lilkwason

My fiance and I have been together for almost two years and he has a bad drinking problem. He used to be abusive to me,but now his just gone for days. I get so sick with worry because i know how gets when his drunk. He is quick to make friends but gets cocky and mouthy. He has come home beat up. I am so scared that one of these days he wont come home at all. I love this man with all of my heart but this relationship is taking a toll on my health. He knows he has a drinking problem, and sometimes it feels like we kicked his addiction but he can not handle stress,and we fall back into this routine. I even started drinking with him to be close to him, and I am realising now that it just drives a biggeer wedge in between us. I have tired to leave him multiple times but he says things to me like I am the best thing in his life and with out me, he wouldnt be able to live any more. His an amazing person but he has this addiction and I want to help him, to take away all his pain but I know I am not capable of it. I dont know how to get away, as he moved from the other side of canada to be with me, and has nofamily or friends here.

Babyblue

Aren't you worth more worry than anyone else out there who he may beat up?

It broke my heart to read your post. What you construe as love is abuse both emotionally and physically and abuse is a separate issue than the drinking.

Please contact a Domestic Violence agency. No one should be treated this way and it saddens me that you still find him 'amazing' in spite of how he treats you.

He could go jail for a long time for what he does to you. And there is a reason for that. He is an abuser and there is no rationalizing that by his alcoholism being an excuse to treat you that way.

nicam

Don't let this be the rest of your life. Odds are he will not change, if he does it will be a very long, rocky, and precarious process. He may make enough progress just to keep you hooked only to return to his old ways over, and over, again. He isn't capable of love, or any type of healthy relationship. It will just get worse if he doesn't get help FOR HIM, not you. Even if that happens, its still a shot in the dark.

I know it hurts and seems impossible, but the sooner we face reality and accept the truth the better. Truly sorry for your pain, you are not alone.

nicam

Please don't let this be the rest of your life. Odds are he will not change, if he does it will be a very long, rocky, and precarious process. He may make enough progress just to keep you hooked only to return to his old ways over, and over, again. He isn't capable of love, or any type of healthy relationship and won't be for a very long time. He will just get worse if he doesn't get help FOR HIM, not you. Even if that happens, its still a shot in the dark.

I know it hurts and seems impossible, but the sooner we face reality and accept the truth the better. Truly sorry for your pain, you are not alone. I too was involved with someone who became very abusive. You are in denial, and conditioned to accept his behavior because you see a fantasy version of him and think things will change for the better. You will be waiting for that big payoff forever, and be drained of everything, including your will to live, in time.

dollydo

He is quacking, telling you want to hear..yes, he can and will live without you, no, you cannot save him. He is doing what alcoholics do, drink.

If he has a job he can find a new place to live, or, you can.

There is no excuse for abuse of any kind. Drunk or not, abuse is a deal breaker.

Since he is disappearing for days, that is a red flag to me, may be doing drugs too.

What kind of life is this for you? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with an abusive drunk? Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will get worse until he falls to his knees and finds recovery for life, and keep in mind he will always be an A, it is just a matter if he is sober or not. That's it.

I am sorry that you are going thru this, however, you have the power to change this situation for you. His disease is his problem to address, not yours.

m1k3

lilkwason, take a good look at yourself today and how you feel. Cherish this day because your future is much worse than it is now. We are all speaking from experience. Things will only get worse not better. Your love can't save him, he can only save himself.

I get the impression, and I very well might be wrong, that you are looking for permission to leave this relationship. You don't need anyone's permission. The fact that you are posting here should be enough of a warning about your future.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

lillamy

We? You are not the person with the alcohol addiction. He is.

Yup, I heard that to. For 20 years. Somehow, he's managing just fine without me. Imagine if I had known that 20 years ago, and not waited 20 years of abuse and misery with leaving him?

Listen: They all are. I don't think there's a single person here who married an utter jerk just for the heckuvit. They're all amazing persons except... The thing is, they are amazing persons and alcoholics. And you will find, step by step, how the alcoholic eats the amazing person more and more until there is nothing left. Until you have a drunk shell left.

You can help him by letting him fail. Like a child learning to walk won't ever learn to walk if someone's constantly supporting them, alcoholics need to fall and get back up and fall and get back up and fall on their face until they decide they need help.

The fact that he's moved across the country does not prevent you from getting out of the relationship.

Please find an Al-Anon group in your town. Read the sticky posts in this forum. You're among people who have been where you are and people who are where you are. We get it. The pain, the worry, the wanting to do for someone else what they don't do for themselves. Big hugs to you. It's a sh*tty place to be. And you don't have to.