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Old 05-20-2011, 11:27 AM
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Introduction

Hi everyone,

I joined last night and was able to talk to a few of you in the chat room. I've already experience warm welcomes, so thank you very much!

My name is Annie and I am 19 years old, a female. I am not struggling with substance abuse, but I am a daughter of one who does. I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ, who I hope and pray gives me a miracle.

Both of my parents are alcoholics. My father has been out of my life because of this since I was four. My mother on the other hand is an extreme alcoholic and brings me down with her. Her liver is failing, she's in trouble with the law, she refuses rehab and I don't see any hope. I love her to death, so I am heart broken. Her drinking forced me out of the house at 16 - I jumped around from house to house for the last 4 years.

I have a great support group behind me but sometimes it's not enough to have only people who don't understand at all what this feels like. To sit and watch someone choose the bottle over her family and children.. over me. To sit and watch them kill themselves slowly. That's why I joined, because I know I can find people who understand here. And I am so thankful.

Thank you,
Annie
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:37 AM
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Welcome And I adore your avatar by the way, my fave creature in the universe.

I grew up a bit like you (raised by a plethora of addicts/alcoholics, bounced around house to house, ran off on my own at 14), and my heart hurts for you, because I remember being that hurt, scared, pissed off (etc) like it was yesterday. Hey, I'm also in Colorado

I'm glad you found 'us', this is a great place.

It might be helpful to you to educate yourself about alcoholism, there's a few good books out there. Have you ever been to an alanon/alateen meeting? They're super helpful for a lot of people.

Welcome!!
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:46 AM
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hi Annie and to SR. This is a great place to find support, experience and some off-colour humour

I'm glad you're here.
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:00 PM
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Welcome. You are in the right place. I hope you are going to meetings, Al Ateen and Al Anon. Everyone there WILL understand. You are very strong to have gone through what you've gone through and are going through -- and to sound like you sound! The faith, belief, the strength. I admire you!

I used to think my wife chose the bottle over me. I got angry. It compounded and made me feel worse, and I got unhealthy. But I soon realized she did not chose the bottle over me. Their decisions are sick. The person is sick. There is no rational thinking. The thought process is not one over the other. I came to learn this.

All the best.
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:13 PM
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Welcome, Annie! I lived in Colorado from 1964-1995, 30 years in the Springs and a year in Denver, so Hello from another Coloradoan.

I have an AH (alcoholic husband), and my mother was/is mentally ill with so many of the same characteristics of an alcoholic parent, that I found great company in ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) in the Springs back in the mid eighties. I'd been in a group for incest and sexual abuse survivors and the ACoA's in that group were the ones who told me how similar my mother was to their AP's (alcoholic parents). They invited me to ACoA. I agree with others here that Ala-Teen would be great for you, and perhaps even ACoA. There is nothing like a community of understanding people who have been there, to help you on your way to a better life.

I learned so much about myself through therapy and ACoA and psychology courses I took. I learned how I had sacrificed so much of myself to take care of my mother. It was really a role reversal - the child taking care of the parent - and it really did set me up to be The Caretaker Of The World, among other things.

Best to you; glad you're here.
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Old 05-20-2011, 12:53 PM
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Welcome! I'm 25 m'self, also the daughter of alcoholics (my mom and stepdad...NC with my real dad because he's more sociopathic than they'll ever be), and I left home at 15 because of it. It meant that I spent two years on people's floors and under bridges (thankfully I'm in a rural area) because my mom was in denial that I wasn't coming home and refused to sign a lease for me, I was under 18 and couldn't sign my own even though I had the money to pay rent.

As soon as I got out of high school (one semester early since I had all the credits I needed) I moved 150 miles away and told my mom that I didn't want any contact with her until she was sober. At the same time, my sister married her boyfriend of 7 months and moved to Korea with the same statement, and both my stepbrothers moved out.

It took six years, but my mom finally did enter recovery after my stepdad's younger brother drank himself to death, and she has been sober for four years now. She and I work out together three times a week, she's a wonderful grandmother and is a tremendous help in helping me understand what's going on with my AH. Her husband is still an active alcoholic and she has moved out three times because of his drinking, but it never stuck -- luckily, her drinking has stayed away. Sadly, one of my stepbrothers is also an active alcoholic and has been since he was 14 -- he sobered up for a little while after leaving the house, but started drinking again shortly before he married.

I'll be truthful here...my life is chock-full of alcoholics, and only three are actively pursuing recovery -- my mom after losing her family, my cousin after his 3 1/2-year-old son died while he was drunk overseas, and my uncle after putting his wife and kids through 31 years of his drinking and having been drunk for his deceased 3 1/2-year-old grandson's entire life. Word from friends of the guy who killed the 3 1/2-year-old is that he was also an alcoholic and given to fits of rage -- the death was caused by contracoup injuries, proving he was violently shaken. My ex's stepfather also finally went into recovery and has been sober 15 years now after his 18-month-old daughter with Down's syndrome died, and he realized he missed her entire life. Bottom is different for everyone, but they have to hit it on their own. There is nothing we can do to affect their recovery, and sadly the only thing we really can do is find out how to be healthy ourselves. In my mom's case, breaking off all contact with her and leaving her to sink or swim on her own was the best thing to ever happen to her, which she now fully acknowledges.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:20 PM
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Wow thank you everyone. I am so happy to meet some fellow Coloradoans

I've never heard about alanon meetings. I found one nearby, I look forward to attending
I am reading a book called Understanding the Alcoholics Mind. I am already learning a lot.

Wywriter, should I tell my mom I don't want contact with her until she is sober? She insists she is right now, but I can never believe her.

Thank you everyone for sharing stories. I know I am not alone.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:30 PM
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Hello and Welcome to SR. We get it around here.

You didn't ask me but here's my thoughts on your question.

At one point I tried to set what's called boundaries on my AW. I was setting boundaries that were dependent on her actions and in my experience that does not work. You may find that you're constantly waiting on her to do something before you do something for yourself and this is not healthy for you.

Since you're reading up on things, here's a highly accepted recommendation.
Codependent No More by Mellodie Beatty.

Originally Posted by letuslove View Post
...
Wywriter, should I tell my mom I don't want contact with her until she is sober?
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:25 PM
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Only if you want to...

Originally Posted by letuslove View Post
...should I tell my mom I don't want contact with her until she is sober? She insists she is right now, but I can never believe her.
You know you can't believe her, and you also know you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You know well when she's drinking, and you know when she's lying too. You are very smart and self-aware for a 19-year old raised in that environment.

That said, many people here will encourage you to consider what we call "no-contact" with your mother, but primarily to give you time and distance to work on what we call your "recovery" from the affects of alcoholism and alcohol on you (even though you aren't an alcoholic). You do that here on SR, in Alanon meetings, and if you can find one ACOA meetings which are specific to Adult Children of Alcoholics. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

As for "should," I encourage very strongly that it is not our place to "should" on other people, should on ourselves, or let others should upon us. So, having said that, I'd encourage you to consider going no-contact with your mother until she fully engages, for a year or longer, in a program of recovery by herself, for herself, and not for you or anybody else. Just herself.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted by letuslove View Post
Wywriter, should I tell my mom I don't want contact with her until she is sober? She insists she is right now, but I can never believe her.
As Cyranoak has mentioned, everyone is different, so every "should" will be different too . I cut off contact with my mom because I knew it was the only way I could get past it and work on my own life, and it was still over two years after she started recovery before I starting talking to her regularly again. Even when sober, she can be a very negative person and nitpick at anything just trying to find a button to push -- when drunk, that was about 100 times worse and she often turned violent. I could not grow and pursue my own life and my own relationships with that hanging over my head. In fact, the first contact I had with her after leaving, very shortly after she'd started recovery, was the most disappointing and upsetting of the bunch -- it was when I told her I was pregnant with her first grandchild, and she had only mean things to say. It's amazing how much she's changed since then, and she hadn't actually ingested any alcohol for a couple weeks or so at that time.
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