Dividing Finances
 

I decided that I'm going to start to separate myself from my "R"AH in ways that will protect me and my children but still allow us to live together and work with one another. He's an "R"AH because he's able to abstain from alcohol for 3-4 weeks at a time but not meaningfully engaged in any recovery program. Since I'm 7 mo. pregnant and not willing or able to go through a formal separation right now, and since he isn't abusive (he's the depressive sort) and helps around the house and is sober 98% of the time, this is the compromise I'm making until I'm in a place that will allow me to make more permanent moves.

I decided that one step I'm taking is to separate our finances. We currently have a joint account, and I am going to open up a new account for myself only and have my money direct deposited there. I'm also going to ask him to pay 1/2 rent, his own cell phone bill, and 1/2 of the utilities. Of course, he'll be responsible for his own gas and cigarettes. I'm not sure how we'll split food, because he usually does the grocery shopping and cooking. He's unemployed right now, but I don't care, because I know he's perfectly capable of finding and keeping a job as well as getting financial help from his parents.

I decided awhile ago that while I love him and want to support him, that I need to be smart and protect myself and my assets. If he flips out at this prospect, I've got my answer in hand and can move forward with legal separation/divorce, and if not, at least I can rebuild my savings and pay down debt without him spending it on a bunch of crap. The goal is to disengage and self-protect so I can get this baby through early infancy with an extra set of hands before I make any huge changes. If the hand of God suddenly lights down on him and he decides it's important to a) be employed, and b) start using his sobriety resources, awesome. Somehow, I doubt that is going to happen. It hurts my heart, but I'm a big girl and will get through it.

It's an incomplete and imperfect solution, but I need to be pragmatic about how I'm going to extract myself and my kids from this situation. Right now it feels good to be proactive. He won't like it, but I don't like carrying this burden by myself, so he can suck it up.

If anyone else has suggestions about how to walk this line, it would be very helpful. I am not open to going no contact for a variety of reasons, so that's out.

Check out the thread "Financial Priorities" by Sylvie66. I think this is a good plan as you move towards giving birth and will help you gain some peace AND clarity as you take the next steps...whatever they are for you.

And not that this makes it any better/easier, but he admits he has a problem and is an alcoholic, but for some reason he's dedicated to white-knuckling it through sobriety. He attends meetings and sees an addiction counselor, but won't get a sponsor or work the steps. I told him today that because he is not engaged with a ("a", any, any whatsoever) program, and because his current methods weren't cutting it, the writing is on the wall and that I was going to begin taking steps to protect myself from his choices and that it was likely that we would be heading for a split down the road.

Not a threat, didn't even say it mean, it's just the sad truth.

I think he's trying to stay sober so these bad things will stop happening and people will stop being mad at him. But that's a long way from realizing that he is taking responsibility for his own physical and emotional health, you know?

Totally hear ya on that one. My XABF was "sober" when I met him 2 1/2 years ago. Supposedly has 4 years of sobriety under his belt by now and goes to AA all the time. He talks the talk but I saw NO recovery. Just stinking thinking, cheating, blaming, poor pitiful me, rudeness and gaslighting. That's why he's an X. You can't claim you're taking responsibility if you're not doing anything to back up your claims.

I feel for you...BTDT. Take care of you and Florence JR. When is your due date?

Oops..I was really thinking about the thread "Following the Money" by Alone22. Was living up to my hair color for a minute there.

hi florence-

just wondering, what is your plan if he doesn't give you 1/2 the rent and 1/2 the utilities?

This is an important thing to think through.

If he isn't working how is he going to pay anything?

"I know he's perfectly capable of finding and keeping a job as well as getting financial help from his parents."

I know I read that. A lot of unemployed people are capable of finding and keeping a job. Being capable and actually having the job are miles apart. A lot of people are capable of paying bills and choose to spend the money elsewhere. Perhaps it is best for your family that he not work at this time, which is an option too. Hopefully your income alone can get you by if need be. If his parents are willing to participate in supporting your family then that is a bit of a safety net but I would be cautious about depending on his parents for ongoing needs.

I've just had such a negative experience with making this type of thing work that I am cautious and, well, I'm here to share my experiences. :) Take what you like and leave the rest as they say.

Sorry for being defensive, I'm just seeing a lot of unsolicited advice-giving on the boards lately.

I broke the news this morning and it's a go as of Monday when the bank opens. I announced this during our first joint session with his addiction counselor, who reaffirmed to "R"AH that me setting boundaries is a part of his recovery and that this was a perfectly reasonable boundary. She also drew up a structure for him finding a sponsor and implementing a real job search with the hopes that he'll have one soon (the job market is okay in our area, so he should be okay as long as he isn't too picky). He was receptive and said that while it sucks, he's responsible for this and will figure it out. He is also putting together a way of making some scratch money while he job searches (I ebay, he etsys).

I feel good today. It's imperfect, but it makes me feel better. I'll update on how it plays out.

Nothing is perfect, just keep moving towards better and you are doing good! I hope it all works out and I think it is a great bonus that you work on this stuff with an addictions counselor.

So the people at my bank are so incompetent, I swear. I've been trying to open a new account, link them for money transfers, and move the money for the last three days. Still not working yet. I'm hoping this will be done by the end of the day today.

Apparently the "R"AH took that as a sign that I wasn't really going to do it, and has been sweet as pie since our meeting with the counselor on Saturday. When I mentioned in passing last night that I was still dividing the funds, he turned on a dime and started throwing out snide remarks whenever he did something for me, saying, "I'll put it on your bill." Etc etc. [I heard someone recently say that it wasn't the alcoholism that killed the marriage, it was the assholish attitude and immaturity. I believe it.]

I don't know why I didn't disengage and let it go, but I reminded him that this was a done deal, that he understood why on Saturday, and that his counselor said that it was not only important that he give meaningful contributions to the family but that I stick to this boundary. He didn't like that and threw a big ol' fit about how hard it was to make money and find a job. He then said that since he wasn't able to come up with money to pay bills and rent that he'd have to move out. I said okay, whatever. I know full well he's full of it.

I'm not surprised that he's resentful about it, but I was surprised with the way he lashed out. I had a mini-meltdown last night, and told him this morning that we need to find a way to live together or split up, that this funds division is happening, and that I shouldn't have to endure endless insults and tears as a toll for being in the marriage. I deserve better.

Not happy today, but I'm standing firm on this boundary. Hopefully the *%&#()! bank people will get their heads on straight so I can move forward. If he decides to have a tizzy and move out, that puts me in the same position I'm in now except with one less mouth to feed and body to clothe, so. WHATEVER. At least I can rebuild my savings.

why not simply tell him when it's complete? telling him gives him an opportunity to empty the bank account ahead of time.

i found it best to keep my plan to myself...why give them ammunintion and advanced notice?

Already done! It took a minute, but it's done. Finally.

&$*#(#! bank.

Good!
You work too hard to allow him a chance to wipe out the account.
Keep moving forward, and best wishes to you. :hug: