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What do YOU do when someone is lying to you?

Old 05-25-2011, 08:31 PM
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What do YOU do when someone is lying to you?

Open thread, per Barb. She made me.

I was saying I have a hard time disconnecting (understatement) when I know someone is lying to me.

Do you confront liars? Let it go? Has a confrontation ever "worked"?
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:00 PM
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I'm known as the queen of confrontation
and it's odd
because I rarely confront anyone LOL.

I know what happens to me on the INSIDE
when I catch someone lying to me.

I close them out.
I never believe a word that comes out of their mouth
ever again.
Whether it's a cheracter defect or not
I could NOT be less concerned
because it's been a survival technique
that's saved me far more often
than it's hurt me.

I may forgive
but I never forget.

When someone in recovery lies to me
I know that the disease is still directing them
and not their courage.

It 'places' them somewhere in my head
or on my list
and I deal with them from that place.

Believe it or not -
I'm not comfortable with confrontation.
If I can stand up for what's right
thats another matter.
I'm a wolverine when it comes to that.
Or a snapping turtle.

When someone tells me a lie
I USUALLY just nod and dismiss them.
And that's it for them.

I'd like to hear how others do it as well.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:02 PM
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Not addicts/alcoholics who are active in their use. I detach.

With other people, sure.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:12 PM
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Depends on who is doing the lying. If just a casual friend or aquaintance, then it is enough for me to keep my wits about me and not get to comfy with them in future.

If however it is family, close friend or RABF, then it is a case of "excuse me, do I look as green as Shrek to you?" I face them with the lie and let them know that I am displeased. I also let them know that if it continues, then I close the door on them.

Saves hassle of trying to work out truth from Bull plop, or feel you are being had or turn into a detective.

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Old 05-25-2011, 09:30 PM
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I generally let people know that I know they're lying and leave it at that. Maybe it teaches them to be better liars, or maybe it teaches them to not lie to me. In couples counseling I had said at one point that I was going to call out my AW whenever she tried to lie to me, because trust cannot be built on a bed of lies. She understood what I was saying, but at the same time it doesn't really change an addict's behavior when they are actively drinking.
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:30 PM
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Trust is broken, my therapist told me I need to know myself so I can hang out with people who offer the same as I do... so now I know I am very honest, my sanity is kept hanging out with honest people. If its family or coworkers or whatever and I have to socialize with them for some reason, I talk about the weather. Simple...
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:46 PM
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If it's a coworker, acquaintance, etc. I usually just say "hmmm", but like Barb, I don't forget. With the A's in my life, I've confronted them. My stepmom has a heart of gold, I love her dearly, but she has stolen my medication and lied about it. I trust her with some things (she will keep a secret and take it to her grave) but as far as the medications I have to take? Locked up, key hidden, and she knows I will raise he!! if I catch her in my room.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:37 PM
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Apparently, I bide my time and 'confront' as gently as possible, stating the facts as I experienced them. Surprisingly enough, this had no effect at all on the truth my ABF experienced. And yet it took me years to learn to not rage and react! Sheesh. This interpersonal stuff is HARD.

The conversation actually went okay (we kind of agreed to hold on to our own versions), but as I was leaving, he said, 'If you don't trust me, you're going to be sad and lonely for the rest of your life!' Definitely baiting.

And because I'd thought about it, gone to a meeting, written here, and written out what trust means to me, I was able to fairly calmly come back with 'It's a two-way street. I trust people who are trustworthy.'

But wow, did I feel my blood pressure go up. I 'talked' at him in the car for about 5 minutes (you know, when the person isn't there, and you're just venting as you drive), but I decided my time was too valuable. I think I'll write some more about what trust looks like to me.

- Sylvie
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:48 PM
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If it is somebody that I judge not worth it to confront, then I don't. That goes for acquaintances and the like.

However, if it is someone important to me and plays a big part of my life (A or not) I definitely do confront them. I wonder how far confronting really took me in the case of the A though. Didn't really change anything ever, because he was still continuously lying up until the very end. Looking back on it I think the smarter thing to do would have just been to realize I was wasting my time even bothering to confront him or trying to have reasonable conversations about the lying with him. I think the more effective method would have just been to leave him.
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:52 PM
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I'm with Barb on this one... why bother confronting? But it gets filed in the "this person is a liar liar pants on fire" file which is never forgotten.

"Hhhmmmm" is such a great answer! It can mean ANYTHING from "wow you are an awesome person" to "you are really full of s**t, liar".
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:56 PM
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Anymore these days, I just say, OK.
It's my way of dismissing their lie without confrontation.
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I'm with Barb on this one... why bother confronting? But it gets filed in the "this person is a liar liar pants on fire" file which is never forgotten.

"Hhhmmmm" is such a great answer! It can mean ANYTHING from "wow you are an awesome person" to "you are really full of s**t, liar".
I like to file things away for future use as well. People who needs things spelled out for them with a dictionary on a silver platter are never really going to get it.

Although it's always nice seize the oppurtunity when you got them dead on.
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:54 AM
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class in session

Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Anymore these days, I just say, OK.
It's my way of dismissing their lie without confrontation.
Not enough time for debates, strained vocal cords and high bp.

As time goes on I think karma catches up to everyone. What goes around comes around and I hope I am there to see it.
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Old 05-26-2011, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
When someone in recovery lies to me
I know that the disease is still directing them
and not their courage.

It 'places' them somewhere in my head
or on my list
and I deal with them from that place.
For some A's, lying is part of the disease. My AH is one of these.

Before I read Al-Anon principles and materials, I'd confront him when I found the empty bottles. He'd only admit to drinking when I found physical evidence. (Then there was the, "That was from a long time ago" quack.) If I didn't have an empty bottle in my hand when confronting him, he'd lie about it.

For some A's, being abusive is part of the disease. My XAH was one of these. Abuse included blaming me for his drinking, making accusations at me when he was trying to cover up his drinking, doing his best, in public, to make me look subserviant to him.

Before Al-Anon, with my XAH (He's my ex husband and still alcoholic, as I've seen from his YouTube and Facebook accounts before I banned/blocked him before he could find me), I used to try and make sense to him, stand up for myself, calm him down (mostly so I could feel safer in the moment). He didn't hit my physically, but I sure felt the hits mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I struggled my way out of that marriage and am grateful to have gotten out.

Since becoming familiar with the concepts of Al-Anon with my AH, I have stopped confronting him. I don't look for bottles any more, although I sometimes come across them because he hasn't hidden them well. I no longer say anything about that. (He'd lie anyway, if I confronted him.)

And as I am taking care of myself and not judging him/confronting him over his disease, he has become more truthful with me, talking about his struggles. He's been doing AA meetings every night except for three, in the past 2 months. He is not abusive; when he is detoxing, he sometimes gets a little snippy, more argumentative than normal, so I just remove myself from his presence rather than trying to reason with him, which hasn't worked when he's detoxing anyway.
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Old 05-26-2011, 05:01 AM
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Oh, I confront every time. I'm working on this, though, because I don't think confronting is productive, and it usually just makes me angry!
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:21 AM
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But wow, did I feel my blood pressure go up. I 'talked' at him in the car for about 5 minutes (you know, when the person isn't there, and you're just venting as you drive), but I decided my time was too valuable.
Sylvie, are we twins? I'm a serious telling-you-off-in-the-shower-and-or-car person with BP through the roof!

I want to learn how to play my cards right ("Florence, you don't have to tell everyone everything you know all the time.") and figure out how to use this information for my own mental health benefits -- evaluating the situation and my use of mental and emotional energy -- instead of getting tied up in the dramatics of discovery, betrayal, and so-called resolution with a lying liar.
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:40 AM
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For years I'd confront AH. Like a crazy person at times-- waving "evidence" around, crying, pleading, begging, trying to "explain" to him why honesty was important to a marriage. I could NOT if my life depended on it, walk away and "let him get away with it". I did not want to let him think I was a fool who he could lie to.

All I showed him is that I was a fool.

I still have the emotional response internally at times to want to do all the above. I don't feel peace or happy when I am lied to. But in the recent past when I have on occassion confronted him with "evidence" it's been matter of factly. Guess I still want to let him know he's not conning me and that's a part of it-- but more of it is that I am scared of him drinking when he's with our D's and I want him to know I know he's done it and think that he'll care enough about their well being to stop if confronted.

Clearly I have a long way to go.

I'm just being brutally honest in answering this question...
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:44 AM
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For years I'd confront AH. Like a crazy person at times-- waving "evidence" around, crying, pleading, begging, trying to "explain" to him why honesty was important to a marriage. I could NOT if my life depended on it, walk away and "let him get away with it". I did not want to let him think I was a fool who he could lie to.

All I showed him is that I was a fool.
This really speaks to me this morning. Thank you.

I had a conversation with the "R"AH last night that included me setting a baseline (A BASELINE!) for our relationship at Honesty, Respect, and Sobriety. I can't believe I'm actually having these conversations.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I had a conversation with the "R"AH last night that included me setting a baseline (A BASELINE!) for our relationship at Honesty, Respect, and Sobriety. I can't believe I'm actually having these conversations.
God, the number of those same talks I had with AH. I mean how freaking low can the bar be set, right? ALL I asked him for at the end was honesty and that was "too demanding" and me "asking for perfection".

When you're being told "you expect perfection and in AA they say progress not perfection-- everything in life isn't black and white" and the reality is that you are simply asking to not be lied to constantly, you know it is time to get the hell out of crazytown.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:08 AM
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Oh gosh...I don't even know how many times I had the stupid honesty conversation. It just does NOT get through their heads. Like really, is it that difficult?!

The funny thing is XABF would say "I'm too scared to talk to you". Well, hello, if you just told the truth and stopped lying I wouldn't ever have reason to be mad!

Blegh. Sorry I had to vent. They are just so irritating.
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