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not doing well...

Old 05-20-2011, 09:22 AM
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not doing well...

Been proceeding along with the breakup from xabf, but it's been very rough for me. Came back home in January for a short period to live with my mom in between moving from the West coast to the East coast and have been having really difficult times with her. Never really got along with my mom from childhood but the fights have been VERY VERY BAD since this is the first time I am living with her as an adult. She's not an A (she doesn't drink by religion) but if she did drink I'm sure she would be one; definitely has all the traits to classify her as one to give you an idea of what it's like. Since I've moved back home I don't have too many friends left out here anymore, save except for one or two; so not a great support system. Always relied very heavily on the xabf to help me and get me through my issues, especially with my mom (READ: learn to take her bulls*** and how to stay sane). Have always had issues with abandonment and loneliness with my mom and others, but now without the xabf it is REALLY bad to the point it is unbearable. He is someone I grew up with, and the most serious relationship I've been in, and the sole person who understood everything I had been through in my life. The sense of betrayal is only made worse by him trying to mask his pain (just like any other A would) from the split by doing as many things he can as possible and hanging constantly around with another girl (who he may or may not be with). I was trying to go NC but I've been so bad lately I have been scared for myself. I was so desperate emotionally that I had to talk to him. And here I go with the calling and texting again and validating in his mind that he was right and all he does is just get more angry and have more of an attitude with me as a result. I keep saying that I don't want to be with him again, I just want to talk and try to resolve and become friends again. We are supposed to talk later today so hopefully we can get somewhere. I don't know what to do. I feel very lost and confused and scared and all alone. And now I have guilt and feel weak for contacting him. Going to Al-Anon was so enlightening and I felt so good for a while and want to go back, but Wednesday seems so far away again. I haven't been able to eat or think or sleep and I just feel like a shell of my former self right now. Help
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:28 PM
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Keep reading and going to Al-Anon! It's hard, hard, hard to pull ourselves up out of the A's deep dark pit, but it's possible. Little by little, day by day. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Al-Anon! Go! Now!
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Old 05-20-2011, 03:55 PM
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:codiepolice Please do not look to the ex for support. He can't give it to you. Perhaps you should concentrate on finding support at Al-Anon and or locating a good therapist. It will do wonders for you and give you the support you need from people who truly understand.

Hang in there.
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Old 05-20-2011, 04:01 PM
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Please don't have great expectations about this conversation you are supposed to have later. Remember what happened the last time. You may hear what you don't want to hear. He has been angry and hostile toward you. What makes you think it will be any different today?

It's probably best for you to find other sources of emotional support right now. How long do you have to stay with Mom?
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Old 05-20-2011, 05:59 PM
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I'm really doing the best I can to keep it together. You all are right, I really should have known better than to call. Even after telling him how upset I was he is still being hard-headed in his ways, does NOT now how to deal with pain at all. Wants to keep running away from everything because that is what he does; even though I'm not trying to hurt him and rather apologize and just get to a better place with him. But I guess it is what it is. I will keep coming back here and keep going to Al-Anon as I try to get out of this pit. I'm with my mom for about another three months, unfortunately. Going to try the best that I absolutely can.

Bella, I am glad that you bring up therapy because that is something I have really been thinking long and hard about for a while (including pre-breakup with xabf). To those that are going, my biggest concern has been cost. Do the sessions tend to be expensive? Are they covered by insurance usually?
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:23 PM
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Bruingirl ::hugs::

every contact you have with him WILL NOT ever validate how you feel about your break up... EVER. in his head he is validating HIS delusion... so if you come to him with kindness OR meanness it will always all mean the same thing to him (i.e. whatever excuses he gave to leave the relationship).

i'm exactly where you are. i live in a city far from where i grew up. all of my BEST friends live in different states and COUNTRIES--talking on the phone is difficult because of time zones. the friends i have left in the city i DO live in aren't really more than acquaintances to have dinners/parties with.

find a therapist! STAT! i found mine using GoodTherapy.org - Therapy, Find a Therapist or Marriage Counselor you can find one via your area and their specialty... and the therapists featured here have been rated to be really "good" (ethical, healthy, etc). it DEFINITELY sounds like you need to talk to one so that you can learn how to rely on yourself. believe me im with you on the feeling lost and lonely. im at month FOUR of no contact... and i found myself still sobbing last night about how lost and lonely i felt.

also, pick up some hobbies to distract you... i've started reading again. FUN books--nothing to do with codies or alcoholics or relationships... no self-help. just fun books to get away from it all. find strength in YOU in the little things you do everyday.
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Old 05-20-2011, 06:32 PM
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I definately can relate. I also became dependent upon my RABF for support. He is my best friend, he is supposed to be there for me right?

I can't tell you how much therapy has helped me in understanding how to get support from people who are PRESENT and HEALTHY in my life. They are there in yours. Therapy can help you find them, reach out to them if you have to.

Seeking support from an A is like leaning on a creaky old tree that is about to break so it just doesn't work. They cannot do it. You will fall to the floor every time.

The focus has to be on YOU and how to help yourself on your own with what you have in your life. The support for you IS there but it may take time to learn how to get it both internally and externally. It will get better.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:53 PM
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thank you forgotten1 for the link, it was very very helpful! and babyblue i LOVED your analogy of the creaky old tree...makes so much sense!
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Old 05-21-2011, 06:12 AM
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bruingirl. In my city, we can find an Al-anon meeting every single day. They're at different places, usually. Sometimes it takes daily meetings to help us find our HP and the peace we all need and deserve. If you got phone numbers or a list or something from your first meeting, reach out and see if there might be more you can attend.

Therapy is usually covered by insurance.
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