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i lost myself somewhere

Old 05-25-2011, 06:28 AM
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i lost myself somewhere

my AH finally went to a detox. he spent 5 days there and 8 weeks at a program. he's been 2 months sober now. he is a totally different person. i come from work stress free. great feeling. then why do i not feel so great? i have depression, anxiety and fatigue. is it possible that all the horrible things i went through with him while he as drinking could be the reason i am feeling this way now?

sometimes i am just so confused about all of this. is he feeling different towards me? he never wants to make love and we rarely do anything together anymore. he never really did like it when i wanted to talk "deep" so i hesitate to share my feelings with him now.... but how can i get him to open up and share what he's going through? i think that is what's missing. i wanted so much to understand this disease from his perspecitve. i love that he's sober but i'm not sure if its making him happier being with me. this may sound silly....i am an attractive woman but maybe i was just more appealing when he drank.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:45 AM
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don't put yourself under all this stress, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. From the perspective of a recovering alcoholic i think your husband is going through some massive emotional and physical changes so you need to be patient for a while with him. I would definitely suggest you to read the chapter of the big book dedicated to the family afterwards. Lots of good advice in here too. Be patient but don't put the issue off for too long, you have your needs after all too, so do approach him about it.
If you have feelings of resentments towards him, maybe try going to an al anon meeting?
Best of luck x
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:50 AM
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no, i have no resentment. things are just different now and i guess like you said, i need to just be patient. i know he's going through a lot. i couldn't be more proud of him. i just i'm just feeling a little down.... plus he told me after his dr's appt yesterday that he has not one but two blood diseases. i asked him to explain to me....but he just said "it is what it is" and didn't want to share any more than that. i will always stick by his side but i need to know what's going on inside of him....
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:11 AM
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I agree--early sobriety is tough on both partners. Everything is sort of in upheaval. It will settle down, if recovery continues.

I wonder, though--does he mean two "blood diseases" or a couple of abnormal results on blood tests? I think you should talk to him, because some "blood diseases" are communicable--Hepatitis, for example. If he has abnormal blood test results, without any communicable disease, that can improve with not drinking, depending on the cause.

I think you do need to know what his results showed, for your own safety and well-being.
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Old 05-25-2011, 08:49 AM
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Are you working a recovery program of your own? If not, I highly recommend it. Alanon works for me.

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Old 05-25-2011, 11:05 AM
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Here's what I got out of your post...

I see alot of focus on him, and what you think he should be doing in the relationship, and in his recovery. You aren't satisfied with how he's handling sobriety, he's still not the person you want him to be. I see quite often on here, people wishing and hoping that their SO would just stop drinking or using, and once they do things aren't perfect and they don't understand why.

You will never understand the disease from his perspective. You are not an addict. As far as "getting him to open up", if he wasn't into deep conversations about feelings and stuff before, why would he suddenly be into them now?

I highly recommend Alanon. His recovery and how he's handling it is his business. Obviously, if he's putting your health in danger by having communicable diseases, then that IS your business. But otherwise, your energy would be better used on yourself, and how you can recover from the affects of living with another's alcoholism, instead of trying to figure out what's going on with him.

My two cents.
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:10 AM
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IMHO you don't need to tiptoe around your feelings to protect his. He's in early recovery and so are you and his needs are no more or less important than yours. I know what you mean about being worried to bring things up, but in a relationship that's something that needs to happen. And again, just IMHO, you aren't giving him the opportunity to hopefully use the tools he got out of rehab if he is living in an insulated world where no one says anything to him that he might possibly not like. If he is not ready or able to live life on life's terms that isn't your fault and perhaps you are worried about rocking the boat since you see him being sober and are worried that if you ask for too much he might fall off the wagon? That's on him, not you.

Sorry things are not as good as you wish they were. It is really hard to live with a spouse who feels distant and really isn't there in the ways we wish they were.
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:17 PM
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We all have issues. Maybe your focus on his alcoholism was a way for you to avoid working your own problems... now that you have the free head space this is a great time for you to work on you.
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Old 05-25-2011, 02:14 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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*agreeing* with most everything said here already.

I hope you'll find a group in your area.
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