Sad
 

I think of him on our wedding day, so happy.

I think of him laughing.

I think of backgammon and getting the puppies and thinking about the future.

I remember love notes on the mirror.

I remember that man and I get so sad. I would do anything to have him back 100% of the time.

Instead I get him for an hour or two a week, if I am lucky. Otherwise I get isolation, snappiness, outright ignored.

I miss my husband so much. How did we end up here? Why won't he try harder in recovery? I want that man back.

I think in addition to the realization that all those kinds of things are gone with my AH, what's very very sad for me is the fact that he doesn't even recognize it.

The last time I tried (maybe a month ago) to talk to him about the "distance" between us I said something like I felt we'd drifted so so far apart and I wanted to find a way back together and he looked at me like I had 3 heads and asked if I was insane, told me I was needy, neurotic and imagining things and needed to stop creating self fulfilling prophecies by saying things like that that MAKE him want to be distant.

That was a turning point (there've been many).

It still astounds me though that he and I suspect others in his shoes, don't see all that has been lost at all...

Realizing that made me let go of the hope that we'd get it back bc in order to get it back both people have to a) realize it's gone and b) want it back.

I woke up in the middle of the night in the arms of my new man.

And I remembered something AXH said, 100 years ago, when we were newlyweds and expecting our first child. He said, "I'm so going to miss it if you ever stop being snuggly and cuddly." I said, "That is never going to happen."

The memory stabbed me like a knife. And I asked myself, "What happened to us?" And then I remembered that that moment? That moment was just a snapshot. When that happened, he had already put me (and our yet-to-be-born child) in danger by picking a fight with the seedy characters downstairs. He had already forced me (by guilt and emotional blackmail) to sign a false affidavit for him. I had to remember that the alcoholic was there already -- there was just less of him and more of the real person I fell in love with.

I wish I could really see alcoholism as a disease that someone gets by no fault of their own, sort of like MS or a brain tumor. Because then I could grieve. Grieving while placing blame doesn't work. And I do blame him. For not getting help, for not trying harder, for not even thinking his children was reason enough.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread but I guess I'm kind of sad, too. Even if I have moved on with my life and wouldn't go back. Yeah.

You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you certainly can't cure it. Your husband has a sickness. He is sick. Look at him and know that he is sick. There is no answer to how did you end up here other than it's the sickness -- his sickness! Why won't he try harder in recovery -- well, you can't want it more than he does. There is nothing you can do . . . except focus and work on yourself. Make sure you are happy and healthy independent of him, where he's at, what he's doing, and so on.

It hurts. I know. We all know. We all get it. I am sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away. But there is nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do. Except -- do not enable him. Detach with love. Detach with compassion. Detach with knowing that it's the greatest love in the world that you can give him. Detaching is the greatest gift in the world that you can give him.

You would do anything? Of course you would. We all would. But we can't. There is nothing we can do . . . for them . . . but we can do for us.

I wish you all the peace and happiness you desire -- and if you focus on yourself -- you will find it.

I think this is the universal sadness of anyone who's cared about an alcoholic. :( We all go through this.

I so hear you, Putmeontheair. I've thought the same thing gazillions of times.

I was married to the REAL man he is/was for 28 years before he slowly started turning into this stranger he's become over the last 7. I tell him often that I want the old him back --- I miss him so much.