of the nature of their disease. As the disease progresses they start to lie, manipulate, and isolate themselves more and more to keep up their addiction. Even if that means abandoning loved ones.
What can you do? The important thing to recognize is that he can only help himself if HE wants it and when he recognizes he needs to help himself on his own terms. BUT, it is really important that you recognize that you need to take care of YOURSELF and help you. That's where Al-Anon and SR will come into play.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. We understand living with and loving an alcoholic.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the page. Those stickies contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom.
I found comfort when I found this website. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone. There are folks all over the world dealing with the isolation of addiction. This is a place to be open, honest and accepted.
I cant name any angry alcoholics that are going to embrace their loved one attending Alanon. But their negative attitude is based on ignorance, control, and manipulation.
Reasons I started going to Alanon:
I was lonely
It was free
I was scared of who I was becoming
It was free
I wanted to share my feelings with someone who understood
It was free
I wanted to share my feelings without interruption, being minimized, being blamed, and without judgement
It was free
I wanted to feel like I wasnt crazy
It was free
I was right.
It was all that and more to me, and my angry alcoholic did not like it. He didn't like that I would do something that he didn't like. I realized he was doing tons of stuff I didn't like. It was time to start doing stuff for me.
Your life is important
Your life matters
Your happiness is important
Your feelings are real and very important!
Things I did to take better care of me:
became active here at SR
started attending Alanon
read self-improvement books.
Two of my favorite books are: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and
"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. We understand living with and loving an alcoholic.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. I recommend reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the page. Those stickies contain some of our stories, and loads of wisdom.
I found comfort when I found this website. I found comfort in knowing I was not alone. There are folks all over the world dealing with the isolation of addiction. This is a place to be open, honest and accepted.
I cant name any angry alcoholics that are going to embrace their loved one attending Alanon. But their negative attitude is based on ignorance, control, and manipulation.
Reasons I started going to Alanon:
I was lonely
It was free
I was scared of who I was becoming
It was free
I wanted to share my feelings with someone who understood
It was free
I wanted to share my feelings without interruption, being minimized, being blamed, and without judgement
It was free
I wanted to feel like I wasnt crazy
It was free
I was right.
It was all that and more to me, and my angry alcoholic did not like it. He didn't like that I would do something that he didn't like. I realized he was doing tons of stuff I didn't like. It was time to start doing stuff for me.
Your life is important
Your life matters
Your happiness is important
Your feelings are real and very important!
Things I did to take better care of me:
became active here at SR
started attending Alanon
read self-improvement books.
Two of my favorite books are: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and
"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I read alot of self help books, they have helped me understand me better. Your local library is full of great books. The two that Pelican offered up are a wonderful place to start your journey.
Certainly agree with the others, meetings would be of benefit to you.
Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
Certainly agree with the others, meetings would be of benefit to you.
Keep reading, keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome, Missymum!
We are here to support YOU!
We are here to validate your reality:
Sending hugs and support to YOU!
CLMI
We are here to support YOU!
We are here to validate your reality:
- It is hard work and exhausting to be a mom to wee ones
- PPD is very real for the women who experience it, it is not weakness or made up
- You are not the source of your AH's unhappiness, regardless what he says
- Your AH's treatment toward you is abusive and not acceptable. Any behavior that aims to tear down another person is abusive, whether it involves actual physical harm, swear words, or threat words or not. If it tears you down, it is abusive treatment.
- Abusers tear you down to gain power over you and get their way.
Sending hugs and support to YOU!
CLMI
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Missymum,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place at the moment.
I think I get what you are saying regarding going to meetings. You live in a small town therefore people would know 'you' and put 2 and 2 together. Am I correct?
For now, perhaps it is best to begin the process of your healing with the book suggestions and spending as much time as you can on SR. Maybe in time and as you become stronger you can reconsider the possibility of going to meetings.
What about trying to get out more and socialize? Is that possible with 2 young children? Do you have friends who also have children who could meet once a week for a social and take turns at each others houses?
Take care of yourself and keep posting Missymum. This is a process and it won't be dark forever. You can order those books from Amazon.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark place at the moment.
I think I get what you are saying regarding going to meetings. You live in a small town therefore people would know 'you' and put 2 and 2 together. Am I correct?
For now, perhaps it is best to begin the process of your healing with the book suggestions and spending as much time as you can on SR. Maybe in time and as you become stronger you can reconsider the possibility of going to meetings.
What about trying to get out more and socialize? Is that possible with 2 young children? Do you have friends who also have children who could meet once a week for a social and take turns at each others houses?
Take care of yourself and keep posting Missymum. This is a process and it won't be dark forever. You can order those books from Amazon.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
That's the thing with alcoholics -
when we're drunk we think nobody notices
and then when we're sober
we think everybody is watching.
Neither is true.
Welcome to the forum.
when we're drunk we think nobody notices
and then when we're sober
we think everybody is watching.
Neither is true.
Welcome to the forum.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome to the forum.
Part of the recovery starts when you realize that the secrecy is your codie speaking. You are trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, 13 or so years. If he wants secrecy that's his problem, you don't have to own it with him.
Do what is best for you.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Good luck.
Part of the recovery starts when you realize that the secrecy is your codie speaking. You are trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions.
It was a hard lesson for me to learn, 13 or so years. If he wants secrecy that's his problem, you don't have to own it with him.
Do what is best for you.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
What everyone else says. And welcome!
Come here for a while - get used to opening up and sharing your story. When you feel comfortable and are learning new ways of thinking and responding to situations, you may feel strong enough to take a stand for your own well-being and go to a face-to-face meeting.
Until then, keep coming back and keep reading. The best defense is educating yourself to what you are dealing with.
Take good care,
~T
Come here for a while - get used to opening up and sharing your story. When you feel comfortable and are learning new ways of thinking and responding to situations, you may feel strong enough to take a stand for your own well-being and go to a face-to-face meeting.
Until then, keep coming back and keep reading. The best defense is educating yourself to what you are dealing with.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Welcome! I live in a small town too, and there are probably a third of the people in any meeting that know my ABF personally. NO ONE has mentioned anything to either of us, anywhere. It just isn't done. I kept my going to AlAnon a secret from my boyfriend, because I thought he'd be mad. He was too, once I told him. But in the beginning, I'd wait until he was at work and hire a sitter. Losing the secrecy goes a long way toward our own recovery.
Also, one of the best 'cures' for PPD and stress is exercise. Can you get one of those double joggers and hit the streets?
- Sylvie
Also, one of the best 'cures' for PPD and stress is exercise. Can you get one of those double joggers and hit the streets?
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, MissyMum, and welcome to SR.
There is a vast, vast world of difference between not drinking and working on recovery. It sounds like he is simply not drinking.
Catlovermi's post is wonderful, please read the list posted (over and over and over), because it's true.
I want to add that getting anything done with 2 little ones and while suffering from depression is a HUGE accomplishment. I am so happy that you've been able to seek help for PPD.
Please keep reading and posting here. There is also great information in the stickies at the top of the forum.
There is a vast, vast world of difference between not drinking and working on recovery. It sounds like he is simply not drinking.
Catlovermi's post is wonderful, please read the list posted (over and over and over), because it's true.
I want to add that getting anything done with 2 little ones and while suffering from depression is a HUGE accomplishment. I am so happy that you've been able to seek help for PPD.
Please keep reading and posting here. There is also great information in the stickies at the top of the forum.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suggest that you insist that he gets to AA and finds a sponsor. We alcoholics need the support of others like us to go from dry to sober. I can tell you that sober is quite different from the misery your husband is experiencing. For you I suggest Al-Anon, and for the same reason.
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