moving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
moving
So, I'm finalizing my plans of moving to my "dream" city... the place me and xAbf were going to move to and settle down and raise a family [and buy a sailboat, haha].
During our entire relationship i was moving toward this goal--whereas I saw it as a goal, he saw it as a fantasy that only those "deserving" could live the life we were envisioning. Needless to say, this was the start of our huge rift.
Anyway, today has been WONDERFUL. I found the condo where my dog and I will be moving to--perfect location. perfect amenities. everything. so, I was VERY happy today since this is kinda one of those things I did BEFORE he came along (i.e. have huge life goals and make them happen-funny, he felt this is one of the most attractive things about me) and I felt more like me again today.
Tonight, I started making my "lists" of things to do--pack, sell, bring, leave, etc... and I have a few things that are his that I'm sure wouldn't really make a difference if he ever saw them again... but they DO make an excuse for me to drop them off at his mom's house (to keep the no contact). And although he probably doesn't miss them, they are meaningful things (the type you'd be like "o yeah-i forgot about that" and have a smile on your face).
But now, as I sit here thinking about how/when to do it--i'm getting anxious about the move. 51% of me can't believe that i'm actually moving... moving on to the life i "was supposed to bring him toward" (his words not mine)... i WISH SO MUCH i could have a heartfelt, sad goodbye with him--i mean, he WAS my best friend-the closest person i've ever been with... that's something a normal relationship would allow. i feel somewhat scared that i'll drop off his stuff with his mom (who adored me; although post break-up... i have no clue) and he'll find out and just get angry... or depressed... and both of those scenarios could very well lead to still not hearing from him. i know i shouldn't want to have contact--but if im moving and leaving for good--don't i get to have a goodbye? and if so, should i just contact him directly and drop off the stuff with him instead of his mom?
by the time of my move, it'll be 5 months of no contact; so i'm HOPING anger wouldn't be so close to the surface of his reactions--that somehow a goodbye to him could "reach" him... a mini validation of us (not to get back together; but just to validate how much we meant to each other).
am i being stupid? do i really have to just walk away without even telling him a goodbye from love (as opposed to the dramatic goodbye from hate that occurred four months ago)?
replies from RAs welcome
During our entire relationship i was moving toward this goal--whereas I saw it as a goal, he saw it as a fantasy that only those "deserving" could live the life we were envisioning. Needless to say, this was the start of our huge rift.
Anyway, today has been WONDERFUL. I found the condo where my dog and I will be moving to--perfect location. perfect amenities. everything. so, I was VERY happy today since this is kinda one of those things I did BEFORE he came along (i.e. have huge life goals and make them happen-funny, he felt this is one of the most attractive things about me) and I felt more like me again today.
Tonight, I started making my "lists" of things to do--pack, sell, bring, leave, etc... and I have a few things that are his that I'm sure wouldn't really make a difference if he ever saw them again... but they DO make an excuse for me to drop them off at his mom's house (to keep the no contact). And although he probably doesn't miss them, they are meaningful things (the type you'd be like "o yeah-i forgot about that" and have a smile on your face).
But now, as I sit here thinking about how/when to do it--i'm getting anxious about the move. 51% of me can't believe that i'm actually moving... moving on to the life i "was supposed to bring him toward" (his words not mine)... i WISH SO MUCH i could have a heartfelt, sad goodbye with him--i mean, he WAS my best friend-the closest person i've ever been with... that's something a normal relationship would allow. i feel somewhat scared that i'll drop off his stuff with his mom (who adored me; although post break-up... i have no clue) and he'll find out and just get angry... or depressed... and both of those scenarios could very well lead to still not hearing from him. i know i shouldn't want to have contact--but if im moving and leaving for good--don't i get to have a goodbye? and if so, should i just contact him directly and drop off the stuff with him instead of his mom?
by the time of my move, it'll be 5 months of no contact; so i'm HOPING anger wouldn't be so close to the surface of his reactions--that somehow a goodbye to him could "reach" him... a mini validation of us (not to get back together; but just to validate how much we meant to each other).
am i being stupid? do i really have to just walk away without even telling him a goodbye from love (as opposed to the dramatic goodbye from hate that occurred four months ago)?
replies from RAs welcome
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
First of all, congrats on moving forward with your life and doing something you've dreamed of doing for a long time now. Congrats to you...I'm happy for you!!
Not sure what to say about the whole 'good-bye' thing. Why do you think you need or want it? What good could come from it?
Not sure what to say about the whole 'good-bye' thing. Why do you think you need or want it? What good could come from it?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
very well expressed.
emotions, they come and they go.
perhaps wait and see how you feel a few days from now. i would imagine that sorting through his things brought back memories...and longing...
speaking from my own experience, any contact with mine opened doors again that i had closed...it prolonged my suffering...
emotions, they come and they go.
perhaps wait and see how you feel a few days from now. i would imagine that sorting through his things brought back memories...and longing...
speaking from my own experience, any contact with mine opened doors again that i had closed...it prolonged my suffering...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I understand for your wish to have a real goodbye. It wold show you that he really did care on some level. However, please don't set yourself up for disappointment by expecting to get that from him. That requires feeling on his part, and he may not be able to do it.
How exciting for you on finding he condo and planning the move! It's really nice that you realized your goal at this particular point Sounds like HP is setting up the life of your dreams just as you're moving forward. Hmmmmm...coincidental?
How exciting for you on finding he condo and planning the move! It's really nice that you realized your goal at this particular point Sounds like HP is setting up the life of your dreams just as you're moving forward. Hmmmmm...coincidental?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congratulations on your plans--I totally agree, making something you want, happen, all on your own, is a HUGE step toward regaining your sense of self as a person.
So far as the "goodbye" goes--here's my concern. You envision it as a bittersweet meeting at which you could both express your sadness that things did not work out, and your good wishes for the other person's future. IF it happened that way, yeah, that might be nice. HOWEVER, it's just as likely that this would be an exercise in his blaming you, falling into self-pity, saying things that would only make you either doubt yourself or feel bad about doing what is best for you.
Right now, you have a promising future. Why start it off with an experience that is likely to make you feel bad?
If you feel the need to communicate at all, maybe write a SHORT note indicating that you wish him the best, that you thought it was best not to have a drawn-out goodbye, and leave that with his mom, along with the stuff you drop off. I wouldn't make it a real long note, I wouldn't rehash any of the past, but simply a "good luck, best wishes for the future" kind of thing.
I'm excited to hear you found a great place and are making your dreams happen. Go for it!
So far as the "goodbye" goes--here's my concern. You envision it as a bittersweet meeting at which you could both express your sadness that things did not work out, and your good wishes for the other person's future. IF it happened that way, yeah, that might be nice. HOWEVER, it's just as likely that this would be an exercise in his blaming you, falling into self-pity, saying things that would only make you either doubt yourself or feel bad about doing what is best for you.
Right now, you have a promising future. Why start it off with an experience that is likely to make you feel bad?
If you feel the need to communicate at all, maybe write a SHORT note indicating that you wish him the best, that you thought it was best not to have a drawn-out goodbye, and leave that with his mom, along with the stuff you drop off. I wouldn't make it a real long note, I wouldn't rehash any of the past, but simply a "good luck, best wishes for the future" kind of thing.
I'm excited to hear you found a great place and are making your dreams happen. Go for it!
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