pixilation

Calling lawyers, they all want a 3-5K retainer fee. Seriously? So basically, I can move out, and probably lose the kids because he does have that much(or did, it was supposed to go to fixing the horrible roof on the house) or I can pay for PART(out of the savings I have) of a retainer fee to file. And then have absolutely no money to move out with.

It's great to see that I can devote years of my life to raising my kids, sacrificing so much, just to have them ripped from me because he makes the money.

No, there is no one in my family that can loan me money, not that much.

wanttobehealthy

I'm in the same boat. I haven't paid a retainer to my lawyer. I am paying her based on her hourly rate (which will surely run me more in the long run but I don't have thousands sitting around).

Could you do it that way?

It's awful that having decent representation (or even crappy representation) is so costly. It's definitely a reason women stay in bad marriages- many women are SAHM's with no money of their own and how exactly would they come up with money to pay a lawyer? I work full time and make decent money but even still, when bills are paid for and school is paid for for the girls I have nothing left...

I'm in limbo right now for many reasons with my divorce, not the least of which is finances...

I'm sorry I don't have a solution... I really can relate...

GettingBy

Check for a local legal aid group. Most firms provide "pro-bono" legal services for non-profit groups.

Keep digging... help is out there. Google "legal aid" and the name of your city.

pixilation

Well, hourly looks to run about 150 an hour, so no, that won't work either. I'm working 20 hours a week, and even if I was working full time, I wouldn't be taking home much more if you figured daycare out of that(with it being summer, that would be full time for 2 kids, so in my area about 250 a week)

I even have an apartment, or at least, I will once my mom co-signs(yet another thing..not having any rental history for the last five years has come to bite me in the butt) but how am I supposed to accept it when it will end up just being me in the apartment?

suki44883

Pixilation, don't invent trouble. You don't know that he would "get the kids" just because he has money. Remember the reason you are leaving. The guy is an alcoholic. You have options. Legal aid can help. Social services can help. Where there is a will, there is a way. Millions of women raise their children on their own and they are not rich. They just do what they have to do in order to provide safety for their children. You can do it, too.

Remember also, leaving him does not mean you have to file for divorce immediately. You will have time to save up money to do that at a later time. The most important thing is to get yourself and the kids away from him.

pixilation

I do have to, he's already promised he's going to file and take them, last week when I asked him if he'd called any roofing companies yet. He said no, that the money went to the lawyer for when you run off so I can take the kids(he recently got a settlement from the VA for his PTSD disability claim)

If I'm lucky though, he'll end up in jail on June 2nd(driving under suspension court case, which could revoke his 30 days "stayed" in jail sentence that he got for the first DUI), and I'll move out while he's in jail, and then we'll be safe for a few weeks at least. I would have to tell his mom or sister about me leaving though, because someone would have to take care of all the animals(oh I wish I could take my cats with, the apartments I'm finding in my price range don't accept pets, it's been heartbreaking)

My stress level is thru the roof right now, I'm sorry I'm letting the stinking thinking get in the way.


I don't think legal aid can help with divorce in my state, but I filed an application anyway.

suki44883

Just because he says he's going to take the kids doesn't mean anything. If you can prove that he is an alcoholic, and you should be able to with documentation and arrest/DUI history, then you won't have a problem. Again, don't invent trouble. He is threatening you because he believes it will scare you into not protecting yourself and the kids. Never lose sight of the fact that you are doing this to protect your children.

LaTeeDa

Okay, so he hasn't actually done anything yet, right? My AH was all full of bluster and threats when he found out I was divorcing him, too. As it turned out, he was all talk. I mean really, what are the chances of him putting that money into a retainer when he can drink it instead.

Stop listening to his threats. IF he takes action, then deal with it when it happens. Chances are pretty slim that he will--at least judging from my experience.

As far as your own legal situation--I represented myself. I had a free initial consultation with an attorney, got a lot of my basic questions answered, and found out he wanted $12K retainer. *cough* That's when I started doing my own research. I got a list of attorneys and paralegals who were available for "piece work." In other words, they would prepare/file certain documents for an hourly fee if I needed help. I met with the local family law facilitator (a person who works for the court and provides services to self-represented people). I bought a book from Nolo Press on how to do your own divorce, and I used the internet extensively. It was a lot of hard work and time spent, but my divorce ended up costing me under $500, and most of that was filing fees. If I can do it, so can you.

L

fedup3

You're in my prayers, pixilation. Have faith in God He'll handle this and take a deep breath!

BobbyJ

Dont forget to take pictures of the roof or him when he is drunk.
I saved lots of drunk pictures, videos of him laying on the floor.
(JUST IN CASE) I needed them for court....

If he is willing to file for the divorce, let him...

The judge will be able to read between the lines....
Especially with his record...

And remember, Mine "Quacked" the same ******** of him filing first...
Well, at the end, guess who paid & filed...(me)

Call your county assistance program, they will be able to help you, or even
the womens shelter, they might be able to help direct you...

Hang Tough - It will work out ...(might not be today or tomorrow, but it will work out)

Remember "One day at a time"

laurie6781

Okay.

First, take a very deep breath, hold to the count of ten and then exhale. Repeat ten more times.

Now, call the Bar Association in your state capitol. Tell them what is going on and that you need a referral to a 'reasonable' divorce attorney that will take payments. Be sure to mention his alcoholism, his recent DUI and you are so concerned for the welfare of your children. Tell them his 'threats' and ask them what attorneys in your area might be able to help you.

I think you might be pleasantly surprised at their response and the ensuing outcome.

What he is doing by saying "that the money went to the lawyer for when you run off so I can take the kids" is QUACKIN!!! It is alcoholic BLUSTER. He can try, but a family court judge seeing the RECENT DUI and any other evidence you have as to his drinking will NOT award your children to his custody.

He was trying to 'rattle' you and he did. So do your deep breathing exercises any time he pulls this again and keep moving forward.

Get your apartment, then look for an attorney and also check with Legal Aid as they too may be able to help you with your limited 'income' and his alcoholism.

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,

barb dwyer

yep. look into what Laurie said -

here in MT - we just go to the courthouse
and the clerk of the court finds a list
of attorneys who have volunteered pro bono work.

But MT is a small (population) place.

HE is the one with a record.
not you.

And we're breathing....

Florence

Nightmare stories do happen, but the courts see this stuff so often. A good judge will do everything s/he can to keep kids away from bad influences, including chaotic homes. The evidence is not in your ex's favor.

I used to volunteer as a CASA and in my experience there are a lot of fears on behalf of the leaving/abused parent that aren't based on evidence.

barb dwyer

you still have the power of two very scary words to an alcoholic:

drug test.

You - can pass one.
he cant.

theuncertainty

Big, big, big hugs, Pixil. If I could, I'd wrap you in one of the bear hugs that my sister gives me when I need to be pulled back in. (I really miss her right now and am glad she gets back this afternoon.)

You can do this. A way will present itself, be it Legal Aid able to take your case, a lawyer willing to work pro-bono, or take payments, or your STBXAH digging a hole so deep that the courts can't miss it (I'd say a DUI is the start of a huge hole).

Please don't beat yourself up for how you're feeling. (Yeah, I know, look who's saying that. ) Take care of you. Big hugs and wishing you continued strength. One foot in front of the other.

SheCanRun

Pixilation I don't don't your story but like you I was faced with the decision to stay or leave my AH. I had no money at all. He threatened and scared me. He lawyered up and filed first.
What I learned is that in most cases the kids go to the Mommy (sorry Dad's) unless there is a VERY good reason they shouldn't. Your lack of money is not a good reason for you not to get them. His threats are just that, threats. I KNOW (believe me) they are super scary.
What worked for me when he scared the h*ll out of me (daily almost) was to go to my one or two trusted GFs and weekly my therapist and vent like crazy. They would help put me back together, hold me up so that I could rise again to fight another day.
I'm not going to say it's been easy....far from it, but I did get primary custody and he lives very far away from me with is lovely, shiny new enabling girlfriend (bless her poor little heart) She really has no idea.
Don't let the financial part stop you if you really want to do. Your higher power will step in when you need it.
Good luck, many prayers for you.

BHF

Since you've already applied for assistance through the Legal Aid Society, call them back and ask for a list of attorneys who work with them offering either pro bono or reduced fee retainer work. Keep calling attorneys and explaining your situation. Be upfront and state that you can't afford the retainer now, but will attempt to make arrangements. Most will blow you off, some won't. They do receive CLE credit for pro bono work, which helps a little. Also, some have a sense of obligation in regards to performing pro bono work.

2nd idea. If the husband does file 1st, find an atty to appear on your behalf to do no more than this. File a motion with the Court to request that the Judge order the Husband to pay your legal fees, or at least the retainer. If he just received a settlement, he has the $ and would likely be ordered to pay it at the end, regardless. It's not uncommon for the court to order the spouse to pay fees upfront in order for both parties to have access to representation. If the judge doesn't agree, make the offer that any fees paid upfront will be taken into consideration when alimony is addressed.

theuncertainty

Pixil, I just read today's entry in Beatties Language of Letting Go and thought of both of our threads.

Here's what stood out for me, and I hope it helps you a little:

We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see. ....
That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

I need to change my reading time to first thing in the AM.

Hang in there.

Pelican

I hope today brings clarity and peace.

I had fears when leaving my AexH. I had been a SAHM for 12 of the 14 years we were married. How was I going to support myself, 2 teenagers, and 2 pets?

My AexH tried the same quacking about how he was going to x, y, z and I wouldn't have a. b. c.

It was blustering/quacking/Bullshut!

A fool and his money don't part company. (well, not willingly)

I requested that he pay half the legal fees. I was granted the request.

I requested spousal support (repayment for forgeries and theft). I was granted the request.

I requested child support. I was granted the request.

A fool will part with some of his money, if it keeps his butt out of jail.
A fool will also part with some of his money, as long as it keeps the lover (alcohol) available.

My best advise based on experience:

Patience, more will be revealed.

You keep doing the next right thing for yourself and your children.

Latte

A judge will see right through him.

Record his threats, (the threats against you can be used in custody cases) either in writing or digitally.

My Mom filed for her own divorce. My Father was not contesting it though.

You've gotten some great advice here. Keep coming here to vent, etc. I know I'm more than happy to listen.