relative progress
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
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relative progress
We had our first talk today since I left 6 weeks ago. We weren't avoiding it; just waiting for a better time.
He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, because he doesn't feel a craving for alcohol. So I asked him some standard questions... all of which he answered affirmatively. (Does anyone close to you complain about it? Do you lose track of how many drinks you've had in an evening? Do you lose track of whole evenings? Do you binge drink? Do you miss out on work or family obligations because of it?)
He said he'd never thought about it that way; which I believe, seeing that his family and work have always supported heavy drinking as normal and laudable.
We had a terrific, strong, loving conversation. We may never have another one, or it could be the first of many. I don't know.
I'm learning that this limbo I'm feeling could actually be a momentary joyful space. It definitely helps that he is the person he is, and that I'm committed to my own recovery. We'll see what happens next.
- Sylvie
He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic, because he doesn't feel a craving for alcohol. So I asked him some standard questions... all of which he answered affirmatively. (Does anyone close to you complain about it? Do you lose track of how many drinks you've had in an evening? Do you lose track of whole evenings? Do you binge drink? Do you miss out on work or family obligations because of it?)
He said he'd never thought about it that way; which I believe, seeing that his family and work have always supported heavy drinking as normal and laudable.
We had a terrific, strong, loving conversation. We may never have another one, or it could be the first of many. I don't know.
I'm learning that this limbo I'm feeling could actually be a momentary joyful space. It definitely helps that he is the person he is, and that I'm committed to my own recovery. We'll see what happens next.
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
My AH (and I suspect many others) says the same thing about "cravings". Says he doesn't have them and so isn't a "real" alcoholic.
What is with them and this relative comparison stuff?
That was an aside... It sounds like you had a good conversation- I'm glad. My own experience is that AH and I have had very very similar conversations where I try to show/explain something to him, he says "wow, I never saw it that way before" or "I'd never thought of that" and then thanks me, assures me he'll make changes and quack quack quack all the way back to the same old same old. And I think a big piece of this puzzle has been that he's been able to "have it all"-- he can have the excessive drinking and horrid behaviors AND his family. I'd never demonstrated anything different, despite claims that I would not "take it" anymore...
Since you have shown him that you aren't accepting it and are working on your own program and doing well, I hope that your H will be different this time around and that maybe he did hear- really hear and digest what you said. I hope he will want to make changes to improve his life.
And even if he doesn't, you have a program you are working and you are improving your life with or without his participation...
What is with them and this relative comparison stuff?
That was an aside... It sounds like you had a good conversation- I'm glad. My own experience is that AH and I have had very very similar conversations where I try to show/explain something to him, he says "wow, I never saw it that way before" or "I'd never thought of that" and then thanks me, assures me he'll make changes and quack quack quack all the way back to the same old same old. And I think a big piece of this puzzle has been that he's been able to "have it all"-- he can have the excessive drinking and horrid behaviors AND his family. I'd never demonstrated anything different, despite claims that I would not "take it" anymore...
Since you have shown him that you aren't accepting it and are working on your own program and doing well, I hope that your H will be different this time around and that maybe he did hear- really hear and digest what you said. I hope he will want to make changes to improve his life.
And even if he doesn't, you have a program you are working and you are improving your life with or without his participation...
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