Danielle1

My addict bf has been out of the house 1 month . After 2.5yr of living with his active drug use ,it was time for me to try something different. I started going yo Alanon off and on last 2 yrs , and since feb 2011 make meetings regularly got a sponsor and am slowly working the steps .. I am curious to know when ur loved one is so deep in their addiction and I have put my life on hold praying and hoping he is gonna get better.. I wonder if I am in denial? We have two little boys together he has seen maybe three times since he left.... I saw him tonight breifly, he's lost 20+lbs.. His pupils were huge, and he was making light of the whole drug use.. And Im looking the man I love disappearing and all I see is a shell..I see a selfish skitzy drug addict( a stranger ) .. How do I let go and accept , he's not doing anything to get better and im not even sure he wants too ? I do love him , but I love me too .. I want to do right by my children and make good decsions, because for so long I made horrible choices and accepted terrible treatment.. I would appreciate any suggestions ... Thanks for helping

LaPinturaBella

Sounds like a horrible and stressful situation. To accept is to see that this is who he is. You can't change...even if it would make him a healthier person. And, get ready, this one was huge for me...Acceptance does not equal approval.

Sit with that for a while and really let the concept sink in. It made letting go of all sorts of things so much easier once I "got" this concept.

You are doing the right thing for you and your kids. Come here whenever you feel you need to talk.

sunshine321

Wow, that is hard and I'm sorry you are going through that. At least you've gotten some distance although I know it must be hard to see him and equally as hard when he doesn't see the children. For me acceptance of the fact that the A's in our lives may never choose to find recovery and get healthy was something that helped me. I needed to remember it's not my life, it's theirs to choose to do with what they want. I know it's hard but we only have control over our own life and the paths we decide to take. Hands off others. I have taken control of mine and for that I am grateful.

Peace,
Jen

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I prayed and hoped for so long and unfortuantely, in my situation the DANCE just continued and now I have to leave. Keep praying that you will find PEACE and HAPPINESS in your Life and try and give him to his HP. That is what I started to do and it does help.

Danielle1

Thank you for the responses and thoughts I never understood women who stayed in a relationship where they weren't respected and treated abusively emotional or physical. I thought they could just leave , why would they stay , can't they see their self worth and they don't deserve to be treated that way.... NOW I KNOW !!!! I am that woman .. Let me rephrase I was that woman , and with faith and prayer to my hp I will continue to find strength to keep my life moving forward overall

lightseeker

Danielle,

Even though you are struggling you are so brave and wonderful. Addiction is a nasty nasty thing. You are absolutely doing the best thing for your and your children. Even if he were sober it would be a long while before he was anywhere close to stabilized.

I struggled to understand abused women who stayed too - until I became one. It is a horrible/terrible dynamic...full of "power over", manipulation, hot and cold. I am leaving my husband next week and I am on a real roller coaster with it all. I left him once but took him back because I still loved him. This time I am leaving and will not be back.

I am sending you and your kids thoughts and prayers. Keep going to Alanon and work the steps.....it takes time but I can promise you that it really does work.

Hugs....

Danielle1

Thank you so much, and u will be in thoughts and prayers as well. Addiction takes so much collateral damage . It's like a avalanche it takes out everything in it's path and I can choose to stand and try to brace it or move out of the way ..

StarCat

Be strong, be safe.
I love my life now, without him constantly controlling my every move, belittling me, and without his abusive verbal tirades.
I appreciate the little things in life so much more now than I ever did.

You are doing the right thing.

That said, please be safe. If he knows your typical routine, it might be a good idea to change it, as well.
Mine is still in "minor stalker" mode. I only use the word minor because he only tries to contact me once a month, and gives up when he doesn't find me within ~20 minutes. It doesn't feel "minor" to me.

Even so, contact with him once a month (especially when I spot him before he can spot me, so I can slip away) is so much better than living with his abusiveness every single day.

wanttobehealthy

You're doing the right thing-- I'm struggling with the same sadness of grieving the thought that it could be better...

Like you, I used to wonder why women stayed and "let" themselves be treated so badly... Then I realized I was that woman. I am not staying anymore but I certainly am not detached as well as I'd like to be...

I think we all have ups and downs and days we feel stronger than others but with your plan of faith, prayer and strength to move fwd, it sounds like you're on the right track...

Danielle1

It's nice to have the support here i am very grateful for all the support, strength and courage comes from within and is grown with love and that's what I get from here so thank you

Thumper

I've posted this before but it helped me so much that I'm going to post it again. I used a lot of visualization - especially in the very beginning when I had such trouble articulating my feelings. I stayed a very long time after I wanted out. I had left our relationship emotionally a long long time before I left physically but there was still things keeping me there, making it so hard for me to leave. I was so exhausted and so confused I didn't think I could hold on much longer. Living and loving an alcoholic is like running in quicksand. You run and you run and you run but you never get further away from the bad or closer to the good. You just sink and find it more and more difficult to breath as the quicksand closes in. I had to find a way to get out of that quicksand.

The visualization...

My husband was a man that was drowning. He was treading water with a cement brick (alcoholism) on his foot. I was holding on to one of his hands trying to save us both. But I could not. I was getting so tired that I was dipping below the surface. I was scared and no matter how hard and fast I was swimming I was drowning right along with him. I had one hand and in his other hand he had a key. Only he had the key and only he could reach down and unlock that brick. I turned my head and saw my children on the shore, lost and alone and afraid watching their parents dip below the surface. My heart was breaking and this is where I pictured myself kissing his hand, and letting it go. I let it all go and I turned and swam to shore - swam to my children.

That visualization really kept me going. We stand on shore together now, and pray that he reaches down and unlocks the brick forever. It is sad but they are no longer lost, afraid, and alone. They have me now, finally hanging on to *their* hands.

Danielle1

Addiction is such a rollercoaster of emotions , leading to manipulation and inabilityoro express true feelings and communicate... The disease attacks not only the addict but all involved. I know for me I become just as nuts as he does when I was full in the battle with him ... Fighting tooth and nail to destroy this enemy .. And the truth is there is no protection from a nuclear explosion xcept to be out if the way ... Far far far far away