My Alcoholic mum died alone and I blame myself.

Old 05-20-2011, 05:45 PM
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My Alcoholic mum died alone and I blame myself.

My alcoholic mum died alone

My mum was discovered a week ago dead at her house. She was a reclusive alcoholic who shut the world out and didn't want to be helped.

She didn't care how she lived and so never tidied up, instead just threw everything on the floor and so she lived in terrible condition.

We went to see her every six to eight weeks, as i live two hours away, but she only came to see me once in 8 years. Every time we saw her we always tidied up the vomit, rotting food, piles of cigarettes and excrement she was living amongst. We tried to get her to listen to us but she never would. We called all the services we could but we were told time after time that there was nothing anybody could do. We got the doctor to come over so many times and even tried to get her sectioned but we were told that she was ' normal'.

She had lots of friends who wanted to see her and phoned her all the time but she wouldn't see them.

Recently we decided to take the advice from AA and try to detach ourselves from her as we had suffered for years and nothing ever seemed to change. We decided to let her know that we desperately wanted to help but she needed to ask for the help as we couldn't do it for her. For a while we stopped phoning regularly and did not go to see her for two months (we do not live in the same city).

Tragically she died very soon after we started trying this method and she lay undiscovered for about three weeks. I am absolutely devasated and feel so guilty that she died in this way, I keep thinking that if only I had gone to see her I might have prevented her death even though she told me again and again that she didn't want help and she would do it in her own way.I guess I became rather numb to her situation because I had dealt with it for some many years.

One of the worst things is that she died of unnatural causes, that is to say that her body did not give in, she had a fall and then died because she had not eaten or drunk anything. I can't believe how tragic her last week/days/hours have been and have no comfort at all.

There is going to be an inquest into her death. It pains me so much to not know why she died and why she did not ring anyone if she was suffering.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:27 PM
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I am very sorry for your loss.

However, please do not blame yourself. You all tried. Alcoholics are VERY STUBBORN. Yes, I am one, that did find recovery and I have worked with those still suffering for almost 30 years now.

I have to tell you that some just don't want recovery. They are content in their 'altered' reality and that is where they will stay until they die.

Early in recovery I heard this:

"There are 3 'UP's' for an alcoholic

Locked Up Jail

Covered UP Dead

Sobered Up"

I have to tell you that more alcoholics end up 'locked up' and/or 'covered up' than 'sobered up.'

Please do not blame yourself. Even if you had checked on her every week, this still would have happened.

My thoughts and prayers are going out 'across the pond' to you and your family.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:47 PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. We lose a little piece of ourselves when we lose a parent. Part of what you are feeling right now is grief. For whatever reason part of the grieving involves guilt. We feel guilt because we did _____or we didn't do_____ or we "let" _______ happen. It takes a long time to work through it.

I lost my Dad two and half years ago in a small aircraft accident (he was piloting). I felt guilty because I was supportive of him buying the plane. I wanted the NTSB or FAA to tell us specifically what caused the crash. I wanted answers. They never concluded what happened. Pilot error? Mechanical failure? We don't know. I still have nightmares about the violent and sudden nature of his death and the discussion I had to have with the coroner.

What I learned through this difficult period of grief is that I did not cause his death and I could not have prevented it. You didn't cause your mother's death. You couldn't have prevented it. Sometimes things happen and we don't get to know why. I wish I could give you a hug--I understand how your heart must hurt right now.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:51 PM
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The only people not responsible for their own actions are little kids that don't know any better. Please don't blame yourself...it's an awful, awful thing but seriously NOT your fault. There really is no helping them and if you try you get dragged down with them until you feel half crazy yourself. I'm sure your Mum wouldn't want you to blame yourself, it sounds to me like it was a tragic accident and the last thing you need to be feeling right now is guilt.
Let yourself grieve without putting that burden on your shoulders. x
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Old 05-20-2011, 07:00 PM
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My condolences to you and your entire family. I concur with everyone else that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Grieve, mourn, rail at the gods, but please do not blame yourself. Remember and hold onto all of the good things and memories of your time with your mother. This is so not your fault.
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Old 05-20-2011, 07:31 PM
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Please accept my condolences. Brighton, there was nothing you could do, nothing anyone could do. Now she is in a better place, free of suffering. I am sending hugs and prayers your way. Keep talking to us about your feelings, this is a safe place.
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Old 05-20-2011, 08:45 PM
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(((Brighton))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mom didn't want help, and made that clear. Had you been there, you may have gotten her through THIS episode, but there would have been others. There are many here who have lost loved ones when they were with them 24/7.

Guilt IS a part of the grieving process, and it does take time. I'm glad you're reaching out here. I know it helped me, when my XABF died of his addiction. He was a crack addict (as was I) and he got pneumonia. He could have lived, had he gone to a dr., but he was was more interested in getting high.

For people who are not A's, there's no rhyme or reason for what our loved A's do. I hope you continue to read and post here...I know it helped me, and I think it will help you, too.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:08 PM
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So sorry for your loss..moms are a tough one to get through-Please remember that you did try to help. You did the best you could..some things are just out of our control-try as we might to change things. Don't blame yourself.
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:52 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Brighton.
Wishing you strength and a measure of peace. Please be gentle with your grief.
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Old 05-21-2011, 01:02 AM
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Welcome Brighton

This is absolutely not your fault.

I pushed everyone I loved away, pushed them beyond endurance - and a part of me was actually glad about that because it gave me 'freedom' to drink...

and even when I still had people looking out for my welfare I still snuck drinks.

This disease kills and we never think it will happen to us - but the horrible awful truth is it does, every day.

I have a disability and I fell a lot when drunk - I was young, and lucky, but your mum's fate could have very easily been mine too.

I think you're right Brighton - she was a reclusive alcoholic who shut the world out and didn't want to be helped.

I'm so so sorry for your loss

I hate this disease - and blame it by all means, but please don't blame yourself.

D
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Old 05-21-2011, 03:57 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

My sympathies to you and everyone who loved her.

We are here to support you as you grieve and recover. (((hugs)))
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Old 05-21-2011, 05:12 AM
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Really sorry to hear this Brighton.

The way your feeling - the guilt - this is a perfectly normal way to feel and thats ok. Of course your gona think of the "what if's" and "if only's", everyone would, but know that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this.

Thoughts are with you and your family
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:26 PM
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What a tragic and sad loss for you. I'm so very sorry.
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Old 05-23-2011, 06:14 AM
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I send a prayer for your mom and your family. She is not suffering anymore.

It is absolutely not your fault.

Thanks to the recovered alcoholics for posting on this topic.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwMdO3HK_ws
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Old 05-23-2011, 06:23 AM
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Brighton- I am so so sorry for your loss and sorrier still for how much you are hurting. I am sure intellectually you understand it's not your fault, you couldn't have stopped your Mom from doing what she was going to do etc... but emotionally, guilt and issues tied to parents is a whole other matter.

Do you have friends you can spend time with? An al anon group? I can't imagine how hard this is for you and I am so sorry for all you are experiencing. My most sincere condolences to you and your whole family.
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Old 05-23-2011, 09:42 AM
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Although I haven't said anything for a few days I just want to say how much I appreciate all your replies and I check this everyday. Hearing from recovering alcoholics themselves has been particulary helpful. Thanks so much to everyone for the support. I will post again soon but have been sad to say anything.
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Old 05-23-2011, 03:50 PM
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I am terribly sorry about your loss xxxxxx

ghirl x
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Old 05-23-2011, 07:57 PM
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My condolences. Sorry for your loss.

The could'ves and should'ves will drive you crazy. They drive me crazy everyday.

I personally think after a certain point I think many flatout give up. Her choices in life helped lead her to her final destination. At least she's at rest. Her story and your story are already benefiting people since you have posted it. If nothing else at least you know your final attempts worked, let others know how you did it. Mum probably even realized this.

Stay strong, Best Wishes.
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Old 05-23-2011, 08:56 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing your feelings with us. I hope the support you find here will be some comfort to you. No one is blaming you for what happened. Like others have said you did everything you could for your mom!
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:53 AM
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My deepest sympathies to you, I am so sorry for your loss.

Be gentle with yourself, I am sure that is what your mom would want. She could not help herself, but as a mom, she would want you to have the peace and serenity that she could not find in her life on earth. You can do that for her now.

Hugs
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