Advice, support and wisdom needed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Advice, support and wisdom needed.
For those who have been through a divorce or permanent separation from your A - I could use some support right now. Most know that I have to see my exah in work everyday. He is so far following the limits set by HR and the divorce decree about no contact at work within hearing range of other people.
My unfolding is this: probably part of the healing process but sounds weird. He has been more visible than usual. That means we are running close to each other often. Every time I look up, he is there but again not talking to me as he is not supposed to. I hear his voice and jump. I see his writing on paperwork and jump.
But that is not all - when I see him - actually look at him - I have thoughts - like " he is so handsome when he wears that " or " that color looks amazing on him" or " he sounds so adorable and fun when he says that" or fantasizing about the good times we had etc. You get the pic. It feels good and crazy at the same time.
Now that things are settled and I feel safe - what am I to do with these feelings? I am resisting them. I will not engage him. But there is something that bothers me more - it is so not normal to see someone at work I know and not say "hello, how are you today". I just want normal in my life now and I know it is not with him but how do I reconcile this?
My unfolding is this: probably part of the healing process but sounds weird. He has been more visible than usual. That means we are running close to each other often. Every time I look up, he is there but again not talking to me as he is not supposed to. I hear his voice and jump. I see his writing on paperwork and jump.
But that is not all - when I see him - actually look at him - I have thoughts - like " he is so handsome when he wears that " or " that color looks amazing on him" or " he sounds so adorable and fun when he says that" or fantasizing about the good times we had etc. You get the pic. It feels good and crazy at the same time.
Now that things are settled and I feel safe - what am I to do with these feelings? I am resisting them. I will not engage him. But there is something that bothers me more - it is so not normal to see someone at work I know and not say "hello, how are you today". I just want normal in my life now and I know it is not with him but how do I reconcile this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I wouldn't resist your feelings...just feel them and move on. You don't have to do anything about feelings. You don't have to ignore him nor engage him. Just be completely neutral when faced with any interaction. Passive face. Think your thoughts - smile inside because you really did care about this person and wish them well, then go think about something else.
I know, I know...it sounds so easy. But in reality it is much harder to accomplish. One moment at a time is where I am at with this. One moment at a time.
Is there any way you could not see him so much? Going to very little contact has been helpful. It allows me to keep very firmly detached.
I know, I know...it sounds so easy. But in reality it is much harder to accomplish. One moment at a time is where I am at with this. One moment at a time.
Is there any way you could not see him so much? Going to very little contact has been helpful. It allows me to keep very firmly detached.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Kassie)))
My first thought was to say just let time take care of this. I bet that sooner or later, you will tire of thinking this way, and you will remember why you did this in the first place. Your mind may be playing those little tricks, like forgetting the bad stuff. Give yourself time hon, and I believe that it will all work out. Remember to look at other guys too, and notice their looks, the nice colors they wear, and maybe the nice way they may be noticing you too.
I dont have much in the way of wisdom, or advice worth much, but I send you endless support!
love and hugs
chicory
My first thought was to say just let time take care of this. I bet that sooner or later, you will tire of thinking this way, and you will remember why you did this in the first place. Your mind may be playing those little tricks, like forgetting the bad stuff. Give yourself time hon, and I believe that it will all work out. Remember to look at other guys too, and notice their looks, the nice colors they wear, and maybe the nice way they may be noticing you too.
I dont have much in the way of wisdom, or advice worth much, but I send you endless support!
love and hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
take off your rose colored glasses.
Stop remembering all his good and think intentionally of the bad you went through.
Remember the obnoxious, ugly side of the relationship.
Make yourself conjure up those ugly events when the rose colored emotions pop into your head.
Write em on a 3x5 card and carry them with you so you can slip em out of your pocket and read them when these thoughts enter your head.
It will only take one or two to trigger the negative emotions attached to them.
The negative emotion is where your resolve lies, buried under the rose colored memories created by the natural glazing over effect time and space has on the past. Use those negative emotions to your advantage.......
Stop remembering all his good and think intentionally of the bad you went through.
Remember the obnoxious, ugly side of the relationship.
Make yourself conjure up those ugly events when the rose colored emotions pop into your head.
Write em on a 3x5 card and carry them with you so you can slip em out of your pocket and read them when these thoughts enter your head.
It will only take one or two to trigger the negative emotions attached to them.
The negative emotion is where your resolve lies, buried under the rose colored memories created by the natural glazing over effect time and space has on the past. Use those negative emotions to your advantage.......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
He has been more visible than usual. That means we are running close to each other often. Every time I look up, he is there but again not talking to me as he is not supposed to.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
If you are struggling with the 'what ifs', try rereading some of your old posts or, if you keep one, some of your old journal entries. When I reread mine, I found that I had forgotten so much once I wasn't living with it every day. Seemed like the rose coloured glasses slipped on my face when I wasn't looking!
I'm lucky - now that the house is sold and I have my own place I haven't seen XAH for around 18 months now. It helps. While waiting for the house to be sold though...there were times when he dropped in to pick up his mail and I just wanted to lean into him and be held. Of course, I'd beat myself up for being an idiot afterwards.
I think, for me, it was habit. I was trained to look to him for affection, security and love (not that I found any but that's a whole other post!). You were attracted to him before you married and those same things that first attracted you are on show now. Play the tape all the way through though. The outside package is nothing like what you lived with.
You can do this. You deserve so much better!
I'm lucky - now that the house is sold and I have my own place I haven't seen XAH for around 18 months now. It helps. While waiting for the house to be sold though...there were times when he dropped in to pick up his mail and I just wanted to lean into him and be held. Of course, I'd beat myself up for being an idiot afterwards.
I think, for me, it was habit. I was trained to look to him for affection, security and love (not that I found any but that's a whole other post!). You were attracted to him before you married and those same things that first attracted you are on show now. Play the tape all the way through though. The outside package is nothing like what you lived with.
You can do this. You deserve so much better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
You know, I feel the same when I see Number 6 while re-watching Battlestar Galactica.
It doesn't mean I do anything about it.
Can you transfer to another division?
These people have powerful mojo. It has worked its magic in the past, and will again if you don't keep your guard up.
And I agree with the above advice. go back and read what you went through. You're like the rest of us and prone to forgetting all the bad. It's what we do.
We're kinda like the Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail. "Tis only a flesh wound". When in reality the Knight had lost both arms.
See it for what it is. Simply his Mojo.
The best cure for reducing the effect of his magic Mojo powers is to find another person and see how their mojo works on you! And this time you know what to look for and run away fast when you see the telltale behaviors.
You can tell yourself it's "too soon" or some other nonsense. But the day my divorce ink is dry, I'll be full up and welcome some new healthy relationships. Wherever they may lead.
It doesn't mean I do anything about it.
Can you transfer to another division?
These people have powerful mojo. It has worked its magic in the past, and will again if you don't keep your guard up.
And I agree with the above advice. go back and read what you went through. You're like the rest of us and prone to forgetting all the bad. It's what we do.
We're kinda like the Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail. "Tis only a flesh wound". When in reality the Knight had lost both arms.
See it for what it is. Simply his Mojo.
The best cure for reducing the effect of his magic Mojo powers is to find another person and see how their mojo works on you! And this time you know what to look for and run away fast when you see the telltale behaviors.
You can tell yourself it's "too soon" or some other nonsense. But the day my divorce ink is dry, I'll be full up and welcome some new healthy relationships. Wherever they may lead.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I firmly believe there is nothing wrong with having feelings, whatever they are.
They can help show me where I stand in things, point out issues I need to work on, help me remember good times, help me recover from bad times.
When I see XABF's car in the parking lot at work, I feel a rush of good feelings towards him. I tried to suppress them, ignore them, convince them that they don't exist, but the truth of the matter is that in that car we went to some really cool places, and I experienced so many good things I never would have done.
It's a good thing to remember the good that came with the relationship. It also keeps me from berating myself for not realizing what he was, for not getting away sooner, for this, for that... I kept clinging to the good, even as it dwindled.
Seeing XABF inside the car is a different story, I instantly have the "Fight or Flight" feeling, full force, giant pit in the bottom of my stomach, like a trap door opened under me and here it goes again.
I know I can't go back, the whole situation is toxic, and I can't be around him.
My emotions can be all over the place, from one day to the next - heck, even one minute to the next sometimes! It's okay. They're trying to tell me something.
I still have a hope chest full of scrapbooking supplies for all the adventures we went on. Now I'll notice the pictures where he's drunk, much more than I would have otherwise, but that's a reminder, too.
I am allowed to feel things. And I am allowed to logically object to those feelings, as well. I can't make them hide, I can't make them disappear, the best I can do is recognize them for what they are, savor the good ones, work to heal the bad ones, and move forward with my life.
You deserve the best of everything, Kassie.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Kassie I get it, it was so weird not contacting XABF anymore nor "our" "friends" anymore.
Could you transfer to another division, work different hours, work at home?
Gladly I am now able to work from home and are less exposed to XABF. Worked with him for 2 years . Overheard his stupid comments about beer, women. Takes a huge toll in mental and physical health.
You miss the guy, its OK. But keep the No contact.
What helps me these days is contacting and investing in men that are respectful and have offered support to me. This is very healing.
Also, to talk to friends that don't know XABF.
I joined a gym and have made a couple of friends. The fact no one cares or even knows about XABF is wonderful. I can relax.
I really hope you can get less "exposure time". It sucks to be in that situation but also at this point that I am less triggered (or at least I no longer find him attractive anymore!) I am thankful I kept my job, because I enjoy it and I deserve it. So please remember you are there because of your studies, preparation, to do a task, do it, then leave and treat yourself. You can feel many things, but if you keep no contact and focusing on you you will get through just fine.
You are in my prayers
Could you transfer to another division, work different hours, work at home?
Gladly I am now able to work from home and are less exposed to XABF. Worked with him for 2 years . Overheard his stupid comments about beer, women. Takes a huge toll in mental and physical health.
You miss the guy, its OK. But keep the No contact.
What helps me these days is contacting and investing in men that are respectful and have offered support to me. This is very healing.
Also, to talk to friends that don't know XABF.
I joined a gym and have made a couple of friends. The fact no one cares or even knows about XABF is wonderful. I can relax.
I really hope you can get less "exposure time". It sucks to be in that situation but also at this point that I am less triggered (or at least I no longer find him attractive anymore!) I am thankful I kept my job, because I enjoy it and I deserve it. So please remember you are there because of your studies, preparation, to do a task, do it, then leave and treat yourself. You can feel many things, but if you keep no contact and focusing on you you will get through just fine.
You are in my prayers
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Starcat, your post helped me
Really? when I see it I want to set it on fire. Or become and sniper and be standing on a tall building waiting for him to come out for my Grand Revenge. :uzi:
Kassie do you do any exercise? it has become my refuge. Martial arts are good cardio, make you feel cool and you get stress out. Tae bo.. karate.. kick boxing... even in youtube there are great videos (look up Billy blanks)
I bought my Box gloves and new sportswear and I feel empowered. Even if I felt like a loser from 9 to 5,from 7-8 I am a Strong Healthy Woman, and it sinks in I might also be strong and healthy even when outside situations don't make me feel like one.
Originally Posted by StarCat
When I see XABF's car in the parking lot at work, I feel a rush of good feelings towards him.
Kassie do you do any exercise? it has become my refuge. Martial arts are good cardio, make you feel cool and you get stress out. Tae bo.. karate.. kick boxing... even in youtube there are great videos (look up Billy blanks)
I bought my Box gloves and new sportswear and I feel empowered. Even if I felt like a loser from 9 to 5,from 7-8 I am a Strong Healthy Woman, and it sinks in I might also be strong and healthy even when outside situations don't make me feel like one.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
My current ploy is whenever I have feelings like guilt or how's she doing or maybe I could help I take a deep breath and mentally say to myself "Codie, sit down and shut up". That usually lets the adult in me to get back in charge.
I hope this helps and sending you prayers and good thoughts.
I hope this helps and sending you prayers and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Thanks Starcat, your post helped me
Really? when I see it I want to set it on fire. Or become and sniper and be standing on a tall building waiting for him to come out for my Grand Revenge. :uzi:
Kassie do you do any exercise? it has become my refuge. Martial arts are good cardio, make you feel cool and you get stress out, this has been my refuge. Now I even bought my Box gloves and new sportswear and I feel empowered. Even if I felt like a loser from 9 to 5,from 7-8 I am a Strong Healthy Woman Going to Box Class.
Really? when I see it I want to set it on fire. Or become and sniper and be standing on a tall building waiting for him to come out for my Grand Revenge. :uzi:
Kassie do you do any exercise? it has become my refuge. Martial arts are good cardio, make you feel cool and you get stress out, this has been my refuge. Now I even bought my Box gloves and new sportswear and I feel empowered. Even if I felt like a loser from 9 to 5,from 7-8 I am a Strong Healthy Woman Going to Box Class.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
First of all, (((takingcare))) you made me laugh at the end of a very stressful day - THANK YOU!!!
I want to thank everyone for your support! It means a lot these days as I notice i am very sensitive and reactive lately. Going through loss issues I presume.
The reason I posted this one is that our offices are next to each other. I tried to get a move into an empty office and it was a no-go from adm. Apparently, "our" situation is not important to the adm in light of the time and money it would take to move things - transfer accts and phone mail etc.! I know... I know... these are little things that take about five minutes but.... adm know best?!
We have one wall between us and I can hear him talking all day. Being next door means we are often crossing paths all day long. We are in different dept and it just works out that our offices are next to each other.
I don't fantasize anymore which is a good sign - I have supportive co workers who have been visiting my office occassionally to help out which is cool! I have few illusions if any left just surprised about the ongoing attraction which after all we will struggle with.
To those who suggested looking at other men - I cant' - I have not one thought about looking or thinking about a man again! for now.... not built that way though I get the sentiment!
As one co worker suggested - I am healing as I let myself have the feelings and remember there were good times with the bad or else I wouldn't have continued in the relationship. I do remind myself that there was a reason we separated and d. and I would not go back. I just have these left over feelings and thoughts to sort through and wanted to check in others about it.
THANK YOU !
I want to thank everyone for your support! It means a lot these days as I notice i am very sensitive and reactive lately. Going through loss issues I presume.
The reason I posted this one is that our offices are next to each other. I tried to get a move into an empty office and it was a no-go from adm. Apparently, "our" situation is not important to the adm in light of the time and money it would take to move things - transfer accts and phone mail etc.! I know... I know... these are little things that take about five minutes but.... adm know best?!
We have one wall between us and I can hear him talking all day. Being next door means we are often crossing paths all day long. We are in different dept and it just works out that our offices are next to each other.
I don't fantasize anymore which is a good sign - I have supportive co workers who have been visiting my office occassionally to help out which is cool! I have few illusions if any left just surprised about the ongoing attraction which after all we will struggle with.
To those who suggested looking at other men - I cant' - I have not one thought about looking or thinking about a man again! for now.... not built that way though I get the sentiment!
As one co worker suggested - I am healing as I let myself have the feelings and remember there were good times with the bad or else I wouldn't have continued in the relationship. I do remind myself that there was a reason we separated and d. and I would not go back. I just have these left over feelings and thoughts to sort through and wanted to check in others about it.
THANK YOU !
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You're not a government employee, I take it? Not union? I personally couldn't take working in the office next to AXH. I'd be sending out resumes in bulk. 
I'm sorry you're in that situation.
I'm sorry you're in that situation. Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's probably not a coincidence you're running into him more frequently. But I suggest reeling your mind back in and remembering the pain, the awful things he did and said because as cute as he looks that's who he is. None of us are all good or bad of course, but knowing when to leave or stay involves acknowledging the behavior you simply cannot tolerate any longer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Really? when I see it I want to set it on fire. Or become and sniper and be standing on a tall building waiting for him to come out for my Grand Revenge. :uzi:
Kassie, does having him in the office next door affect your work? Does it make it uncomfortable for you in the office and to concentrate on what ADMIN. is paying you to concentrate on?
If so, maybe you could talk to ADMIN again and point out that this is not a You and Him problem anymore...it is now a YOU, HIM and ADMIN. problem. They may see the light and locate a couple of measly dollars to move your office.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Try talking to HR. If you are uncomfortable with the office arrangements let them know. It is their responsibility to provide a safe and nonthreatening work environment. They might be able to help.
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