Want to stop Enabling
 

I have been dating an alcoholic for about a year and a half. He has in the past admitted that he has a problem and stopped drinking, only to start again. Except this time, he only drinks on the weekends, so he fails to see that as a problem. He consumes approximately 15-20 beers in about a 10 hour time span and I am really afraid he is going to kill himself!

I have been doing a lot of reading about living with an alcoholic. I am at the point where I can not take it anymore. He makes me crazy! He is never mean, just a blubbering idiot with idiot friends who are all drunks.

Thing is, when he is not drinking, he is the most amazing and loving man I have ever met. I just can't take the weekend stupidity anymore. I want a normal life.

I am well aware that I can not make him change, only he can do that. I have decided that I am going to stop enabling him though. I have read many articles online that say if you make them responsible for their own behavior and actions and they have to face all the consequences on their own, they will sometimes get the picture. And, I feel that this could take a lot of stress off of me.

What I'm not sure of, is what exactly am I supposed to stop doing? If anyone has done this, or has ideas for me, I would greatly appreciate it. None of the articles I have read were very specific as to what to do. they all said to stop cleaning up their messes, don't cover for them, etc. But, I don't really do any of that. I did stop driving him to his friends house (because he doesn't drive), but now he just has them come pick him up. So, I don't know if that did any good.

Am I supposed to simply not acknowledge his presence when he is drinking? What is it you are supposed to do to stop enabling?

Welcome Cin.

I'm new here too but i understand how you feel. its hard to know what is enabling and what isn't.

I may be right and I may not be in saying this but focus on yourself.
only you can make you happy, and that's what you should do.
put yourself first. detach.

You will find alot of things here that will help you see things in a different and help you be a stronger person for it.

Welcome to a great support base that can help you through this.

from my experience and what is stated, alcoholism IS progressive so be wary that his weekends may start to overlap past saturday-sunday.

with that said, as far as enabling goes--well, toward the "end" of my relationship, my xAbf stated "you're still with me so that means i must not be completely bad"... so sometimes us not actively enabling is still enabling just coz we're in their lives.

i didn't clean up his messes or give him financial help, but i learned that just by sticking around i was enabling him.

addiction speaks/thinks for them at some point and normal logic will not work--the extent that they will take to hang on to the delusion so that in their world they are "allowed" to keep drinking will cross all boundaries so that the addiction will always win. this is true until they are TRULY facing the reality of their addiction problems, which is a place many alcoholics do not even reach.

You'll take as much as you need to, as will he. May be helpful to remember that he can't 'make' you anything without your permission.


Yeah, maybe he is, but you have to buy the whole package. Which would include the 'weekend stupidity'. That stupidity will become more frequent, btw.


Depends. You may have to walk away from the relationship to stop enabling him. In any event, try to keep in mind, there's nothing you can do about it, you've already told him how you feel about his drinking, all you really needed to do. He'll drink/not drink regardless of anything you do/don't do.

How do you want your life to look?

I found a lot of "do's" and "don't's" on the wall of my al-anon meetings.

DON'T: nag, count drinks, bargain, supervise, pay his bills, etc.

DO: Focus on One Day at a Time for what makes you happy. Be honest.

Those are the basics.

My suggestion to you for a lifetime of learning is to attend Al-anon. You'll learn life skills that are applicable to all your relationships and place in this world.

alcohol related
 

I think the cynical one summed it up best especially with the alcohol related do's and don'ts. In the end the alcoholic or addict must take responsibility and decide and make the effort to change themselves. You shouldn't have to be the one walking on eggshells.