Hello, Im new & want to say hi...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Hello, Im new & want to say hi...
Hi everyone,
Im new to SR, but not to recovery. Ive been a grateful member of Al Anon & NarAnon for 15 years. I just found this forum a week ago and very glad I did. The people here seem so wonderfully warm and gratious.
Life is going a bit sad lately for me. I just realized a month ago that I had been in a whole new denial about my former husband, an Alcoholic. I divorced him when I realized I had fallen out of love (Long seperated due to his drinking). When he finally did get sober (4 yrs ago), we became good friends. Actually, great friends and I just came to realize that I had become emotionally dependant on him. Wow,,,,,denial really is a warm blanket,,,,that can ruin my life. I just spent a full 3 weeks in a physically and emotionally withdrawal that I consider to be equal to that of an A going thru withdrawal, with panic attacks, nausea, loss of appetite, hot flashes, crying jags etc.
Luckily, I have a sponsor with the wisdom of Job and a large Al-Anon support group who loved me back to life. Went to 10 meetings a week, still do LOL, and gradually am coming back.
The sadness of my decision to detach from him is great. I know, however, that it is what is best for me at the moment. Its odd how when I divorced him I went through no suffering of this kind,,,I had gradually let go of him over the years and suppose by that time, I was in full acceptance.
In his sobriety he became a lovely man,,,,better than I could have hoped for,,,,,so if nothing else,,,Id like you all to know that people can and do change themselves,,,in thier own time,,,and can become beautiful again. Im finding that out about myself right now. I just have to keep remembering that growth cannot occur without pain. When Im in pain, I become very "teachable".
Thanks for listening,,,Im very glad to be here,,,to be "home".
With much love,
Christina
Im new to SR, but not to recovery. Ive been a grateful member of Al Anon & NarAnon for 15 years. I just found this forum a week ago and very glad I did. The people here seem so wonderfully warm and gratious.
Life is going a bit sad lately for me. I just realized a month ago that I had been in a whole new denial about my former husband, an Alcoholic. I divorced him when I realized I had fallen out of love (Long seperated due to his drinking). When he finally did get sober (4 yrs ago), we became good friends. Actually, great friends and I just came to realize that I had become emotionally dependant on him. Wow,,,,,denial really is a warm blanket,,,,that can ruin my life. I just spent a full 3 weeks in a physically and emotionally withdrawal that I consider to be equal to that of an A going thru withdrawal, with panic attacks, nausea, loss of appetite, hot flashes, crying jags etc.
Luckily, I have a sponsor with the wisdom of Job and a large Al-Anon support group who loved me back to life. Went to 10 meetings a week, still do LOL, and gradually am coming back.
The sadness of my decision to detach from him is great. I know, however, that it is what is best for me at the moment. Its odd how when I divorced him I went through no suffering of this kind,,,I had gradually let go of him over the years and suppose by that time, I was in full acceptance.
In his sobriety he became a lovely man,,,,better than I could have hoped for,,,,,so if nothing else,,,Id like you all to know that people can and do change themselves,,,in thier own time,,,and can become beautiful again. Im finding that out about myself right now. I just have to keep remembering that growth cannot occur without pain. When Im in pain, I become very "teachable".
Thanks for listening,,,Im very glad to be here,,,to be "home".
With much love,
Christina
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Welcome, Christina!! I'm glad you are here!
You have just taught me something...life continues to throw curves at you and it is necessary to be consistently diligent in your recovery. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this type of loss. I can see how it is much harder than before. As you said, in the past you just gradually let things get worse until you were out of love.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Please keep coming back!
Kitkat
You have just taught me something...life continues to throw curves at you and it is necessary to be consistently diligent in your recovery. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this type of loss. I can see how it is much harder than before. As you said, in the past you just gradually let things get worse until you were out of love.
You are in my thoughts and prayers! Please keep coming back!
Kitkat
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Welcome Christina! I have been coming here for almost two years and it has been a real lifeline. Thanks for sharing your experience, I too will have to be diligent about not getting dependant on someone else. I could relate to your description of your pain. Keep sharing here where people care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Thank you KitKat and Rose for the warm welcome and encoraging words.I sure need them now.
I so look forward to being able to share with you good people here and reading your words of experience, strength and hope.
Love to all!
I so look forward to being able to share with you good people here and reading your words of experience, strength and hope.
Love to all!
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
I have to admit that I don't get it.
Why would you need to detach from a warm, lovely, beautiful, man?
I don't see why your issues should preclude you from having a healthy relationship-in fact, now that you are both in recovery, I would think that a relationship such as this might be a blessing.
One of the greatest things I get from recovery is that I no longer have to think or behave in terms of black and white or either/or.
It can be "both/and" today. And thats what a day at a time is all about...
It's ok to love again. We're allowed.
Why would you need to detach from a warm, lovely, beautiful, man?
I don't see why your issues should preclude you from having a healthy relationship-in fact, now that you are both in recovery, I would think that a relationship such as this might be a blessing.
One of the greatest things I get from recovery is that I no longer have to think or behave in terms of black and white or either/or.
It can be "both/and" today. And thats what a day at a time is all about...
It's ok to love again. We're allowed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Perhaps you didnt read my post fully,,,I said that I had become dependant, or addicted to him....and that isnt healthy, at least not for me.
I divorced him, yet never became independant emotionally on my own. Relying on him to fulfill my emotional needs when I need to reply on myself. He became my higher power which enabled my disease.....He is a great man,,,,however, I am not great being addicted to him.
Its kinda like a food addict,,,,,how do you totally abstain from food when you need it to survive?
I divorced him, yet never became independant emotionally on my own. Relying on him to fulfill my emotional needs when I need to reply on myself. He became my higher power which enabled my disease.....He is a great man,,,,however, I am not great being addicted to him.
Its kinda like a food addict,,,,,how do you totally abstain from food when you need it to survive?
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Christina,
It is not humanly possible to be emotionally "independant. We have to depend on others for our emotional needs. As "social animals", thats how we were built.
The fact is that we are not supposed to fully abstain from others.
Boundaries, yes. Self-awareness and self-love, of course. But to think that we can rely on ourselves emotionally would mean that we are robots.
It is not humanly possible to be emotionally "independant. We have to depend on others for our emotional needs. As "social animals", thats how we were built.
The fact is that we are not supposed to fully abstain from others.
Boundaries, yes. Self-awareness and self-love, of course. But to think that we can rely on ourselves emotionally would mean that we are robots.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Yeah, what Jon said.
On a recent episode of "Joan of Arcadia"...
Joan is mad at God about the fact that people we love die. She says to Him,
"So what? I should just not get attached to people?"
God replies,
"Oh no, you have to get attached. I put that in the recipe."
An unhealthy dependence on another is not good. But I don't think that means that you have to cut all ties with that person. I think it just means that you have to learn to love them in a healthy way. Then you can have a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
All just my humble opinion.
Peace,
Gabe
Joan is mad at God about the fact that people we love die. She says to Him,
"So what? I should just not get attached to people?"
God replies,
"Oh no, you have to get attached. I put that in the recipe."
An unhealthy dependence on another is not good. But I don't think that means that you have to cut all ties with that person. I think it just means that you have to learn to love them in a healthy way. Then you can have a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
All just my humble opinion.
Peace,
Gabe
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Christina,
I understood what you meant. Emotionally dependent is ok, it's when we become addicted or obsessed with another person that it becomes a problem.
I'm dealing with obsessive issues w/my husband, and you're right, it's hard to break the obsession when the person is still in your life. I've been realllly struggling too. But what's going to work for me is releasing him as my HP and making God my HP. I also had to accept that this relationship could end, and even if it does, it does not mean the end of me. And whatever happens, my issues have to be dealt with, otherwise the pattern will continue in future relationships.
Thanks for being here and sharing your story with us.
Hugs,
JG
I understood what you meant. Emotionally dependent is ok, it's when we become addicted or obsessed with another person that it becomes a problem.
I'm dealing with obsessive issues w/my husband, and you're right, it's hard to break the obsession when the person is still in your life. I've been realllly struggling too. But what's going to work for me is releasing him as my HP and making God my HP. I also had to accept that this relationship could end, and even if it does, it does not mean the end of me. And whatever happens, my issues have to be dealt with, otherwise the pattern will continue in future relationships.
Thanks for being here and sharing your story with us.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Thank you, JG, for your support. Its wonderful to know someone understands first hand. I know what Jon means by not being a robot,,,my problem was I was so much of a robot TO my ex,,,,typical codie behavior....did what he wanted, worried about his needs,,,enabling him to his financial probs.
Its funny,,,I felt like I wasnt in love with him, yet I didnt like it when he dated. I didnt always want to be around him, yet I wondered where he was at times.
The words obsession describes it all,,,,,I used to say "He is addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to him".
When I went thru the terrible withdrawals recently, I knew it was true. My goal is not to be dependant, not to be independant, but to be "Inter-dependant",,so that when I do enter another relationship, I still have ME left.....
Just do the next right thing....for today!
Its funny,,,I felt like I wasnt in love with him, yet I didnt like it when he dated. I didnt always want to be around him, yet I wondered where he was at times.
The words obsession describes it all,,,,,I used to say "He is addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to him".
When I went thru the terrible withdrawals recently, I knew it was true. My goal is not to be dependant, not to be independant, but to be "Inter-dependant",,so that when I do enter another relationship, I still have ME left.....
Just do the next right thing....for today!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Jon
Just read your quote re: Prayer and MEDication! Love it,,,all month long at meetings Ive chaired, I was soooo worried Id slip and say the MED word instead of MEDITATION.......sometimes medication is ok,,,as in chocolate, cheesecake and shopping...in moderation, of course :P
Just read your quote re: Prayer and MEDication! Love it,,,all month long at meetings Ive chaired, I was soooo worried Id slip and say the MED word instead of MEDITATION.......sometimes medication is ok,,,as in chocolate, cheesecake and shopping...in moderation, of course :P
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Shopping? In moderation??? And how does one do THAT???
Look, if I'm going to binge these days, I at least want some tags to cut off, some bags filled with stuff, some receipts for returning, and awhole bunch of stuff to try on.
Oh, and I'm straight.
LOL
Look, if I'm going to binge these days, I at least want some tags to cut off, some bags filled with stuff, some receipts for returning, and awhole bunch of stuff to try on.
Oh, and I'm straight.
LOL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
LMAO!
A man who likes to shop? And a straight one at that???WOW!
You are a rarity,,think we need to notify Ripley's.
Bought 3 pairs of pants and a sweater other day for total of $28..at Marshall's.....THATS how I do things in moderation...By being a cheapskate!
but like Stuart Smalley (Very famous fictional multiple 12 stepper) says...." Im Worth it!"
A man who likes to shop? And a straight one at that???WOW!
You are a rarity,,think we need to notify Ripley's.
Bought 3 pairs of pants and a sweater other day for total of $28..at Marshall's.....THATS how I do things in moderation...By being a cheapskate!
but like Stuart Smalley (Very famous fictional multiple 12 stepper) says...." Im Worth it!"
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