At that point.

Old 05-24-2011, 09:55 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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At that point.

First off Hi to everybody.

I think I'm at that point in this.
the point where I need to stop sitting back and accepting that AW will get there in the end in her own time at her own pace.

I came to that conclusion after fights that happened the last two nights in a row.
the first one was because I flipped eggs when I made her eggs on bread for a snack.

how dare I flip eggs and then claim that they are sunny side up.

last night it was that I didn't shake the covers on the bed, after working full time cooking dinner doing dishes and finding time to study in the mean time as well.

my situation is that I have kids from previous relationships and they stay with us every second f/night. I make sure that I am the one that does as much as possible when they are around. she gets to sleep in, every day.
i get 2 sleep ins a fortnight if I am lucky.

I'm over feeling like no matter what I do it isn't enough.

I've seen some of you refer to detaching. I want to learn that so I don't get so upset when fights happen for stupid reasons.

I want her to be sober
for a start 1 day a week would be good for me.
heck one day a month would be a good start.

but when I opened the fridge last night and saw 10 litres of cask wine my heart dropped.
Yes she has been to detox.

we have spoken about her going to rehab.

but I'm also getting to the point where i don't find much point talking any more.
because most of the time its forgotten about the next day.

we have had the same argument several times before purely because she didn't know why we had a fight. so I told her and that started it up again.

I want to be able to enjoy a drink myself and not feel guilty for it.
i want to be able to have friends over and not worry about her getting out of control.
I want to kiss her and not taste that disgusting taste or smell it either.

I want us to get through this.

any help would be useful..

I'm sorry if this is all over the place but that's how it comes out at times. lol
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:33 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Welcome, Sharkbait. I'm no expert, but many on this forum are and will have wisdom and experience to share.

My experience is simply that I had to decide what I wanted the rest of my life to look like, and what I was willing for my children to see. My AH's unwillingness to see he has a problem, combined with infidelity and overspending on "entertainment" made my decision clear, if not easy. And what to do with MY life is all I can control.

He has been my XAH for 10 months, and my children and I have never been more relaxed. It was a difficult road getting here, but worth it.

I wish you luck and strength, whatever your road turns out to be. Living with an A is damaging to the whole family. As you wait for others to join in, take a look at the links at the top of the forum. They opened my eyes and educated me.

So sorry you are in this situation. You have come to the right place to think through your options and benefit from many many years of experience. Best to you and your family.
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Old 05-24-2011, 11:23 PM
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Thank you NewChapter, I know I need support and help to get through this.

until this I had never had anything to do with alcoholics.
I lived by my rules to avoid it and to make sure that I NEVER became one.
Simple things like never drinking before lunch no matter what. and never drinking alone to name a few.

But I also used to think it was just another addiction like smoking. but I realise now that it is nothing like smoking or chewing your nails.

after all you don't become someone else with a habit until you try to quit.
with drinking you don't become yourself until you quit.
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:37 AM
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same planet...different world
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Hi sharkbait and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry for the reason, but I'm glad you've found us.

I hope we can offer the kind of support you're needing
to make the decisions you are facing right now.

I hope you'll seek support in real life as well.
WHen theres' little children involved
it's hard to keep up with everything
when everything is going well
much less when there's alcoholism thrown in.

3-d support
would give you a place to be
when you can't handle what's happening
under your own roof.

It's a place to sort out what's going on
in your head...
even when it's all over the place.

I think this is a great place
for new members to educate
themselves about alcoholism
because trust me
it's nothing like biting nails
or even smoking or chocolate.

each addiction is different
even though they may scientifically occur
in the same area of the brain.

and not a single one
can be dropped easily.

Take your time and meet and greet
and read the stikies at the top of the page
and maybe find a meeting near you
to check Alanon or find a support group

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Old 05-26-2011, 08:03 PM
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Thank you barb.

i just got off the phone to alcohol support in my area, you know its bad when the operator asks how you are going and you dont know what to say or do except try to hold back the tears.

when she can go from blissfully in love to being afraid of a stalker to being completely argumentative in 5 minutes.

I'm trying to detach, we had another fight last night where i got called a bad father because i don't do anything around the house before my kids arrive for visitation weekend.

i was doing so well to detach till then, i have spent so many years beating myself up for not being a good father, even tho i am a good father i used always thought that i should be doing more for them.

when she called me a bad father i couldnt detach anymore.
i got accused of doing nothign around the house.
i tried to keep my voice calm and quiet but its not easy.
she made these points about how bad i am.
then the kicker was when i said that i keep the kids away from the door to play quietly while she sleeps in the mornings, and how they shouldnt feel that way because its their home and they should be comfortable.

then it was "how is it their home, they are only here 2 nights a fortnight"
that was when i wouldnt let her put me down so much.
"shouldnt they be comfortable and loved here?"
"shouldnt they feel that this is their home?"
"so if they should feel that way then how is this not their home"
then i stood my ground on not doing anything around the house.
things like i make sure there is food in the house, that dishes are done that i get lunch for work that the washing gets done. that we both have what we need that bills are paid when they are in my control.

i was proud of myself for standing my ground and not letting her push me around.
then silence.
"you're mean" is what she said.
i didnt take the bait i was over it i said what i needed to say and told her im not prolonging the aurgument.

im starting to set limits for myself.

I told her that the alcohol needs to stop.
which of course brought the responce." so the only reason we are fighting is because im drunk" (paraphrase)

no but i know it has a great deal to do with it.


this needs to stop,

im over being asked the same question 5 times in 10 minutes.
im over her not being able to remember our first kiss but know with absolution word for word what i said (true or not she KNOWS) to suit her.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:17 PM
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Welcome Shark. Buckle your seat belt because you are full-fledged on the roller coaster ride of addiction. No wonder you feel "all over the place". it is what it does to those of us standing on the sidelines watching it happen.

You'll find all kinds of support here and face-to-face at Al-Anon. You'll learn that you didn't cause this, can't control it, and can't cure it. You'll learn to detach, in a way that works for you.

But it is a painful journey. You are not alone with your feelings. You describe arguments we've all experienced. I am very sorry for that. It sucks.

Start reading about alcoholism and addiction. It helps to educate yourself so you can make good decisions about your situation. Keep coming back.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:52 PM
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Good for you for standing your ground!

I would like to say that there's no sense arguing with an alcoholic in the hope of making them understand, and especially not if you're trying to make her agree with you. They'll twist logic until they collapse into an alcohol-induced stupor, then start it up again when they come out of it.

If, on the other hand, you are doing it to make you feel better, with no expectations as to her reactions, then keep it up, and great job!

I second Tuffgirl's post, as well. It is difficult - but you're in good company!
Learn as much as you can, and work on yourself and your own health (and those of your children). Our tendency is to make the world revolve around the alcoholic; it takes practice to realize that we need to keep living our own lives and maintaining our own health before worrying about what the alcoholic is up to - otherwise there's nothing left for us, the alcoholism takes it all.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:04 PM
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Sharkbait, I so agree with Tuffgirl. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. A's have to deflect blame onto us---otherwise they'd have to look in the mirror---and they just can't do that. And those who are closest to us, our spouses, for example, know just where to throw those darts so they hurt the most. I heard about the terrible wife and mother I've been, that he never loved me, that I caused him to start smoking, that he drinks because I am nothing to come home to, that I caused him to lose his job (because of an affair! How'd I do that?!?), and on and on and on. My point is that it is SO difficult to walk away from that quacking but SO necessary that you do. Arguing doesn't work because they can't hear it. And you already know how SURE of themselves they can be!

But the more I walked away, the easier it became. I left him swaying in the kitchen more than once with a stupid "what just happened?" look on his face, when he was hoping for a fight.

Sending good thoughts your way, Sharkbait. We've been there and are still here to tell about it! so let us know how you're doing.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:13 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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Thank you everyone for the support.
it has made it that bit easier.

just to put you guys at ease i wasn't arguing to prove a point to her, other than im not gonna sit here and take it.

I was doing it to prove a point to myself.

I knew I would get no such thing as logic and reasoning.

I've always seen myself as a strong person and now that is being tested and im not going to let myself get weak.

i'm going to be changing for the better because of this. its her choice if she wants to do the same.
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Old 05-27-2011, 06:27 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sharkbait View Post
I'm going to be changing for the better because of this. Its her choice if she wants to do the same.
Now that's awesome!
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Old 05-29-2011, 07:57 PM
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Well so far a couple of days have gone past with me trying this new me first attutude.
I like whats happening.
Im not there all the way so i cant detach as much as I should.
but i told her that im not going to enable anymore.
if she wants alcohol she has to buy it if she wants a drink she has to get it.

she asked me to get her one last night, i almost said ok, but instead i said simply that you can get it and she did.

i will say that i think she is possibly at the point of doing something about it on her own, she is feeling down and sad alot more, i try not to make her feel better but that is the hardest part.

I know I slip on that occasionally but i can see that it is really starting to get to her, i can see that she is wanting to make the change, to make the call to get help, because she has asked several times to use my phone to call for a detox program. the most ive said is yeah you can use my phone. then dont touch the topic, if she wants to make the call then she can.

i was tempted to make the call and hand the phone over but.
I Didn't cause it.
I did speak to the alcoholics people here andthey suggested i get her to call them but.
I cant control it.
I felt like saying to her she needs to make the call but.
I can't cure it.

everytime i feel that i should possibly do something i remind myslef that its not my place and its not my choice. its hers.

the only regret that i have is at the moment she seems to be drinking more and each night she goes to bed there is the usual symphony of things falling as she knocks them down,
normally i would call out to checke everything was alright. but if its not then she needs to deal with the affects of what she does.
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Old 05-29-2011, 08:12 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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It looks as if you have made great steps in your own recovery in just a few days. Beware of her appearing to want to make a change. Could just be her dancing with you and your mind. Hopefully she is getting to the point where she is done being drunk and unhappy and if that is the case you will see her take major steps in that direction all on her own. Meanwhile focus on you. Determine what your boundaries are and keep learning all you can on alcoholism and being a codie.
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Old 05-29-2011, 08:19 PM
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Hi Sharkbait and welcome to SR

Detaching is a really useful thing to do, it helps us protect ourselves from the firing line and deflect. Al-anon is a great programme to learn the art of detaching.

At some point we discover that we have no control over our alcoholics, so there is nothing that we can do to help our alcoholics, they have to want it for themselves. The only thing that we do have control over is ourselves and that is where we can make changes.

What you have been doing for quite a while now hasnt been working (as you found your way here) and at a resonable guess, I bet your situation has just gotten worse. A favourite saying of mine is nothing changes if nothing changes.

Sometimes when we change, our alcoholics pick up on these subtle patterns. I am guessing (again) that their anxiety levels rise as something that keeps their status quo surrounding their drinking habits is changing. Perhaps they are fearful that they will be left on their own. This can be enough to bring about a change within some alcoholics and they will seek recovery for themselves.

Personally, my own AH of 23 yrs told me that he was going to carry on drinking alcohol and if I didnt like it I could leave. I have since spent a year of practising detachment but it didnt work for me. I still felt disrespected and abused, so I gave my AH one more opportunity to stop drinking and then took AH up on his offer for me to leave.

For me, it is like a huge weight/burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I will longer have to live my own life in fear because thats what it has felt like to me.

Please keep reading on SR, there is plenty to wade through. 'A Merry Go Round Named Denial' is one of my favourites. Things will hopefully improve for you now that you have reached out, so glad you found us.
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Old 05-30-2011, 08:07 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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Good morning, Sharkbait,

It sounds to me like you're learning one of the coping skills that got me through some tough times: Let them argue with themselves! Yes, that's right, not engaging in some senseless argument sure got me on the path to sanity.

You will learn some more detachment skills as time goes on and with some reading and attendance to Al-anon, which I wholeheartedly recommend.

Remember, there are Al-anon meetings all over the place, from different perspectives. Find one that fits for you, and you will shine.

Hang in there, and keep posting!
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Old 05-30-2011, 10:42 AM
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Ever been presented with the Al-Anon Bill of Rights? (unofficial) It's amazing how many of these we codependents deny ourselves, until we get clarity and get healthy!

1. I have the right to ask for what I want

2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.

3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.

7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.

8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.

9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings or problems

10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.

11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.

12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.

13. I have the right to feel scared and say ‘I’m afraid.”

14. I have the right to say ‘I don’t know’.

15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.

16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.

17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.

19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.

20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.

21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.

22. I have the right to change and grow.

23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others

24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect

25. I have the right to be happy.
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Old 05-31-2011, 11:52 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Still getting there and thank you so much to everyone at SR it really has helped me drastically.

however had a curve ball thrown in the mix.
Her ex,
Violent, Abusive. Previous history of restraining orders and stalking.

well he cam back into the picture and while I was at work made three visits to the house when I was at work.
He didn't come in the house and didn't speak to AW however it was enough to freak her out beyond all belief and she didnt feel safe doing anything without me.

but i stayed to my guns. I told her before that i wasnt going to be buying her wine anymore and i stuck to it.
I had to return a DVD so she came with me to get her wine.

I know that its still enabling to an extent but compared to what it was i can live with it.

Obviously it has made it hard for me to detach from the situation a bit but i am still doing what I can.

She once again said that she needs help and wanted to borrow my phone to make the call. same thing yep that's fine. but I knew it wouldn't get done. but i know it will when she wants to do it, so i guess the good that has come out of this is that she seems to be closer to making the call.

i dont know.

but i do have a copy of codependant no more coming my way when the library gets it in.
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