banisheggshells

XAH recently started seeing kids again, after a long period where he didn't because he had a new, shiny enabler. She's dumped him. (sorry, had to be bitchy and include that LOL! She was obviously smarter than me to dump him so fast)

Anyhow, he's been pretty consistent with the schedule for a few months now, until this last week. He just cancelled on daughter's birthday, which means he won't see child for 3 weeks in a row.

When he cancelled, he told me the real reason. When I told her, I chickened out. I said he had to work. Which is a lie. He is going on vacation with friends.

During the divorce, I promised my kids that I wouldn't lie to them about anything, ever again (this is huge in our house, XAH lied to them, stole their allowance money, stole money and perscription drugs from their friends' parents, etc). However, at the moment I told her, I just couldn't. I just couldn't break her heart. I wasn't strong enough to do it. She was really really sad he cancelled and I think saying he choose friends over her, would have knocked her down even harder.

So, do I need to tell her? Its been 5 days since I told her the lie. She's over the whole "he cancelled" thing now - planning her party, having a good week. Do I bring it all back up?

Or do i just be honest next time? There will be a next time. Sure as Christmas comes in December.

kmkluvr1

Children are gifts from god and so precious, protect her as much as you can. She will se the truth about him in her own time and way. I always go by the idea not giving more info then is needed at the time. It is not a bad to tell a white lie to protect a little girls heart.

Tuffgirl

I had the same initial thought. I quit lying about their Dad when my kids hit the teen years. They know now that he supports his "other" kid and not them financially. They also know why I won't pursue support. They know they can after they turn 18.

But...I also told them their Dad loves them as best he can, which isn't very much to the rest of us but to him its all he's got. It is up to them to take it or leave it.

Anyway - you spared her feelings and didn't ruin her birthday with this selfish BS. Good for you - that was the right thing to do.

LaTeeDa

Well, you can't undo what is done, so this is not meant to be a criticism.

She will eventually find out the real reason and you will be the one caught in a lie. I have experienced exactly that, and I have resolved to never again be put in that position. I truly understand your desire to spare her feelings, but lying to cover for him is not the best approach, IMHO.

There may be a time when you feel the need to fess up to this lie, but maybe now isn't it. What I learned to do is to put the responsibility back where it belongs--on him. If he wants to cancel, break a promise, whatever, he has to tell them why. Then whatever he says is on him. If he chooses to lie, the lie is on him. If he tells the truth, the selfishness is on him. Either way, you don't have to take any of the responsibility for him being a jerk.

You didn't mention how old she is, but if she is old enough to understand, I would make him tell her from now on.

L

Florence

This is my method that I use with DS11, whose dad is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (which is like an addict without the drug abuse, joy!). I let him know the truth, we talk about the difficulty of the truth and DS's frustration, but it also allows him to enjoy what good times they have when they have them. And they do, every now and again. DS accepts that his dad is flawed and sees what he could do to improve his life, but has realistic expectations of what to expect.

I started telling him the 3Cs, too.

banisheggshells

Thank you all. In my gut, 2 days late, the doubt started. I felt like I was enabling him, by telling her this. As several of you pointed out, the lie can/will most likely get found out. She's almost old enough. My new boundary: if you are canceling, you are telling her via phone or in person.

It was also nice to see your responses that you would have done the same thing. She's at that in-between age. I still want to protect her, but we're about to the part where she's going to have to learn who he is and how he views her on her own.

Thank you SOOOO much!

LexieCat

Excellent idea, leaving it to him to make his excuses. It's sorta like when they want us to cover for them with the boss--call in sick or something. I don't think if they lie we need to rat them out (unless asked directly) but we sure don't need to be parties to the deception.

I think that's a great new boundary.

Ladybug0130

I think it's good to be honest, but to do so in a way that doesn't come off as bitter, like "your Dad would rather hang out with friends than celebrate your birthday!" I try to explain to my seven year old that his Dad loves him very much and knows what a wonderful boy he is but there is a problem with his brain that causes him to make bad decisions and drink too much (because he knows his Dad drinks, he has found hidden vodka). We hope he will get better someday, but we don't know if he will. My son seems to accept this explanation pretty well and doesn't seem too upset although of course he is not happy about it.

In fact, he knows his Dad is in the hospital right now (detox) and since he hasn't seen him in a month, he is looking forward to going to visit him along with his grandparents tomorrow. It seems like my son is accepting his Dad for what he is, in the best way anyone can.