Divorce Papers Signed - How come I cant be like some of you?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
YAY!!!! You covered the mortgage and got a bunch of future business contacts in 1 day...looks like that window opened and you were right there to lean out and grab the offered opportunity. This is jusst the first day...I can't wait to hear what comes next!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Congrats, Bobby!
I agree, you've been VERY strong. We each have to decide where our personal breaking point is. I left my second husband after we'd lived together only a few months after our marriage, because he'd gone back to drinking after almost dying of the disease. I knew I didn't want to go through another death-bed vigil when he was bent on destroying himself. That was my breaking point. We didn't have kids, and even though leaving caused me personal pain and expense and inconvenience, the benefits of leaving outweighed the reasons to stay.
Other people have different issues (kids, money), and different personal tolerances. We are all individuals. You can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides, as GB so wisely pointed out.
I think it's wonderful that you had some good things happen right when you needed a boost. If anything should show you that you are doing the right thing, that should.
Hugs, hang in there. It ain't over yet, and you will have other painful moments to come, but be assured you will make it.
I agree, you've been VERY strong. We each have to decide where our personal breaking point is. I left my second husband after we'd lived together only a few months after our marriage, because he'd gone back to drinking after almost dying of the disease. I knew I didn't want to go through another death-bed vigil when he was bent on destroying himself. That was my breaking point. We didn't have kids, and even though leaving caused me personal pain and expense and inconvenience, the benefits of leaving outweighed the reasons to stay.
Other people have different issues (kids, money), and different personal tolerances. We are all individuals. You can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides, as GB so wisely pointed out.
I think it's wonderful that you had some good things happen right when you needed a boost. If anything should show you that you are doing the right thing, that should.
Hugs, hang in there. It ain't over yet, and you will have other painful moments to come, but be assured you will make it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Stay strong. I know it's hard. You can do it. Soon there will be a bright shining light at the end of the tunnel. In a few years, you will look back and be so thankful you took the difficult path now. Otherwise, you would still be EXACTLY where you were.
Never look back. Move forward. Get some new skills, new friends, and new to you stuff in the house. If the house is too much, sell it or rent it out and get something smaller. It's ok to be a bit selfish. That's hard too.
Best to you.
Never look back. Move forward. Get some new skills, new friends, and new to you stuff in the house. If the house is too much, sell it or rent it out and get something smaller. It's ok to be a bit selfish. That's hard too.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I just want to second what others have said about you doing well and being strong.
There is another thing I'd like to add, I know all too well those thoughts about burrying him before he gets sober.
I have been burrying my STBXAH for few years now, anticipating his death, as he had so many health problems, almost dieing from liver cirrhosis being one of them, but guess what? He is still alive. So many times I was absolutely sure he will not last more than few days, but he did.
My point is: there is no way you can know how much longer he'll live, so if you don't think about him dieing you're just sparing yourself some additional pain.
Nowdays my A is in rehab. There is no way anyone can tell whether he'll make it this time or not.
Sometimes I joke with my friends that after all those agonies I had over him dieing he might acctually outlive me. Like he can get well, and I could get some nasty disease from all the stress that was ruling my life for years.
I know how hard it is to part ways with person you love, but sometimes that is the most loving act one can do. You're letting him own his life, it is all up to him. You can only own your own. So be gentle on yourself.
No one knows what the future might bring, the way I see it your only job is to make sure you're there once the future happens.
Take care, you're doing well... One step at the time
HUGS
There is another thing I'd like to add, I know all too well those thoughts about burrying him before he gets sober.
I have been burrying my STBXAH for few years now, anticipating his death, as he had so many health problems, almost dieing from liver cirrhosis being one of them, but guess what? He is still alive. So many times I was absolutely sure he will not last more than few days, but he did.
My point is: there is no way you can know how much longer he'll live, so if you don't think about him dieing you're just sparing yourself some additional pain.
Nowdays my A is in rehab. There is no way anyone can tell whether he'll make it this time or not.
Sometimes I joke with my friends that after all those agonies I had over him dieing he might acctually outlive me. Like he can get well, and I could get some nasty disease from all the stress that was ruling my life for years.
I know how hard it is to part ways with person you love, but sometimes that is the most loving act one can do. You're letting him own his life, it is all up to him. You can only own your own. So be gentle on yourself.
No one knows what the future might bring, the way I see it your only job is to make sure you're there once the future happens.
Take care, you're doing well... One step at the time
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You might not feel strong or content or anything else you think you hear in others posts but I get so much from reading your posts bc you are so honest and open and I relate to so so much of what you share about how much you hurt even though you know this is what needs to happen.
I don't have divorce papers in hand and I think that's a big part of why I am feeling more stable/calm/able to accept this for what it is, than not. I think that on the day it is final, I will be in your shoes and I hope to have the ability to see things as clearly through my pain as you seem able to today.
My heart goes out to you. No one wants to give up on the hope of what could have been and I agree, this is a horrible, awful disease. It takes hold like a death grip on people and it seems far too many who are afflicted with it are unable to wrench themselves away. We can't help them get away from it but we can get ourselves away from it and it comes down the better of 2 painful choices... At least that's how I'm looking at divorce right now. I'm not happy about it, but given the alternative, it's the best option.
Be sad about it-- it's fine... It's normal even I think... Again, my heart goes out to you.
I don't have divorce papers in hand and I think that's a big part of why I am feeling more stable/calm/able to accept this for what it is, than not. I think that on the day it is final, I will be in your shoes and I hope to have the ability to see things as clearly through my pain as you seem able to today.
My heart goes out to you. No one wants to give up on the hope of what could have been and I agree, this is a horrible, awful disease. It takes hold like a death grip on people and it seems far too many who are afflicted with it are unable to wrench themselves away. We can't help them get away from it but we can get ourselves away from it and it comes down the better of 2 painful choices... At least that's how I'm looking at divorce right now. I'm not happy about it, but given the alternative, it's the best option.
Be sad about it-- it's fine... It's normal even I think... Again, my heart goes out to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
Hugs to you, BobbyJ. The finality of the divorce hit me hard, too. I took my vows seriously and know that he is not well.....everyone knows it but XAH. When infidelity entered the picture, I had to say to him (and to myself and 4 kids) how much is too much.
Almost 10 months later, it is easier. It had to happen for me to be safe, physically and financially.
Focus on YOU--something I am still learning how to do. But the pain has begun to fade a little...although my sense that he has thrown away and wasted so much still angers me. I'm working on that. But it's lovely to come home and not worry about his mood or condition. HP has a great plan for you, BobbyJ, and that plan is in motion even now. Hugs to you, be gentle with yourself. A "poor me nap" and a cleansing cry can do wonders!
Almost 10 months later, it is easier. It had to happen for me to be safe, physically and financially.
Focus on YOU--something I am still learning how to do. But the pain has begun to fade a little...although my sense that he has thrown away and wasted so much still angers me. I'm working on that. But it's lovely to come home and not worry about his mood or condition. HP has a great plan for you, BobbyJ, and that plan is in motion even now. Hugs to you, be gentle with yourself. A "poor me nap" and a cleansing cry can do wonders!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Bobby,
You just have your grief. It's the only way out of it. It just takes time, sweetheart.
About some of "us" others....well, you only know what you think others are experiencing.
Others here have said this as well.
It's what most of us do, but we're often, if not always, wrong.
Peace, things are already looking up.
You just have your grief. It's the only way out of it. It just takes time, sweetheart.
About some of "us" others....well, you only know what you think others are experiencing.
Others here have said this as well.
It's what most of us do, but we're often, if not always, wrong.
Peace, things are already looking up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by BobbyJ 
If you read my last post: Where's the man I married?
You will be able to understand, where Im at today....
Got a pretty big lump in my thoart today, when the lawyer
####### I know that lump well
called me and told me he faxed the signed papers over to her.
She would give them to the court and it will all be final by middle
of next week...
I got really big lump in my thoart as I was on the phone to the lawyer
Pulled over along side the road to puke
Finally letting go
Hoping this is what brings him to his knees & he finds recovery
####### Know that feeling and hope also. The many things I've tried and prayed for to lead to recovery
I sat here today and wondered, how come I cant be like some of you.
####### you are like some of us and you are like all of us, just different stages.
Some of you stayed married to your AH or AW
##### yes and no and went to the gates of hell and back
Some of you sound very content
##### different stage, many of us still miss the person, have dreams sometimes.
Some of you sound so strong
##### strength comes from experience, suffering, and wisdom
Some of you can live apart for years & stay married
####### big deal
Why not me?
####### don't fear, you will catch up, then you will be giving soothing advice to others down the road wearing the shoes you once wore
I didnt want to divorce him ... I really didnt
####### we all know that feeling
But I dont know this person anymore, so I had to let go....
####### and that feeling also, especially so !!!!
Damn, I really let go........
It is here, right smack in my face..Papers are signed!
######### the ship is sinking and your husband refuses to leave the ship, but you choose life over death, and alcoholism is insanity and death.
But a really weird feeling came across to me
I will probably end up burying him, before he ever sees a sober day
####### nobody knows, be happy you didn't choose to bury yourself.
Alcoholism, what a freaking horrible diesase!!!!
You will be able to understand, where Im at today....
Got a pretty big lump in my thoart today, when the lawyer
####### I know that lump well
called me and told me he faxed the signed papers over to her.
She would give them to the court and it will all be final by middle
of next week...
I got really big lump in my thoart as I was on the phone to the lawyer
Pulled over along side the road to puke
Finally letting go
Hoping this is what brings him to his knees & he finds recovery
####### Know that feeling and hope also. The many things I've tried and prayed for to lead to recovery
I sat here today and wondered, how come I cant be like some of you.
####### you are like some of us and you are like all of us, just different stages.
Some of you stayed married to your AH or AW
##### yes and no and went to the gates of hell and back
Some of you sound very content
##### different stage, many of us still miss the person, have dreams sometimes.
Some of you sound so strong
##### strength comes from experience, suffering, and wisdom
Some of you can live apart for years & stay married
####### big deal
Why not me?
####### don't fear, you will catch up, then you will be giving soothing advice to others down the road wearing the shoes you once wore
I didnt want to divorce him ... I really didnt
####### we all know that feeling
But I dont know this person anymore, so I had to let go....
####### and that feeling also, especially so !!!!
Damn, I really let go........
It is here, right smack in my face..Papers are signed!
######### the ship is sinking and your husband refuses to leave the ship, but you choose life over death, and alcoholism is insanity and death.
But a really weird feeling came across to me
I will probably end up burying him, before he ever sees a sober day
####### nobody knows, be happy you didn't choose to bury yourself.
Alcoholism, what a freaking horrible diesase!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
I understand completely where you are coming from. I didn't want to divorce my alcoholic husband either but I had that choice or to go down with him. I chose to live my life and be responsible for me and let him and God take care of him. Divorce was a gut wrenching thing to do but I can honestly say that it is the best thing I ever did for myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
The more times I read this thread, the more I can relate to it...I don't want to have to divorce my AW to save myself and our son. It would be so much easier if she found a path to recovery and we were able to have a family. But I refuse to drown when I'm 20 feet from dry land.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by jayscott
The more times I read this thread, the more I can relate to it...I don't want to have to divorce my AW to save myself and our son. It would be so much easier if she found a path to recovery and we were able to have a family. But I refuse to drown when I'm 20 feet from dry land.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
I know that there are indeed addicts who have found what they need in rehab. My family's experiences with my AW's rehab "efforts" has left all of us much more jaded about it than we probably should be...I can't help but think of it more like a business and less like a nurturing process. But at the same time, I know they would all go out of business if there weren't some success stories.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
jayscott -
i think i learned more in 2 day family session than he did in 28 days!
lol
business vs. nurturing - it is a huge business. we paid $10 Grand for 28 days.
kind of like going to sherman williams for one gallon of paint $30, you purchase the
best paint around...
but when you get home, WHO IS GONNA PAINT?
They give them the best tools for the money, but when they get home,
WHO IS GONNA STAY SOBER & FIND RECOVERY? (inside & outside recovery)
Thats how I think about that tonight...
Wish I would have kept the reciept, maybe I could have cashed in on a freaking refund...
i think i learned more in 2 day family session than he did in 28 days!
lol
business vs. nurturing - it is a huge business. we paid $10 Grand for 28 days.
kind of like going to sherman williams for one gallon of paint $30, you purchase the
best paint around...
but when you get home, WHO IS GONNA PAINT?
They give them the best tools for the money, but when they get home,
WHO IS GONNA STAY SOBER & FIND RECOVERY? (inside & outside recovery)
Thats how I think about that tonight...
Wish I would have kept the reciept, maybe I could have cashed in on a freaking refund...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
