Still in daily contact

Old 05-19-2011, 05:21 PM
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Still in daily contact

So I am still talking to exabf daily. Sometimes it is just too much and I'm ready to go no contact, I just can't bring myself to do it. He begs me not to. I worry about what not knowing would do to me. I worry about him. I thought I was getting stronger. Most of the time I am still picking up the phone.

He is alone, no job, no car. And yes, he did this to himself. I am 5 hours away. I made it clear that I am not coming back. Chances are great that the house will eventually get foreclosed on. He says his plan is to get sober, then come here to find a job and "make things right with me. Whatever that means.

He is talking to a rehab place in Atlanta. Not a 12 step program, It promises a shorter program, an outpatient atmosphere where he could have a laptop and cellphone and a private hotel room and could do whatever he wanted in the evenings. It is also twice as expensive as the place he checked out of before I left and may not be covered by insurance. I will believe he is going when someone tells me he is actually there, it sounds like more quacking.

He asks me if I love him, and I tell him that I do. He asks me if we have a chance and I say that I can't even consider it until he makes a commitment to be sober and get his life moving in a positive direction, including finding a job, getting finances back in order, etc. It would take so much work for him to get there, and I'm not doing any of it.

He says he is going to aa. He sounds sober most of the time we talk. On the occasions that I hear the alcohol in his voice, I tell him I have to go.

Life goes on here. Still going to job interviews, seeing friends I have been away from and enjoying being near my family again.

My mom noticed I was talking to him the other day. The thought of me and dd going back must scare her. She was angry. She asked"aren't you glad you got out of that mess?"

Of course I am, but glad isn't really the word for it.

I dont know if I might be trying to hold on to a tiny thread of hope, or I just worry to much to completely detach. When I ask him not to call, he usually texts to say he has "an important question" or "has to tell me something important". I fall for it every time.

For those of you who have gone No contact, was it a hard transition to make?
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Old 05-19-2011, 05:39 PM
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Well, as my post tonight shows, I have no leg to stand on interms of saying don't answer the phone... We DO care about them, we do love who they were and I guess for me that's part of why I answer. I know it's likely to be a bad idea and I do it anyway. In a way, not all that different than AH drinking even though he knows it's going to be bad for him.

I need to go to more al anon meetings and have less time to pick up the phone I think... maybe the same for you?

It's hard-- I know... Thinking of you...
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Old 05-19-2011, 05:53 PM
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I blocked his numbers from being able to call my phone, which helps a lot, because if he called me I would answer it. (Now I don't have that option).

I will confess that after his constant calls in rehab, driving me crazy, trying to control my life from inside rehab, I was sick and tired and ready to move on, so in that sense, me not initiating contact is easy. Not replying back, that's hard - thankfully he hasn't emailed or called lately, now if only he would stop his monthly unwelcome "visit".
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Old 05-19-2011, 05:57 PM
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Well, I'm living with my AH while we divorce, and it's essentially no contact... We don't talk about anything except the kids. There have been times when I tested the waters, so to speak, and try talking about us, or the drinking... And it NEVER, NEVER went any place good.

That has been the motivation I need to stick to no personal contact. I just plain old feel better when I don't engage... And you would too. Give it a try.
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Old 05-19-2011, 05:59 PM
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I know I personally couldn't go 'no contact' unless he thought it was best. I would just try to detach emotionally and have really clear boundaries. If that is too tough then yes, no contact would be best.

I can't imagine it would be easy. I think sometimes folks who go NC are too hard on themselves if they break contact, beat themselves up and a new cycle and entanglement with the alcoholic starts. I would go no contact when I know I am ready for it and it is the best thing and I could manage it.

For me it is about having boundaries. If I want to talk, fine, if it is too painful, I find other things to do. But no contact works if you need to really be free and clear of him in your life as he sorts out his. Nothing is easy, it is such an individual process but maybe the idea is to work towards no contact. When you are really ready, I think you will know what to do and how to handle it
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Old 05-19-2011, 06:27 PM
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I have to say I have been trying to go no contact myself and it had been very very difficult. Contacted him today like crazy actually. I've been feeling very weak and facing hard times in my family life. For me, the xabf is my closest and most trusted friend, somebody I've actually grown up with since birth and I really needed to make contact for my own personal sanity. Based off of what I read for you though, your situation seems quite different than mine. It seems like you have the support of friends and family and you have already built up a happy and stable life away from the x. He may be the one pushing for contact more than you are? I think if that is the case for you it would be appropriate to let him have some time to sort his life out. Even though he might not like going no contact and it will be very painful, it will ultimately help get through this better I think
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