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Argh!!!

Old 05-20-2011, 01:32 PM
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Skipper
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Argh!!!

So I got an email message today from ABF that said that he'd texted with his cousin and had a conversation about what's 'going on with us' and that he 'told the truth' and for her not to let it get in the way with the friendship she and I have.

Well, I'm glad he's telling 'the truth' to SOMEBODY I guess, but I don't even know what's 'going on with us', so it is weird to me that he can talk to someone else about it but hasn't talked to *me* about it at all.

The last 'us' conversation we had, I initiated and he got so uncomfortable talking about it that he blurted out that he's drinking again and it ended up with his moving out. There was no conversation about anything 'going on with us' that I can recall.

So....

did I miss something?
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Old 05-20-2011, 01:55 PM
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Good god...

It's funny how they can suddenly find the words to say... to somebody else!!!! My AH won't talk to me, but he'll bather to his drinking buddies, our disfunctional neighbors, the wall, the dog... anybody but me.


My advice... ignore him.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:20 PM
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Forgive me as I haven't been around much, so I don't know the whole situation. Is he still your boyfriend or not? How long ago did he move out?
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:30 PM
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What's it going to take for him to become ex-ABF? When does it end?

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Old 05-21-2011, 02:07 AM
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Curled up in a good book...
 
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Originally Posted by Darklight View Post
Whenever something like this happens to me, my sponsor calls it an: "AFGE".

Another
F_***ing
Growth
Experience

Just another chance to turn it over to HP.
Boy, do I encounter these a lot!
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:03 AM
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Good question.

Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
What's it going to take for him to become ex-ABF? When does it end?

Cyranoak

Hey, that's a good question.

So, I emailed him a short, sweet: "What is 'going on between us? Because, I don't even know...?"

and his response:

I'm drinking. You don't want that around <<<child>>> so wanted me to leave. I understand that and frankly don't have the heart any more to argue about it or what color a cloud is.
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Forgive me as I haven't been around much, so I don't know the whole situation. Is he still your boyfriend or not? How long ago did he move out?
He left May 10th.
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:34 AM
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
I'm drinking. You don't want that around <<<child>>> so wanted me to leave. I understand that and frankly don't have the heart any more to argue about it or what color a cloud is.
Well, that's pretty cut and dry... You've told him you don't want the drinking, he said he's going to keep drinking. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and honestly, I don't blame him. It is what it is.

Time to move on Skipper. Your relationship with him is over. Time to work on accepting that.

My AH has taken the same position("screw you, I'm drinking!!) and Im actually somewhat relieved because if he baited me with , "I'll quit, I'll go to AA... Whatever it takes!" it would make it harder for me to stay focused on what's best for me
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:46 AM
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the 3C's
u did not cause this
u can not cure it
and there is no cure.....

enough said
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:55 AM
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[QUOTE=GettingBy;2975725]Well, that's pretty cut and dry... You've told him you don't want the drinking, he said he's going to keep drinking. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and honestly, I don't blame him. It is what it is.


Really? You don't blame him for not wanting to talk about it 'anymore'? We didn't talk about it at all! If there was an 'argument' it was one he had with himself. I remember he'd seriously try to bait me with an 'argument' and when I'd go on to do something else and not engage, he'd walk out slamming the door. Then, if his mom called or something, she'd say, "Where's ----?" And I'd say, "I don't know, he got into a fight with himself and left for awhile."

That's the insanity of this whole thing. He makes it sound so different than reality.

This is just another way of him trying to tell his family, "She's righteous and someone drinking around her precious child is just not good enough, so she made me leave."

And that is simply not true. (My child has been around social drinking his whole life). The truth is that I didn't want my child watching someone he loves slowly and purposefully killing himself and fighting with himself the entire time. I don't want my child saying, "I wanted to play a game/go somewhere/do something, but ABF is passed out/can't drive/is too hung over"

I'm not arguing with him, and I won't even continue that conversation with him. At all. It's not my style to keep it going. I didn't even reach out to talk to him at all, and I don't plan to.

I still love him, and I think it's ok to love someone from afar. But, I'm not trolling the waters for fresh fish or anything either, so I'm not prepared or ready to call him an "Ex". I don't even call my former husband that.

He just moved out. I'm working on healing. I don't think any kind of definition about our relationship is helpful at this time. I will need time on this, and I will take the time I need.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:35 AM
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I didn't mean what I said in a negative way, at all. What I meant is that, you've set your boundary... Which I believe is completely REASONABLE to do... And if you really meant what you said, there really shouldn't be anything he can say to change that. So, that's what I meant... Why should he bother to keep talking about it? You don't want the drinking, he wants to drink. Done deal.

As for what he says to others... Let it go. He's going to talk about it from him perspective. He's going to say things that you will disagree with, he will call you things like crazy, unreasonable, controlling, hypocrite... You need to learn how to detach from his words and actions. You know your truth, and that's all that matters.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
I didn't mean what I said in a negative way, at all. What I meant is that, you've set your boundary... Which I believe is completely REASONABLE to do... And if you really meant what you said, there really shouldn't be anything he can say to change that. So, that's what I meant... Why should he bother to keep talking about it? You don't want the drinking, he wants to drink. Done deal.

As for what he says to others... Let it go. He's going to talk about it from him perspective. He's going to say things that you will disagree with, he will call you things like crazy, unreasonable, controlling, hypocrite... You need to learn how to detach from his words and actions. You know your truth, and that's all that matters.
You're right, GB, I didn't really take it as negativity.

I just feel so cheated from the truth. Does that make sense?

I appreciate the opportunity to get the truth out in this forum because it makes me feel like it's the truth that matters.

I wasn't trying to argue with you, either. I hope it didn't come across that way.

I feel very appreciative and I feel lots of love from people I don't even know IRL right now. Thank you for taking the time to help me walk through this process.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:44 AM
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Now, if you meant what you said to try to manipulate him into getting sober...

Well that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. And then I can understand why you still want to 'talk' about things. You want to keep talking to try and convince him why your way is the right way. I know... Because I've spent YEARS doing the same with my AH. I spent years thinking that if I said it the right way, or if I could have just one more 'talk'... I could get him to see 'it'... And he could get sober, and we would all live happily ever after.

It wasn't until I accepted him as a human free to do as HE chooses... That I realized how all those 'talks' were me trying to exert my control and will on him.

It all goes back to the three Cs... I can't control my husband, I didn't cause his drinking, and I sure as heck can't cure it.


I get it Skipper, I have so much compassion and understanding for where you are. It's hard, and it sucks...I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:48 AM
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It IS the truth that matters... That is exactly how I feel too. But what I've learned is that there will never be TRUTH with an active addict. NEVER EVER EVER.

So, I come here, and to al-anon, and that is where I find my truth and validation.

I've given up talking about it to my husband... Because his truth and my truth, won't ever match as long as his first love is alcohol.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
Now, if you meant what you said to try to manipulate him into getting sober...

Well that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. And then I can understand why you still want to 'talk' about things. You want to keep talking to try and convince him why your way is the right way. I know... Because I've spent YEARS doing the same with my AH. I spent years thinking that if I said it the right way, or if I could have just one more 'talk'... I could get him to see 'it'... And he could get sober, and we would all live happily ever after.

It wasn't until I accepted him as a human free to do as HE chooses... That I realized how all those 'talks' were me trying to exert my control and will on him.

It all goes back to the three Cs... I can't control my husband, I didn't cause his drinking, and I sure as heck can't cure it.


I get it Skipper, I have so much compassion and understanding for where you are. It's hard, and it sucks...I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
It'll take Someone Much Higher Than Me to help him get sober. I know that, you know that, he hasn't gotten there yet. I pray for him every day and I know others do as well. That's my 'love from afar'. So, no, I am not manipulating him to get sober. I am not 'waiting' for him, either. I am moving on with my life. I am taking my part very slowly and my boundary is set; there is no getting sucked back in, so no worries there.

It took us a long time to 'define' our relationship to begin with. We were best friends first and foremost. It will probably take me a long time to 'undefine' it as well.

No, I don't want to keep talking to him about it while he's smack-dab in the middle of his active drinking. That is a merry-go-round that just makes me dizzy and pukey. I hope one day we could, but that's just the way I feel today. I can't guarantee that's how I would feel one week, one month, or one year from now. I'm doing this, truly One Day at a Time.

But talking about it in my journal, on here, and even at meeting? Heck, yeah! That's just my process, I think.

Thanks for letting me.
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Old 05-21-2011, 09:33 AM
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Giving up caring what others think or hear about my personal life was one amazingly freeing and heroic act of my part. It saved me from needing to have my truth. When I get caught up in "truth", I get in trouble with the desire to justify. I know my truth. I don't owe anyone else an explanation. End of story.

Took me quite a few months to get there. And no contact with people who try to put me in that position to argue or demand explanations to my "truth".

Sr helped me see that- "what others think of me is none of my business". As long as I am living up to my standards and values, what others think is none of my concern.

Stay strong!
~T
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