Decisions
 

So rah and I have decided after living apart for 4 months that he is going to move back in and try again. I will be honest, I am really scared. I have put down some ground rules such as he will not be allowed to drink here (or at all for that matter) or he will be gone. I am still really second guessing my decision and it makes me wonder that maybe I am making the wrong decision or is this something that would be normal to feel this way? I have huge concerns about the unknown because he has been unstable in the past. (as many a are). So are these thoughts of me being scared normal (because of things that have happened in the past) or should I be treating this as a huge red flag?

Hi Mum22etc.

Being scared is completely normal. How can I trust him again? I am giving in too soon? what if he drinks again? etc Genuine reasons to be scared. 4 months sober is nothing either! I would have said a year to my AH, if he had ever offered to give up drinking.

My AH gave up for 4 months once after his alcoholic dad died in awful circumstances, then I found the 24 pack in the garage! In 23yrs marriage, 4 months is the only time he has been sober or at least tried to be.

I think it depends on how often you are willing to try to stay and make a go of things. You sound very ambivalent and if you feel this way then IMO the marriage is doomed anyway. You have to both be committed to making it work 100% or he will pick up on your feelings and the rot will set in.

My AH (23yrs) and I separated several times over the course of our marriage. He moved out once when the children were younger and once I moved out with slightly older DD's. We separated many, many times cohabiting and sleeping in spare rooms. We are currently separated again but cohabiting until I can find a nice place of my own. This time its for good, and I can say that with my hand on heart. Enough was enough for me. I had tried so often to make things work, whilst he continued to drink.

You know yourself the outcome of your RAH staying sober is very, very slim, so I would say to make sure you have another plan in place just in case. If you are willing to take him back this time based on your 'ground rule' that he will not drink and he does then what are you going to do?

He has to know that this is his last chance and make sure you are very clear that there wont be another one and you have to follow through with the consequences of his drinking _ie ask him to leave or you will end up in the viscous circle of taking him back over and over again.

If you are not attended Al-anon, do that too and also get some therapy behind you. A years worth of therapy is why I am leaving and feel happy to do so.

I think being scared is very normal, in fact if you were all happy and there was no questions that would be more worrisome. I used to think 4 months was a lot, but after reading more on addiction the time frame that would make me feel a bit better would be closer to a year. BUT 4 months if he is in fact a RA, not just not drinking, is a great start. If you feel like it is time to give it a try I would asked yourself how healed you are from having an AH. It is pretty likely that he will at least slip up a few times so how is that going to make you feel? How easy or hard is it for him to move right back out again? If there was physical abuse before that in itself would be a huge warning to maybe rethink this timeline. 4 months of not drinking IMO is not nearly enough if there was abuse in the past.

Decisions are hard, I too am really struggling with what is the best thing to do for my family at this point. We can only do our best, but we need to be educated, healed, and thinking clearly when we do.