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Lack of affection toward RAH

Old 05-25-2011, 07:16 PM
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Lack of affection toward RAH

I have no want to be physical with RAH right now. Many reasons for this, most of which I am sure are apparent.

He doesn't understand why I am not into any of it though. Anyone been able to successfully explain this to a significant other? No physicalness doesn't mean I don't love him. I just need the feeling of trust there in order to make the physical aspect work.

Any advice?
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:20 PM
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Not really, just letting you know ti's normal.

You give and give and give
and it has to stop somewhere, right?

Well, this is where its' stopped.

Sex is an act of trust.
you haven't any any more.
That just can't be written off
like it didn't happen.

A whole NEW trust has to be established.

And lots of times,
sex in troubled relationships
is just another act of ownership.
Of control.
Of getting what *I* want
at your expense kind of game playing.

We balk at that as well.

And it's normal.

So don't let him tell you it isn't.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with YOU
for not wanting intimacy
with someone you can't trust
or may not respect right now.

You have the right to say no.
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:33 PM
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with YOU
for not wanting intimacy
with someone you can't trust
or may not respect right now.

You have the right to say no.
This bears repeating.

You have the RIGHT to say no. And I say you have the OBLIGATION to care for yourself. If the answer is no, it's no. No hard feelings, not for lack of care for your H be he "R" or "A" or "X", but because you just aren't there right now. That's okay.
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:47 PM
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It is absolutely understandable to not want to be affectionate with your RAH right now. Perhaps marriage counseling can help you and RAH right now if you all aren't already in it? Just so you can both get a better understanding. (((((Hugs))))))
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:45 PM
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I formally declared (yes, I sat up and made an actual announcement one night) that there would be a moratorium on sex until we figured out what the hell was going on with our relationship. Sort of like the UN declares sanctions. I was just so tired of the drunken groping that I wanted to be perfectly clear. He got it. He didn't like it, but he did respect it.

I, of course, had enough power in the relationship to just do that. It felt sort of weird, but right at the same time. And I actually used the word "moratorium." I don't think I'd ever used it before, or since, for that matter, but it fit. Perfectly.

I also didn't bother to explain it. Just made the statement. But then again, we were on more equal footing than most alcoholic relationships. Your mileage may vary. He ended up going to rehab again, and then I didn't let him come home, so it didn't have to last for long. It certainly helped my peace of mind, though.
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