never forget what you learn...
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
never forget what you learn...
I needed a reminder, I guess, I need to keep practicing what I have worked so hard to learn.
Triggers still hit me in the gut when I least expect them to.
My BF has been in recovery and sober for over 15 months. He is doing great, and we have been seeing one another for 4 months after 6 months of no contact and a previous try when he had 90 days, and we both needed more time alone. I enjoy being with him very much, but chose to live alone, which makes me very happy.
I got a text last night from him, saying that he hurt himself, and was going home to lie down, and would call me later???? Major trigger for me. In the past, a text like that meant, " I am drinking, so will be unavailable. " And any injury was an excuse to get meds from the doctor.
But, I just texted back that I was tired myself, and take care, no need to call.
When we spoke today, he was not hurt, he was merely sore from playing golf. I don't think he was drinking, but it's that thinking and that behavior that creeps in sometimes that frankly bothers me. Say what you mean, please, directly.
One day we were talking about amends, and I said the thing that I had the most trouble with was the half-truths, and the little lies and the slight exaggerations that made up so much of our relationship while he was actively drinking. Is it so unreasonable to expect the clear complete truth? Have I learned to believe that anything less is still acceptable through my relationship with an alcoholic? Dear God, I hope not.
It's not easy, none of this, that's for sure. But I am holding on to my recovery and know I will be fine, no matter what.
I want what I want in a relationship, and I am done accepting less than that.
Triggers still hit me in the gut when I least expect them to.
My BF has been in recovery and sober for over 15 months. He is doing great, and we have been seeing one another for 4 months after 6 months of no contact and a previous try when he had 90 days, and we both needed more time alone. I enjoy being with him very much, but chose to live alone, which makes me very happy.
I got a text last night from him, saying that he hurt himself, and was going home to lie down, and would call me later???? Major trigger for me. In the past, a text like that meant, " I am drinking, so will be unavailable. " And any injury was an excuse to get meds from the doctor.
But, I just texted back that I was tired myself, and take care, no need to call.
When we spoke today, he was not hurt, he was merely sore from playing golf. I don't think he was drinking, but it's that thinking and that behavior that creeps in sometimes that frankly bothers me. Say what you mean, please, directly.
One day we were talking about amends, and I said the thing that I had the most trouble with was the half-truths, and the little lies and the slight exaggerations that made up so much of our relationship while he was actively drinking. Is it so unreasonable to expect the clear complete truth? Have I learned to believe that anything less is still acceptable through my relationship with an alcoholic? Dear God, I hope not.
It's not easy, none of this, that's for sure. But I am holding on to my recovery and know I will be fine, no matter what.
I want what I want in a relationship, and I am done accepting less than that.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Sometimes that thinking is supposed to creep in. It's what protects you. It causes you to raise your awareness -- not only to his drinking, but to alerting you to detach, not enable, etc.
Anything less than open and honest communication should not be acceptable. But when it is present with the alcoholic, we must understand the root of it. It's part of the sickness. We all know the joke about "lying" and "when their mouth is moving" -- well, in part that is true. We all know that as well. So we detach, we don't enable, and we don't get sucked in -- as you said holding on to and committing to our recovery! That is the most important thing we can do . . . for ourselves!
I slipped a couple of times these past two weeks. I slipped today. But I caught it immediately and got back on track so that I can be in a very good place and so I CAN BE HEALTHY. That is my goal everyday.
Keep up the great work.
Anything less than open and honest communication should not be acceptable. But when it is present with the alcoholic, we must understand the root of it. It's part of the sickness. We all know the joke about "lying" and "when their mouth is moving" -- well, in part that is true. We all know that as well. So we detach, we don't enable, and we don't get sucked in -- as you said holding on to and committing to our recovery! That is the most important thing we can do . . . for ourselves!
I slipped a couple of times these past two weeks. I slipped today. But I caught it immediately and got back on track so that I can be in a very good place and so I CAN BE HEALTHY. That is my goal everyday.
Keep up the great work.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
Interesting reminder, I mean about remembering what you have learned. Are you in Al-Anon? 'Cause if you are, I was thinking today that we are never really meant to "complete the steps" just continue with them, grow with them. They are guidelines to keep us on a spiritual path, and that means constantly growing and reliving and learning again, but in deeper ways each time. I'm going though a relearning myself, but for me it's about finding friends. I know I have to expose myself and ask for help and I HATE doing that. However, if I don't I'll remain being isolated.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Yes, I do realize that I will be recovering for the rest of my life, and applying the al-anon principles in all of my relationships.
Lately, and I suppose it is because things are going well in my relationship with my qualifier, I apply those principles more in all of my other relationships. And I am new enough to recovery to be very conscious of those dealings. I stop myself often to remember to practice what I am learning. And that is a good thing, for me.
Lately, and I suppose it is because things are going well in my relationship with my qualifier, I apply those principles more in all of my other relationships. And I am new enough to recovery to be very conscious of those dealings. I stop myself often to remember to practice what I am learning. And that is a good thing, for me.
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