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Old 05-22-2011, 09:54 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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I'm so glad you had a FUN weekend! You deserve it.

I'm also very glad to hear you ignored the texts and voicemails from AH and recognize he does this to push your buttons. Just something to think about...since you are keeping the journal for the divorce, you may want to consider keeping the texts/voicemails as evidence for the court instead of completely deleting them. Especially if he's drunk or abusive, they have dates and times attached and are his direct words. You don't have to listen or read, just download them onto your computer and keep a file.
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Old 05-22-2011, 10:07 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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that sounds like such a great night. I am so glad for you.

You know, if your children are with you, what kind of call or text could you even receive that would be urgent, right?
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Old 05-22-2011, 10:46 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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I am going through court custody issues with XAH right now. The mediator told me to make sure that it is clear that I have made every reasonable effort to allow him access to the children. So if he calls, I respond to his call and if he wants to speak to the children, I let him. At least until he starts crying, then I make my children get off the phone.

Now that I am petitioning to relocate, he wants to see the children. He hasn't exercised this right in 5 months. I tell him that he has to submit a urinalysis as outlined in our parenting plan, because I suspect him of using drugs other than his antidepressant. (Thank goodness my divorce lawyer put that condition in there! She knew what kind of person I was dealing with, even when I didn't have a clue...)

Needless to say, he won't submit a urinalysis. But continues asking me to have supervised parenting time, take them to church, etc...

He is a very sick man.

Protect yourself. My XAH was high functioning for a while as well, but not anymore. Everyone has excellent advice here.

Document everything, sounds like you are.
Beware of the "parental alienation" syndrome. Some judges really don't take kindly when one parent prevents the other from having a relationship with their kids.
Make it clear that your children's safety is your #1 priority.
Please records any phone conversations and document if he EVER verbally abuses you in front of the children.
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Old 05-22-2011, 11:17 AM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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The parental alienation card is one he's thrown at me in the midst of insults/arguments. He knows it's a card he can play... And I know that when the girls are with me there is NO reason he needs to call me other than to bug me and be an ass. But then, as you say STTB, he could claim I was keeping him from the girls... UGH.

Stella- I thought the same thing and that was a large part of why I felt fine keeping my phone off all day. All he cared about was that he wasn't sure of where I was, what exactly I was doing and wasn't in control.

I do generally save texts/emails. Have plenty of those as evidence of his insane behavior and nasty words. Didn't think of that yesterday. Thanks for the reminder to save them.
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Old 05-22-2011, 12:24 PM
  # 65 (permalink)  
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If he was aware that you were taking the girls to an outing on Saturday afternoon, it's not keeping them away from him. He has the home land-line phone number. And if you get your land line through cable TV, you can pull up the records very easily to see if he tried to call them.
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:01 PM
  # 66 (permalink)  
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In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality.

From Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Stunning how he told you "you are destroying the family" humm, NO, that is HIM. That is why it is not personal, you are just a mirror, he does not like what he sees in himself, and he gets angry.


I am glad you are considering divorce. Remember your daughters, they can't be healthy and happy if their mom is not healthy and happy. Your emotional well being is very important. Perhaps you could record his calls and keep them (without hearing them) then give them to the lawyer? I have no experience there but I am glad you are getting done with this abuse. Sending you continued prayers and thoughts on this very sunny Sunday.

I am alone, feel kind of down, but it is still 100000 times better than having a jerk next to me.
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Old 05-22-2011, 01:35 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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I've been following your story and I always admire how you rally even after an emotionally abusive episode by him.

In my professional experience with mom's seeking custody (not as an attorney but as a mental health person for the child), no judge in their right mind would give much custodial weight to a man with a history of violence or substance abuse even if he is not currently drinking. If they did they would make him submit to psych testing etc (again this is in my experience only).

Your experience mirrors one I was helping a mom out with. He was very abusive, had expensive attorney but the court maintained her custody rights because they could see right through him. This is a mom with health issues, no job, she was sometimes even homeless but the judge still made her custodial parent.

That should reassure you I hope. Any man with a history of substance use and abuse has an uphill battle no matter how rich and powerful he is. Kids safety is paramount.
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Old 05-22-2011, 03:30 PM
  # 68 (permalink)  
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I've got to say that for all my FOO's "issues"... being with a handful of them yesterday was really really good for me.

One of my brothers had an affair a yr ago, left his wife and is still with the woman he cheated with. It has been a long time since I've wanted to hang out with him and had not yet met the "other woman". He was a part of the bunch I went out with in the afternoon and I saw the brother I remembered from years ago. It made me realize HOW miserable he'd been in his marriage and how different he'd been prior to leaving his wife. I in NO way condone how he went about leaving (and told him as much) but I told him yesterday that seeing him happy really was eye opening and showed me in a real life, face to face way that there IS life beyond miserable marriage. I'm certainly not looking for a new relationship but seeing my brother back to the person I knew showed me just how far removed he'd been from that person.... And during this conversation he said the same to me. He said that the past few times he's seen me (easter and this weekend) he's been surprised (pleasantly) by how much happier I seem and how great the girls are when it's just them and me... It made me cry to hear this bc I realized that it's not just me who has felt like I've turned into a different person over the past few yrs... Everyone has noticed it. And he is right--- I am infinitely happier being alone than when I am around AH.

So, even though the end of my week last week really sucked big time, it was a moment- a bad one at that- but a moment.... and the big picture is that things are getting better day by day and I'm enjoying life apart and so are my kids...
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Old 05-25-2011, 11:37 AM
  # 69 (permalink)  
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Yep. That dude is effed up. He is doing the reverse blame-shifting trick, trying to put his problems on you... he probably hates himself. You can't help him with that. I sooo hope you get sole custody of your kids. Yikes. You most definitely needed other people to hear about this conversation, so they could give their perspective. He's messed up. You are not, but you are letting yourself be hurt, which is part of the co-dependent thing, right? Meh. Ignore him.
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