fedup3

The last time I posted I said I had filed for a divorce from my AH and that he wasn't getting a lawyer or contesting it but how do you go ahead with it when you know that he's in the end stages of alcoholism? Boy, I'm the supreme codie out here being married to him for 39 yrs, but he begged me to go ahead and divorce him but just let him live in the house until he dies that he didn't want to end up dying homeless, alone in some gutter. So, now my kids won't come around because he still lives at the house and that I didn't go ahead with the divorce and they don't believe that he's dying, ugh. Does this ever stop? I told him he can stay but he can't drive anymore and if that isn't doable then he can get into the car, pack his bags and leave. If he wants to drink he has to walk to get it. Well, he gave me all the keys and now my life is on hold again. One positive note is that I'm going to see a therapist this Friday and I'm hoping he has a lot of Kleenex and extra hours to give me!

fedup3

He goes sometimes for weeks not eating, he's skin and bones, throws up non-stop until it's just the dry heaves and I've found blood around, memory is gone, he's one mass of bruises on his body and the smell of ammonia is so strong I smell it as soon as I walk into the house. But, you're right he could go on for years but how long can someone do this? He's been doing this for 6 years and to the max! Detox, rehab, detox and rehab and on and on. We live a roomies now, I go and do what I want as though I'm not married to him anymore.

Thumper

I put my divorce on hold for a short time also - not really the same reasons but it wasn't really what I wanted. Remember you can change your mind if you feel you need to/want to. It was big for me to allow myself the right to change my mind.

Sometimes it helps me to think of things in a cost/benefit analysis. I can make any decision I want to, but regardless of which choice I make, there is a price to be paid. You are paying a fairly steep price right now with your own peace and serenity and with your relationship with your children. Keep weighing it out to make sure it is adding up. That is cost/benefit for *you* not for your ah. He has made/is making his choices and has his own price to pay.

In re-reading it sounds like I'm totally against your decision. That isn't what I wanted to communicate. I just mean to express that this is a decision you can actively make and re-evaluate as needed, not an obligation you can't think through etc.

ETA: Maybe he needs some kind of nursing facility?

fedup3

My lawyer gave me the advise to dismiss the case saying if he close to dying why are you divorcing him. You know taking him to the doctor is not a bad idea this way I'll know if this is just one more time he's deceiving me.

FLsunshine

When I needed to make the decision whether or not to let my RAH return to the home or remain homeless..I based a lot on what I could live with doing and be happy when I looked in the mirror.I let him back in,set boundaries and worked on me. Tho we all here on SR are in similar situations, we still haven't walked a day in each others shoes.. My heart goes out to u in this tough time..

kittykitty

I second Thumper's question, that maybe he needs a nursing facility. There are people out there that can take care of him during this last stage of his life, you shouldn't have to if you don't want to.

I too have been in a place where it was a matter of "just helping out/ putting myself second for a little bit longer", and all it did was fill me with resentment and anger towards him, others, and most importantly myself. My life is too short to put on hold for others anymore. I'm only cheating myself. Just realized that about 2 hours ago, while I was sitting in a tornado shelter in Oklahoma, 10 - 12 tornados touched down all around us. I drove through Joplin last Sunday, 2 hours before the tornado ripped through and killed over 100 people. Gave me even more perspective in my journey I've been on lately. Life is just too short.

tjp613

So why don't you do just that??.... move out and let him stay in the house?

fedup3

He hasn't worked in 2 years and is on unemployment so our biggest asset is the house. I couldn't afford to move out and why should I live someplace inferior just to get away from him? I'm going to take some deep breaths, go to my therapist this week and make sure my AH keeps to the boundaries I set. The sad thing is it's summer and no one will come over to our house as long as he is there, ugh. It's just amazes me how one human being can mess up so many lives.

suki44883

If it's something you can live with, then fine. We all have our limits and if you haven't yet reached yours, then who are we to tell you otherwise? You know what you are facing and we don't. It's your decision and it's your life. I hope it all works out in the best possible way.

tjp613

Ain't that the truth? Well, fedup, I wish you all the best thru this difficult time Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. (((Hugs)))

japabp2000

(((((Hugs))))))) I wish you the best. I am glad you are seeing a therapist.

MsCooterBrown

the smell of ammonia is so strong I smell it as soon as I walk into the house

I couldn't ever quite identify that smell..my ex husband had it..I thought it was more like kerosene. What is that..he had it bad..

fedup3

Boy when it rains it pours! I'm a cancer survivor just had a CT scan done and there's a problem with my left lung, ugh. I'm seeing a specialist next Friday on what the next step will be and I'm trying not to be anxious about it. My AH has been sober now for a week and since I stopped the divorce and now the news of the scan results he's been falling all over me with hugs, and saying how sorry he is for everything he's done to me. I'll come out of this just fine and we'll see how long he stays sober.

StarCat

Best of luck to you, fedup - with everything.
Sending lots of hugs and prayers!

wanttobehealthy

I know stress doesn't cause cancer but you really can't argue with the fact that prolonged stress does a number on one's body. Maybe the CT scan is a sign that you have to choose whose well being is more important? His or yours? I hope he stays on his best behavior for your well being but I imagine it's a matter of time before the same pattern starts again... I hope that the cancer hasn't returned. You're in my thoughts.

barb dwyer

fedup -

I hope you'll keep us posted on the tests and results.

I wonder if
maybe your 'new room'
could become a creative project for you
so that
you can fix it up
as if you're on your own
and put a big thick lock on the door?

LIke a mini-apartment?

I've had so many friends walk the post - op complications
thing like you're describing
and when they put their 'everything' in to something
CREATIVE
it was so so SO much better experientially for them.

I mean -
you're not going to get him out of the house, right?
And now after three decades
he's pretending to transform?

Do you really believe that?

But at the same time -
you're hgetting some support.

I thin k
if you keep a wall between you
and make that room your HAVEN...
it might well be a wonderful thing for you.

Because you know
that when the going gets tough
he'd going right back into that bottle.

I've been a smoker for thirty years.
I'm trying to quit
but there's parts of it I just cannot put down.
I work on them every single day.

You can't just cut away thirty years.
Is what I'm trying to say.

Just offering another approach to something
that you wanted, but didn't happen for you
that might turn it into something
creative and beautiful.