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not sure how this works...

Old 05-25-2011, 07:27 PM
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not sure how this works...

so the husband has being seeing this therapist for a little while...like a month or so...friday i'm supposed to go with him to see her. i have no idea what to expect.

i'm kinda worried i'll get ganged up on....what i'd like to happen is i get to talk about some of my issues with him and his behavior so they both understand how i feel.... then talk (or listen) about his plan for better himself/dealing with his problems etc.

i don't want to go in and have them both coming at me about what i need to do and what my problems are or how i've hurt him or messed up crap blah blah blah.

that sounds bad maybe...and i'm not unwilling to make changes to myself and whatnot..but i just don't want that to be what this therapy thing is about.

so what do u thinks gonna happen... anybody been through one of these things?

also i don't have any proof he's drinking but 3 weeks ago he spent $60 at a 7eleven...he smokes a carton of cigs a week but surely they aren't that expensive right? i really have no idea....
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:35 PM
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My experience- and it is just that, my experience, not an indication of what others' experiences will be like was that I WAS ganged up on. I went in wanting to collaborate, cooperate, problem solve and it turned into the T saying "AH why don't you tell WTBH the things that are really difficult that cause you to lie"... When I finally got defensive and said, hold on, his T laid into me. Long story short, she was fired bc her supervisor THANK GOD was my T who was there as well (it was supposed to be a joint session but was coordinated by his T) and after about 30 min of this nonsense my T ended the session, and after a period of "clinical review" AH's T was canned.

So, I am a bit gun shy but I tend to think that unless his T is well versed in addiction and knows to not believe the A's version of reality, you may well be walking into a bashing session.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
So, I am a bit gun shy but I tend to think that unless his T is well versed in addiction and knows to not believe the A's version of reality, you may well be walking into a bashing session.
yeahhh she's apparently fresh outta school...actually just finishing up her masters so that why i'm kinda concerned. my mom totally got ganged up on when she was trying to go to therapy with my dad too.

i'm seriously considering NOT going...but i wanna know what this chick is saying so i can talk him into going to someone more experienced if she's clueless (he's already said she doesn't seem to understand what having two kids is like. she got on his case about how WE both need to make more time for our friends and get out more....uhm...two kids under 4, work,school etc....hello not an option.)
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:01 PM
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Totally depends on the therapist. Some of them can enable worse than anyone. OTOH, the good ones can be very helpful.

If you ARE ganged up on (and try to be objective and not assume that you will be), you can leave.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:04 PM
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In my personal experience it was just to make sure everyone was on the same page regarding RAH. I thought it would be a gang up on me thing, but it wasn't. Can you call the therapist before the meeting? I did to ask her about her intent and that helped me feel much more settled.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:05 PM
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A carton of smoke often costs MORE than 60$.

And the door won't be locked.
You can walk out.

If you don't feel ready to go = don't go.

You have permission to do that as well.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:16 PM
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hmm i didn't think about calling her before hand...thats a great idea i think i'll do that in the morning. thanks!

also, MORE than $60?! good lord...he spends more a week on cancer then food. seriously. well i'm glad that what he said he spent it on was probably the truth then tho.

i swear i'm trying not to be paraniod about EVERYTHING haha but its so immpossible. i've started reading again to distract myself. its for real helped alot.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
A carton of smoke often costs MORE than 60$.

And the door won't be locked.
You can walk out.

If you don't feel ready to go = don't go.

You have permission to do that as well.
I second all of this. Couldn't say it better myself.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:34 PM
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Yes, some cartons of cigs can definitely be that or more. Hubby and I both smoke but our cartons only cost about 20 bucks if we go into Missouri to buy them (when and if we can afford them..lol)..I notice you are on the east coast though, so I am sure they are more expensive there.

I have been with my husband to a T before and it turns out that the T was completely horrible to my husband. The T put ME on a pedestal and told my hubs that if he wants to keep me he will get his crap together..needless to say my hubby refused to go back. It does depend on the T. If you don't wanna go, then by all means don't. BUT if you do go and feel uncomfortable, then get up and walk out the door. You don't have to put up with anything you don't want to put up with.

Good luck!!
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:39 PM
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I just had a session with my "R"AH's therapist, and it was basically a "what do we need to do to be able to live together right now" session. It was good, and she actually validated my boundaries to him and reiterated how important it is that we problem-solve together and not enable each other.

She's experienced, she collaborates with my therapist to some degree, and her specialty is addiction. He problem, which we've run into before with RAH, is that all of her patients are court-ordered, so when RAH walks in there willingly they don't know what to do with him.

I've also had terrible therapists who left me worse off than before, so if I were you I'd call ahead and find out what the purpose of the meeting is, and what she'd like you to come prepared to talk about. She might be able to help you guys come to some compromises about living, financials, boundaries, etc., or she might have you there to be "taking the temperature" of the relationship, including gauging whether the alcoholic patient is being 100% with her.

Let us know how it goes!
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Old 05-26-2011, 04:11 PM
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Welllll now my husband can't go because he has to work so i'm going by myself. i feel much better about it too....now i can talk to her alone then next week we can do the together thing and i think we'll all be a little better prepared (well maybe not my husband but oh well. haha).
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