What do YOU do when someone is lying to you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
My question is why they lie about such stupid stuff? When sometimes it's just better to fess up. Say - yes, I f*cked up today and had a drink. Is it that hard? I can support him with the addiction. What I can't support is him thinking that I am too dumb to smell it on his breath.
Is saying "I just had a beer" (lol, a non-alcoholic one at that) the same as someone being on a diet and saying "I just had one cookie", when they really ate a whole cheesecake?
Just sayin.............
Is saying "I just had a beer" (lol, a non-alcoholic one at that) the same as someone being on a diet and saying "I just had one cookie", when they really ate a whole cheesecake?
Just sayin.............
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Depends
Co-workers, folks I"m not close with: take note and stay away
Cheating AH: had a mental breakdown, found Al-anon, detached, got a life
Legislators and Public Officials: publish them
Co-workers, folks I"m not close with: take note and stay away
Cheating AH: had a mental breakdown, found Al-anon, detached, got a life
Legislators and Public Officials: publish them
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I can really relate Just4me on what you had to say about your husband not being able to follow after you. I think when they come to the end stages of alcoholism it isn't even lying any more I really think their brain is so destroyed that they don't know what is true and what isn't true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by worndown 
Here's a question to go along with this.
If you choose NOT to confront the lying alcoholic - Do they just think they're getting away with all the lies they tell?
I ask because I'm constantly confronting my lying husband about his lies. He gets caught more often than not. You'd think they'd (he'd) learn his lesson about lying to me............Wouldn'tYa?
If you choose NOT to confront the lying alcoholic - Do they just think they're getting away with all the lies they tell?
I ask because I'm constantly confronting my lying husband about his lies. He gets caught more often than not. You'd think they'd (he'd) learn his lesson about lying to me............Wouldn'tYa?
I worried about this for a long time. I was judge, jury, and executioner, and by gosh my AH was not going to get away with his lies if I could help it. Now I am learning about different and probably better questions for me: Why is it so important to me to prove that he is lying? What difference does it truly make to me if I show him I know he is lying? It's hard, but then butting heads over competing realities between a codie and an alcoholic is starting to seem a little more pointless than it used to!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 63
I agree with Jenny69. When I point out that I know he's lying I'm not looking for him to agree with me. If I waited for that it would be the 4 hour circular conversation that would still end without a confession. I just point out the evidence so HE knows that I know the truth. I know he lying, I've shown him I know, then I walk away. Sometimes he doesn't remember and in the morning asks me, "where did all these bottles come from?". I don't throw them away anymore, just leave them out of their hiding spots.
When he sobers up, he knows he drank, he does feel bad about it, but he can't stop the cycle. He knows I know the truth too. To me, that's enough.
When he sobers up, he knows he drank, he does feel bad about it, but he can't stop the cycle. He knows I know the truth too. To me, that's enough.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Originally Posted by worndown
He gets caught more often than not. You'd think they'd (he'd) learn his lesson about lying to me............Wouldn'tYa?
I read a quote the other day that went something like this: "Until you are able to confront that which is ugly about what you do, you will learn nothing from your mistakes." And I thought to myself, OK, yeah, I'll go with that.
I've never been able to really get rid of any destructive behavior until I've totally admitted to myself that I'm doing something wrong to begin with... which is tough, and I'm not an addict. Based on my own experience and what I've read here, that seems to be even more difficult step for alcoholics to take than the general population.
That's part of why I lean away from confronting lies, generally. The person lying already knows that they're full of it, at some level-- they don't need me to point it out. They'll either learn honesty, or not, in their own time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
A good question to ask yourself in the midst of catching someone in a lie or being baited into an argument...
"do I want peace or do I want to be right?"
Another way this has been said:
"the first few times we make the choice to be peaceful rather than right, it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice."
"do I want peace or do I want to be right?"
Another way this has been said:
"the first few times we make the choice to be peaceful rather than right, it feels like denial. But with practice it will become the preferred choice."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
After years of confronting people who "should" be confronted (I was the arbiter of all that is right, and all that is wrong), I no longer do so.
Step one is to remove them from my life. Step two if step one is not yet possible is to accept they are liars and make all decisions based on that going forward. Step three is to remove them from my life as quickly as possible.
Cyranoak
P.s. The biggest liar I know is my daughter. She is constitutionally unable to tell truth. Makes it easy to deal with her though.
Step one is to remove them from my life. Step two if step one is not yet possible is to accept they are liars and make all decisions based on that going forward. Step three is to remove them from my life as quickly as possible.
Cyranoak
P.s. The biggest liar I know is my daughter. She is constitutionally unable to tell truth. Makes it easy to deal with her though.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Ahh, the subject so relevant to me right now!
You know, I used to be a liar myself (at 15-18). I lied because I felt deep down that if people REALLY knew who I was they would hate me.
It made me feel all mixed up and guilty inside and they flew out of me before I could notice them.
Finally, I worked through all that and am darn right over-honest now!
My rule is, if you feel uncomfortable about it, say it right away!
It keeps the lies away; that's for sure.
When my XAH lied to me at first, I doubted he was lying. I doubted myself. I worried. I wondered.
Then I found out. And I confronted.
I accepted his tears and believed it would be 'different'.
Then I worried and wondered and doubted myself.
The problem was, often it would SEEM he was lying...but I couldn't PROVE it. He would deny it. I'd have to choose between believing him, or realizing my marriage was pretty jacked up.
I chose him for a few years.
Finally, when I realized he was lying and hiding again, I was pretty much done.
I fought it, but eventually realized HE CAN NOT BE TRUSTED.
He just can't.
So trying to get him to admit (or even REMEMBER...he'd insist he didn't remember - geez, Louise!) the truth...forget it.
So, then there is no more to do or discuss.
We're done.
And I divorced.
No thanks to lies and deciet. Not my cup o' tea.
You know, I used to be a liar myself (at 15-18). I lied because I felt deep down that if people REALLY knew who I was they would hate me.
It made me feel all mixed up and guilty inside and they flew out of me before I could notice them.
Finally, I worked through all that and am darn right over-honest now!
My rule is, if you feel uncomfortable about it, say it right away!
It keeps the lies away; that's for sure.
When my XAH lied to me at first, I doubted he was lying. I doubted myself. I worried. I wondered.
Then I found out. And I confronted.
I accepted his tears and believed it would be 'different'.
Then I worried and wondered and doubted myself.
The problem was, often it would SEEM he was lying...but I couldn't PROVE it. He would deny it. I'd have to choose between believing him, or realizing my marriage was pretty jacked up.
I chose him for a few years.
Finally, when I realized he was lying and hiding again, I was pretty much done.
I fought it, but eventually realized HE CAN NOT BE TRUSTED.
He just can't.
So trying to get him to admit (or even REMEMBER...he'd insist he didn't remember - geez, Louise!) the truth...forget it.
So, then there is no more to do or discuss.
We're done.
And I divorced.
No thanks to lies and deciet. Not my cup o' tea.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Woodbridge, NJ
Posts: 36
Eventually I just stopped asking questions. I realized he might lie, or might not, but because I wouldn't know which was the case, what was the point in asking? I knew what I knew, what I could see and feel in my gut, and that's all I needed to know.
Besides, if you guys are going through some of the nonsense I did - and I know you are, or have - he had a lot of reasons to think I was an idiot. Believing his lies was not at the top of the list.
Besides, if you guys are going through some of the nonsense I did - and I know you are, or have - he had a lot of reasons to think I was an idiot. Believing his lies was not at the top of the list.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 16
It does (did) matter to me.
I'll be damned if he's going to GET AWAY WITH IT.....is (sometimes)/was my attitude.
Because of our upbringing I know there's a very moral, decent, truthful man in there somewhere. Guess I'm hoping for the A-Ha moment.
I don't do it as often as I used to - but I'd ask questions on purpose when I knew the answer & figured he'd lie about it. He's been caught so many times in that I just don't get WHY.
Not to threadjack - but We've had 3 awesome weeks.
I'll be damned if he's going to GET AWAY WITH IT.....is (sometimes)/was my attitude.
Because of our upbringing I know there's a very moral, decent, truthful man in there somewhere. Guess I'm hoping for the A-Ha moment.
I don't do it as often as I used to - but I'd ask questions on purpose when I knew the answer & figured he'd lie about it. He's been caught so many times in that I just don't get WHY.
Not to threadjack - but We've had 3 awesome weeks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Moral, decent, truthful men...
...are moral, decent, and truthful and consistant in their actions and words. What you see is what you get.
Cyranoak
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by worndown
It does (did) matter to me.
I'll be damned if he's going to GET AWAY WITH IT.....is (sometimes)/was my attitude.
Because of our upbringing I know there's a very moral, decent, truthful man in there somewhere. Guess I'm hoping for the A-Ha moment.
I don't do it as often as I used to - but I'd ask questions on purpose when I knew the answer & figured he'd lie about it. He's been caught so many times in that I just don't get WHY.
Not to threadjack - but We've had 3 awesome weeks.
I'll be damned if he's going to GET AWAY WITH IT.....is (sometimes)/was my attitude.
Because of our upbringing I know there's a very moral, decent, truthful man in there somewhere. Guess I'm hoping for the A-Ha moment.
I don't do it as often as I used to - but I'd ask questions on purpose when I knew the answer & figured he'd lie about it. He's been caught so many times in that I just don't get WHY.
Not to threadjack - but We've had 3 awesome weeks.
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