m1k3

Hi,

Just wanted to do an initial post. I have an alcoholic wife who has had the problem for over 13 years. After her last binge about a month ago I finally hit bottom.

I freely admit that I have no control over her disease or behavior and its time I got off the merry go round. I have found an apartment and am moving out this weekend. I realize that I have to step back and give myself a chance to heal.

This has not been an easy process. I alternate from feeling relief that I am getting away from the insanity that is her life to guilt that I am deserting her. We have been married almost 36 years.

At this point in time I'm not looking to divorce her. I still love her I just can't live with her. She has started recovery again, mostly because our daughters have said she can't see her grandkids if she not making a real attempt to get better. I'm not sure that she sees herself as needing help and don't have much hope that this time will be different.

We had a long talk this morning where she was citing information from her rehab program where her depression, depression medicine, sleeping pills and so on were the cause of her problems and trying to get me to stay. She has been throwing the "if you loved me you wouldn't leave" around a lot also as well as "how can I recover if you won't support me".

I patiently tried to point out to her that I am leaving because I need to recover and I can't do it there. That I am not divorcing her but that I am willing to wait and see if she sticks to her program. I just can't stay in that apartment with her. It would not do either of us any good in getting better.

So Saturday I will move into my own place. I don't know where things will go from there and while I have little faith in her following through with the rehab I have a lot of hope that at least I will begin to live a normal life again.

Mike

stepsforward

Great step. Best of Luck to you

wanttobehealthy

Mike,
You're really strong and wise and taking care of yourself to do what you're doing. And it sounds like your daughters are wise and healthy as well to set the boundaries they have.

Welcome!

Cyranoak

Hi Mike,

Try Alanon too. Having been where you are with my own wife, I can say it was one of the best choices I ever made for myself.

Take care,

Cyranoak

ValJester

Hi,

Sounds like you are on the right path.

The "If you loved me, you wouldn't leave" does not hold water. The opposite is almost true from an enabling stand-point.

You can be supportive in the Al-Anon sense of offering understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. This does not mean you have to live with active addiction.

Many here will concurr with your "wait and see" approach.

Welcome!

m1k3

Thanks.

It's funny I don't feel wise or strong. This has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.

I appreciate the support.

m1k3

I've been to a couple of meetings. I'm more comfortable with online forums though.

So far my best therapy has been Brazilian Jiu Jitsu of all things. I've been training a little over a year now and since her last 'crash' as she puts it, I've up'ed my training to 3 times a week. My biggest issue is dealing with the anger and the intense physical training seems to burn it out of me. I think if I'm not living with her my stress levels will drop a lot.

As they say, one day at a time.

StarCat

In my case, this was so true.
It was rather disorienting at first. I started to miss him extra, because everything changed completely.
Then I finally figured out that I was so much calmer, more relaxed, able to think for myself, and even managed to save up a little money because he wasn't spending my money for me.
I wouldn't trade this serenity for anything.


Welcome to the forum.

sunshine321

You can be supportive of someone's recovery and not live with them. It's apples and oranges and more manipulative words. I wish you luck. You will enjoy the peace. Don't feel guilty for it. You need to heal in order to be of any help to her.

Peace,
Jen

fourmaggie

Mike, all the step work and slogan and literature does take time to absorb...it does not come all at once, that is why its called a LIFE CHANGE...

Al ANON will help in alot of areas...its one on one in real life
I am happy to see that yes, you are strong even though you dont see it...boundaries work if you keep at them...

the anger will go away in time, ask your HP for some help
for me anger is a waste of my time and MY ENERGY

jayscott

My AW used the same tactic the night before a scheduled custody hearing. She was drunk at the time. It's difficult to be supportive in some circumstances, and sometimes the distance makes it easier for both sides to gain some clarity.

LexieCat

Hi, Mike, and welcome.

Congrats on making a very tough decision. Sounds like you are doing it for all the right reasons.

This stuff ISN'T easy to decide. We WANT to be supportive. The problem is, sometimes the best support you can give is to step aside and let the other party learn to stand on her/his own two feet--allowing those who can REALLY help to steady her when necessary.

Sounds like the rest of the family is all on the same page, too. That will be a big help to both of you. Alliances and power struggles just bollix up the works.

Stick around, and yes, please do try Al-Anon.

sandrawg

"How can I recover if you won't support me"

Um hello, I'd turn that one right around on her. "How can I support you if you won't take a single step to recover"...ie, rehab, AA meetings, etc.

m1k3

The saga continues. I came home from work tonight only to be confronted with: " I brought up what you said this morning (at rehab) and they agree that if you are leaving you must not love me " .

As I expected she is not going to rehab to get better, she is going to reinforce her current world view. I'm not sure if I should bring this up to my daughters. This will only disconnect her more from the family.

As I am typing this I am seeing that I am falling into an enabling role by covering for her yet again. Yes our daughters need to see her as she really is. That is the only way they can make informed decisions about how they want to handle her interactions with their families.

God what a mess this is. I can't wait to be out of here.

One more night and then I'm free.

Brette

Mlk -- I am totally humbled by your eloquence and authenticity... If it means anything to you, you've scared me straight another day.... I'm 12 days sober in a few hours...

You've got an amazing support group in these threads -- and you're giving back to folks like me. May you find another day of truth and peace.

b

m1k3

Hi Brette, I'm glad I could help. Please stick with the program because you are worth it. We all have our demons to face.

Even though this is my first day posting here I have found that discussing issue like this can be very healing. I finally realize that I am not alone and no matter what she says I am on a path to recovery.

I find your sobriety something I too value. We can all help each other in dealing with difficult issues. Please continue on the course you have started. It is worthy and I applaud your effort.

Your friend,

Mike.

jamaicamecrazy

Good luck to you. I know it is a heart wrenching decision and it sounds like you are ready to live your own life. I know you are not giving up on her-just taking care of you. Al Anon helped me a great deal with that. I didn't know how to. I moved out on my own for the first time in 50 years and I was so scared and lonely and did not know where to turn. I felt I was being a burden to my family and friends. The people at Al Anon just knew what I had been through and I have learned so much. The forums are great too. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs. But do it for you. I know I was so aware of my crazy thinking and all the things I did to try and control the drinking. Once you take a step or two away you will see it from a different perspective.

ValJester

Mike, I think you will find openness with your daughters is the best policy.

As my therapist told me "They will draw their own conclusions anyway, and may in some way blame themselves".

I was surprised how well my 6 year old understood when it was explained in simple terms, and, while she was obviously affected by the whole experience of alcoholism in our family, she seems to have gotten relief from the understanding that is is her mother's illness and not her own shortcoming.

Once you have explained it to them, it will be one less thing for you to be anxious about!

StarCat

I'd like to mention here that just because she says that the people at rehab said that, doesn't mean they actually did.
When I was refusing to talk to XABF (before he earned the "X") unless he spoke to the work psychologist and followed through on his suggestions, he told me that he already did, and the psychologist told him, "If she doesn't care enough to stand by you now, then forget about her, she's not worth it."
I know that wasn't true, because the work psychologist had told me that he'd tell XABF he had to go to inpatient rehab. He'd even given me a list of times he'd be available to meet with XABF over the Christmas holidays, since I was speaking to him on the day before Christmas break.

XABF finally did go in to meet him on Christmas morning, and went to inpatient rehab that afternoon. Unfortunately, he didn't get better as a result - but I did get better, in my time away from him. His rehab was exactly what I needed.

fourmaggie

I totally agree with StarCat on this quote, you have to remember she IS an alcoholic/addict they manuliplate EVERYTHING...because they want to put blame on someone or something...THIS IS WHAT THEY DO....dont by into it...

look for some of the famous threads here "QUACKERs" is good, it gives all the excuses NOT to quit drinking...what else, there is one more, and its a stickie, what normies wouldnt do...there is more to suggest on this., anyone here can add one, just no more is coming to mind....