KerBearz

A couple of months ago I was here saying that TODAY is the day that my husband leave... here we are 2 months later and I am saying that TODAY is the day! haha

Okay, so since my last post my AH has gotten himself to a assessment, signed himself up for outpatient therapy, attended 2 or 3 times and then dropped out. You guys know the story - he was just buying himself a little more time. The story that I am finding more interesting is what is happening to me and the way I have been feeling about things.

I used to pray and worry obsessively about AH and try to control every situation. I used to just pray that he will make it home safely (or be home when I get there!) Now I find that I prefer he NOT be there, I prefer that he NOT call and check in with me. I really just want to be left alone. I'm out of excuses for putting up with this behavior. My youngest child graduates from high school this week and the holidays are over ~ it's time for me to get my life back.

Today is pretty typical of everyday in my house... I get up at 5 AM and put in a full day of work. When I get home, the house needs to be picked up, the dishes need to be done, throw in a load of laundry, make dinner... as far as I can tell, my AH got up this morning and drank beer.

I'm sure my story is pretty typical. I cannot believe I have put up with this for so long (married 23 years)! I feel sad that I need to end this relationship, but enough is enough.

Thanks for being here everyone!

barb dwyer

((((KerBearz))))

I've missed you!

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like you're getting much more in touch with your own life, who you are as a person and why you make the decisions you do. It's all a process .... This is how it happens for me: there is a moment when every pore of me screams "I JUST CAN'T STAND THIS ONE SECOND LONGER" and the door shuts on what was. I walk out the door and don't look back. But I must get to the deep understanding before I act.

Kassie2

I completely support "getting your own life back"!

You can do this and it will be ok!

((Hugs))

KerBearz

I've always believed that I will be okay... I'm resilient if nothing else. It's always been my AH that I have had to worry about.

One of my favorite Al-Anon readings is about being on a ladder with my alcoholic and begging and pleading for him keep climbing the ladder... each time he falls, he lands on me and doesn't ever get hurt. At some point it doesn't even seem like he's holding on or trying to climb. (that's what this feels like ~ like I am the ONLY one who cares about his well-being) The moral of the story is that I need to have my own ladder and when/if he falls, I don't get hurt in the process. I can cheer him on from my own ladder and I can climb out of my own pit of despair. Whether or not he climbs out is up to him.

I've never been very good about looking out for myself. I've never been one to have a "screw you" attitude because I need to take care of me! But, I am learning and when I climb my ladder, I am not going to fall back down. I feel sad. I feel like I did when I had to put my dog to sleep ~ I KNOW that I am doing the right thing, but it still hurts.

KerBearz

Well, he's gone. He packed a bag and left today. All I can do now is pray that he'll be okay.

lillamy

No, that's not all you can do!
You can make yourself a bubble bath.
And a cup of herbal tea (iced, maybe?).

And enjoy the beginning of the rest of your life.

It's going to be amazing.

marie1960

Ker Bearz, we are starting a new life today. I also sent someone packing today. Truly not sure how I feel yet. Still very numb. Not afraid to startover, just carrying alot of excess baggage,don't know where to set it down. I have been dreaming of this day for quite awhile, feels like a death in the family, except there is no one to mourn. Unless all the broken promises, and crazy drunk people drama count. Wish you all the best in your journey.

dollydo

On your original post you said something about what you used to do, pray and worry about him, obsessively. Try not to fall in the same mindset.

Your future is about you, take care of you. He is a big boy and is responsibile to take care of himself.

Be kind to yourself, make plans to enjoy your new life.

KerBearz

This is a little bit how I feel too... numb and sad and anxious about what will happen next. I am also feeling hope (it's just a small kernel of hope, but it's there!) This is what I want! I don't want to be a prisoner of his addiction anymore. I'm ready to start a new life.

kittykitty

Marie, you are mourning a death... the death of the man you had hoped your A would be. The death of the relationship you wanted, the death of the dream you had pictured and planned for that never came to fruition. It's important to mourn this, just like a real death. Go through the stages, and you will feel much better afterwards.

Kerbearz, if what you described in your first isn't hitting bottom, I don't know what is! There's no where to go but up girl!!! Stay strong, and keep climbing that ladder!