nicam

I read this somewhere once, and it sums up my relationship.

Yesterday I had a minor setback. Looking over a friend's shoulder on facebook I saw XABF's status update, "So tired of women who play games. **** or get off the pot!!!"

This was written 1.5 hours before he called my hysterically crying and threatening to hurt himself or someone else if I didn't come rescue him. He called me AS SOON as SHE rejected him. Looking back, I see that he has done this before.

NO regard for me, NO remorse, on to the next target and still looking to use me up if it suits him. How could he? If he ever cared for me at all how could he do this ON TOP of all of the insidious abuse he piled on me.

I feel like such a damn fool for loving something that never loved me back! Sick!

Pelican

along the same line of thought:

Dont make someone a priority, when you are just an option.

ouch

Fandy

i'm so sorry....don't dump on yourself. be glad that you found out NOW, instead of another long painful year.

If it makes you feel any better, Mr. Fandy and I lived together for over 4 years...we knew eachother's families and all interacted. when my mother died earlier this month, he did not come to her funeral nor did he even bother to send a sympathy card....(this man always acknowledged friends and family, he even went to the funeral of his dentist).

although it probably rolled in one ear and out the other, I called him on it,(actually I told him he was a scumbag)...it made ME feel better....but we have been apart for over a year.

Alone22

When they can't love themselves they can't love anyone else either. It is not you, it is him. You have wised up and seen the light only showing who the real fool is, HIM. A's are very good manipulators. They fool people all the time, but mostly just fool themselves. It is not something that you were lacking. Until you have to deal with an A it is hard to understand what they are made of and capable of. Sounds like you wised up pretty darn quickly....you should be proud!

nicam

Thanks, I think I wised up quickly because my ex is SO out of control, and so LOW functioning that things quickly escalated to intolerable (for both parties) toxic drama and had to end.

If he had had his **** together a bit more I probably would have stayed a lot longer. Lucky for me his life was SO unmanageable, and mine became so as well, that rock bottom came a LOT sooner.

My mother, while she was young, was a highly functional alcoholic. These types are able to maintain jobs and relationships for years and years, and responsibilities to a degree acceptable to the outside world I think. They're able to keep up appearances. At least for a while, it wears them down in their old age though, and everything will slowly deteriorate.

XABF was the opposite. Jobs, relationships, friendships, living arrangements, all fall by the wayside in the blink of an eye and emotional explosion. He's the park bench type of drunk. Or, the prison type. Sleeps on an air mattress in a filthy house full of college kids (he's almost 30), blacks out and loses control in front of people, frightens others. Has NO money or sense of financial responsibility. People immediately sense he's not right in the head...

I guess with this type you get all of the pain condensed into a couple of short, tumultuous, horrific bouts and then you bottom out. Total extremes, but short and bitter.

Tuffgirl

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, but not everyone progresses at the same speed. Old age has nothing to do with it. High functioning is a stage, not a type. And high functioning alcoholics are in their own way high maintenance and detrimental to the people they have relationships with, because they are just as emotionally unavailable as low functioning alcoholics.

barb dwyer

The title of your post made me think of some program
I don't remember the name of it
on Animal Planet -

it was about some psychological disorder
associated with people who 'love' poisionous snakes and spiders.

Of course every person the show described died
because they 'loved' poisionous snakes.

but -

the show made me think about us codies

just the same

because there *is* (IMO) a similarity
about us
who think that what these people do to us

is love.

That's why the big onion peeling process
some people would call a 'journey'
to discover what it really *is*

sometimes along the way find out where the hell we got that idea
but mostly to get beyond it

and find out.

Anyway - ott - perhaps
but it's what the title made me think of.

Babyblue

Nicam your post hit home with me.. not loving someone that can't love back is a hard lesson I am having to learn.

Sorry you had to go through that with the ex.

I am trying to stop wrapping my 'normal' brain around what it is this guys do or say. They fool even the most together of women.

My guy really hit the skids too before rehab. Not much has changed as far as I can see in terms of his ability to relate to me in a healthier way.

Emotional unavailability is very tough to accept. Because we are OVERLY available as codependents. Our cup runneth over with love and help. But they cannot possibly match that in a healthy way, even IN recovery sometimes.

Great quotes in this thread too. We need a thread of great quotes.

Impurrfect

(((Nicam))) - as far as I know, my first XABF is still a "high-functioning alcholic". I only know this because I've reconnected with mutual friends, though he had shut them out for a few years, and they aren't exactly jumping over hoops to be friends with him again. They are truly happy that I'm no longer the same person I was (though still adore my friends), and really like the "new and improved version" that is my life.

For me, I was the one who saw his ugly side, when he'd have just one drink too many and turn into a total jerk. Though he always held nice jobs, had lots of friends, he was STILL emotionally unavailable to me. It took 20+ years, developing my own addiction, and getting into recovery to see him for what he truly was. The hard part, for me, was realizing that I had a part in it. The saying "you get what you tolerate" comes to mind.

I never figured out why I accepted this relationship (NOT raised in a dysfunctional family) but it no longer really matters. What matters is what I do today, when I need to set boundaries, when I need to detach (still have active A's and codies in my life, but they're related to me) but I've gotten much better at detaching, setting boundaries, etc.

Twenty years ago, I thought I couldn't live without him. Today, I realize that I was pretty sick, too (in my codie-ness), have forgiven myself, and am doing better now, because I know better now. It's taken me a while to get to this part, I still slip every now and then, but I rebound a lot faster

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

fourmaggie

was thinking about this "guy" and i so get that statement!! thanks for the "refresher"

PurpleWilder

Uh, no....he is tired of women who won't play HIS game. You know...the one where you treat your own life like it is disposable just so you can run around and clean up after his messes.

People like that? The game they are playing is Russian Roulette. Don't play.