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911 CALL TO S&R - Domestic Violence

Old 05-28-2011, 12:38 PM
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911 CALL TO S&R - Domestic Violence

Well, yesterday my divorce was final...Trying to deal with it, the best I can.
Had plans today, to do some fun things...

Woke up this morning, had a really weird gut feeling, called my daughter at 8am.
Asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. I called her on it. She
finally breaks down and tells me the truth...

As some of you know, 2 years ago, she was in a domestic abuse relationship.
Her husband now, boyfriend then was dealing prescription drugs and drinking whiskey.
The first time she told me he was doing that, I went CRAZY!!!!
I turned into a freaking grizzly bear....
I yanked her out of the house, called the cops, the story included
loaded guns, drug dealers, protection orders, lawyers, you name it, it happen. I moved her home, then one week later...I was the bad mom
who took her away from a great man...She told everyone my mom
made that story up, he never hit me....He never bite me or he never
put loaded guns to my head...HOLY ****!!!

So then I deal with my alcoholic husband for 2 years..
Get him out of my life, daughter comes back into my life.
The past couple of weeks I have been able to enjoy her & the new
granddaughter back into my life.

THANK GOD!!!!!! For Alanon & SR for all that I have learned...
And the THANK GOD part is not just words, it is deep in my heart!

Today, she tells me, he is back on the drugs, he has never quit beating
her, he drinks whiskey everynight. He is going thru $600 every 2 weeks
on drugs and not helping her with rent/food. Last night he punched her in the
stomach, bruised her arm.

SUPER WOMAN ALANON MOM SAID (ME):
1- Well only you know what to do

2- File a protection order

3 -You did not cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it
and that rule there applies to me also with you!!!

4 - The door is open, but there is one requirement/rule that you
will have to do before you move here with me.
(A) You will get professional help for domestic abuse and you will go to Alanon...
****She felt bad because she hit him back?? omg,....((I feel sick!!))
Why would a woman would feel bad for hitting back?


I (BOBBY J) will not control, cause or cure this either!!!! WILL NOT!!!
Once again, I can not believe this is happening in my freaking life...

I am asking for help, I have never dealt with physical abuse in my life.

What direction do I point her to?
I know where the Alanon classes are..
What about domestic abuse?
Do I google them online?
Do they have classes like alanon?

I cant fix it for her, but would like to give her the information, for when
she is ready to change...

I would have never dreamed that I would be here today, asking these questions...

She told me, the abuse hasnt stopped in 2 years, she just hid it, thinking
it would go away.

I laughed, and said yes, I thought my husbands drinking
would do the same.
You have alcohol plus drugs, I cant imagine..

I told her, she does have to leave, for the safety of the baby.
I dont want them starting a tugging war with the baby and her dying
over someone high on drugs.

I explained to her, how sick their minds
are, but it was up to HER and HER only, on what she wants to do...

I told her the door is open, she is welcome to stay here.
She should be here in about 1 hour, I will check back later, for any advise that you can share....

GOOD GOD..Im trying to work on me....I am taking deep breaths
and holding on as strong as I can...Because I really could drive down
there and kick the living **** out of him!!!
Alanon Reminder: He is sick...
The old mebut I would rather him be dead)

Am I doing the right thing? What am I suppose to do???
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:00 PM
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You're doing great. Don't let your mind spin out; stay focused.

Make sure you have an emergency plan for YOU, in case HE gets violent (or manipulative) and comes to YOUR place!

Make sure somebody, a third party, knows the story, in case something happens.

Maybe YOU call a local domestic abuse hotline, and ask them for some tips for YOU, they are there for YOU as well.

National Domestic Violence hotline (www.thehotline.org), they can get you to a local line:

1 800 799 SAFE

1 800 799 7233


Breathe!

Sending much support!

CLMI
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:21 PM
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From their website, a quote:
Fifteen years ago today, the National Domestic Violence Hotline received its first call for help from a father seeking help for his daughter who was in an abusive relationship. Advocates answer the phone lines at The Hotline 24 hours a day, seven days a week...
Their very first call for help at the hotline was from a PARENT wanting to help a daughter in an abusive situation, asking for help what to do.
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:25 PM
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((((BobbyJ)))) Just as Catlover said. Try calling the national DV hotline. Those people are trained to know exactly what to do and what resources are available in your area and in your daughter's area.

I'm glad she is on her way to you......please try not to panic, you are doing just fine!!! I'm glad she told you the truth. I think that is a good sign!

Hugs and prayers for you all, HG
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:50 PM
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(((BobbyJ))) - I have been in DV situations. If you have any money at all, change your locks. Go around your home and look for ways to increase security. The #1 time that abusers hurt or kill is after they have been left. Be prepared. You may ask the local police for a driveby check for a few weeks.

Your daughter needs more help than you can give her. Call the DV line and hand her the phone, then take the baby for a walk with some formula.

She isn't alone in her awful situation. Other people have gone back, other people have lied, other people have turned into people they don't like.

Your relationship, imho, needs a reset. You haven't been in touch with her for a long time, and there is a lot of crisis intervention that needs to happen. And a baby. And lots more. So, start over, as if she were a stranger. Do one day at a time, one moment at a time.

As for your daughter, for god's sake, don't google DV. Contact the national hotline, she can get more local information from them or the hospital. Domestic violence needs face to face courage, if she's ever going to overcome it.

AAM: the cops took away my xbf and his gun, but gave it back to him 48 hours later. Because he had a permit, and the cops believed his story over mine, and never told me how or why to press charges.

If your daughter wants to press charges for last night, she can. She can do it from your house.

Keep breathing in and out.

- Sylvie
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Old 05-28-2011, 02:02 PM
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You are a great Mom. And sounds like you are doing the right thing now - offering her a place and resources without making the decision for her.

Prayers to you and your family today.
~T
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Old 05-28-2011, 02:05 PM
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Oh BobbyJ I have no words of advise from any experience but just wanted to give you some support. Oh my GOD I can only imagine what you must be going through. It is one thing dealing with or having her deal with an addicted spouse it is a whole other beast when it comes to DV. He has been hurting your baby and it could get even uglier. Please do whatever you can if not for your baby but for your grandbaby. She has the choice to stay, your grandbaby does not. I think what you said to her is a fantastic start and a the door you opened for her is one I really hope she walks through. Sending prayers your way!
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Old 05-28-2011, 02:15 PM
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*prayers*

I hope you'll keep posting after you've called the dv line.
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:24 PM
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She is here with baby. Got them both to take a nap.

I had her call the hotline: They told her to get an attorney (on a holiday)??
Made sure she was in a safe place.

Called the local police: They said there is nothing they can do. She has
to get a lawyer and wait until Tuesday to file protection order. (holiday)

I callled my local police: Reported the car to be watched. Thank goodness for
small towns, They will drive by the house 100 times...

So, it looks like nothing much will be happening today

She is crying to me for advice on what to do?
Should she go back there, and get her stuff on Monday?
I told her, she has to have someone there with her...
What to do with her job?

OMG...I have no clue???

I am taking pictures of the bruises on her arm.
He punched her in the stomach last night

He just bought a new handgun 2 weeks ago
Totally freaks me out...

She did ask about alanon class...We are heading there TONIGHT!!! (Praise God)

Keep the ideas coming....

She said he has been high for a couple of days now...

Smoking PILLS thru a pipe
guess he puts them whole in a pipe, wrapped in foil and smokes it that way...

Im experianced with vodka & whiskey, not this crap...
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Old 05-28-2011, 03:32 PM
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This may sound drastic but if you are really at your wits end, sometimes the thing to do with mom's who stay in abusive relationships is to call CPS (CFS in my state).

It sounds harsh but it isn't until the threat of CPS in your daughters life which will make her see the light with this guy. Sometimes CPS can hook the moms up with resources and help that the average person cannot. They won't remove your granddaughter but they will investigate and spell it out for your daughter in very clear terms about what she has to do to protect herself and her child.

As a mom your daughter has to protect her daughter. In the eyes of CPS, a mom who goes back to the known abuser is child endangerment and they do get involved. A child who witnesses child abuse is experiencing a form of emotional abuse as well.

It sounds very harsh but I work with some very troubled moms and it is the last resort but often the ONLY thing which gets them to see the light that these men they pick to stay with are bad news all around.
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:09 PM
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Oh BobbyJ, on one hand it seems like the last thing that you needed on your plate. On the other hand it seems like you are in the right place to be the best support for your daughter, if you weren't in recovery you couldn't be such a great example to your daughter and to all of us.
I will be thinking of you. Stay safe.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:48 PM
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More advice? okay, I've got lots!

About her job: she can call Tuesday am and say that she is dealing with DV and will they hold her job for 2 weeks while she gets it straightened out. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. She can deal with that in 2 weeks.

About the dope: It sounds quite likely that he is on a new type of cocaine that is filtering into the US. Can you call the police back and get an emergency restraining order? Though, they're notoriously disregarded, which leads to the next:

About security: Do NOT answer the phone or the door. Does he know or suspect that she is there? If so, it might be safer for you all to go to a hotel until next week. ($$$, I know). or she could go to the DV center tomorrow, or everyone can sleep in inside rooms.

Point the car facing out, in a position that can't be blocked. Keep the keys where you can always reach them. If you hold down the 9 key on a cell phone, it will dial 911.

About whether she should go back: no. everything can be replaced except her and the baby. I've done it. She can do it. And Babyblue is right: in many states, a woman who returns to an abuser is liable for jail time and having the kid turned to foster care. Certainly, it's true in this state. Call and ask. She needs all the help she can get. She is not thinking straight; no one can under those conditions. She needs time and resources. Safety and professional help of all kinds.

Keep checking in, please. keep breathing in and out. Nothing needs to be decided right now. Can you call a friend to go shopping for you? You need help here too.

The more people who can join in against DV, the less impact it will have. The more you and your daughter lean on the support of your friends and community, the less emotional trauma this time will have. I know that seems a foolish thing to say, but I'm looking at it 17 years later.

- Sylvie
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:11 AM
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Well, Sylvile, she is here with me almost 2 hours from him.

She said she WILL NOT go back to him. But tomorrow or Monday
we are going there in the truck to get her stuff. BUT we will
have men there. I "WILL NOT" attempt this alone, like I did last time..

The damn cops said, they cant just show up, unless
it gets heated up and we call...WTH???

We didnt make it to Alanon tonight, am disappointed, but the baby
was sleeping..

From what I have learned they call it "Hillbilly Heroine". That is when
they take oxycodene, put it in tin foil and smoke the crap out of it..

As far as me, I have preached Alanon all night. I have showed her the stack
of books and told her she is welcome to read them..

BABYBLUE: That is great advice. I told her what you said & she is going
to call them also on Tuesday (holiday) nothing is open

As the story unravels, he has been consuming a fifth every of whiskey every 2 days, along with the usual lying, stealing, financial mess....

Hard to believe someone at 21 years old, has almost the same issues of my
50 year old husband...or should I say XAH as of yesterday...

My mind is numb tonight, with all of this going on....

I pray for serenity....
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:35 AM
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Hang in there Bobby. You and DD are doing just great under the circumstances. You will both get through this and it'll make your bond together even stronger. Please however, do stay vigilant. He's incredibly unpredictable right now, so you both need to stay calm and focused. Will be sending strength to you in my prayers.
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Old 05-29-2011, 09:43 AM
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You and your family are on my mind and in my prayers.
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Old 05-29-2011, 11:51 AM
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Hope you had a restful, quiet night. Sending prayers today for a quiet Sunday.

Keep us posted. I am learning all kinds of things if ever I find myself in the same situation with one of my daughters...heaven forbid...but at least I'll remember this thread and the great advice.

P.S. One more thing, BobbyJ...I can't help but believe her actions today are a direct result of your own strength in removing yourself from a harmful relationship. You set a great example and she's following it. Your strength motivated her to find her own. Feel good about that today.

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-29-2011 at 11:52 AM. Reason: more to add...
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:09 PM
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Sorry I am so late in 'chiming in' but had puter problems, hard drive died in my laptop and will not receive new one from Dell until Wednesday (Monday being a Holiday, lol) so had to drag out the old PC, find an ethernet cord so at least I am on DSL, but this dang thing does not have the dual core prcessor, so seems very slow.

Now to what has happened. I can only say WOW you have done everything correctly so far. Excellent advice above. Take ALL precautions listed. I hope the 'fellows' going with you with the truck are big and burly and will be on the alert. Keep phone handy to call cops there if need be, as she gets her things and baby's things (I am sure crib etc are needed).

I am glad she is at least willing to go to Alanon. See if you can also get her to call the 'local' DV center, as they will have therapy available for her.

I would also suggest, you have your daughter read the thread I started in F & F Substance Forum about what happened to my neighbor. That might just strengthen her 'resolve'. I sure hope so.

Please keep posting and let to let us know how both of you are doing as you know we care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-29-2011, 03:46 PM
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So glad you are feeling helped and supported by the feedback.

You are doing an awesome job and I can't imagine how stressful this is right now.

Hang in there!!
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Old 05-29-2011, 05:01 PM
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dont forget to breath!!!

use step 1 as much as you can with her...til it sinks in!....
~god bless....my mom was my angel...
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Old 05-29-2011, 07:12 PM
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Whatever else you do:

Do not bad mouth him. She is grieving and she at the very least thinks she loves him and needs him.

You need to be her support in her own decisions.Do not be overbearing.

Do not tell her she needs to leave or get out

Do not push her anywhere she does not take herself

Tell her and SHOW HER you trust in her judgement.

Give her the room to make her own decision.

Go buy the book why does he do that by lundy bancroft and give it to her.

She has to educate herself.

She will find strength in that education because she will relate to what he is saying

It will open her eyes.

Dont push her please, you will only push her away.

By the way, Breathe............

Also read the sticky at the top: how to support an abused person.
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