I don't want this
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Alone22 
Leaving him would be such a huge change in my kids lives and my life that it is very overwhelming to me. I have NO support period. Trying to go back to a career that I left 11 years ago would not be easy, trying to figure out how my kids will get to school and who will watch them until I can get home could be hard. Trying to juggle a full time job and 3 kids alone would be difficult. Is it impossible? No, but it would be stressful and I wonder if it would be any more stressful that what I already have. So right now it seems like there are no right answers. I feel like no matter if I stay or go I will be under a huge amount of stress. Finding peace and serenity is going to be hard and I am really upset with myself that I am where I am. Could things be worse? You bet and I am very thankful the are not. BUT I still feel trapped knowing there is no answer which seems right. AND I am fearful where my AH illness will take him.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
onathread..thank you and I hear ya. Good side for me is that I do have a degree and I do think that I would be able to go back to the career I left 11 years ago. It will be like starting over and I would only make about half of what I could be making had I not left. Between my work, child support and alimony I think I will be okay financially. I have a friend in the business who has been encouraging me to come back (and she has no clue about my marriage being in so much trouble). Very likely I could get a job where she is at.
I have thought about getting a part time job but nothing seems to fit in with my kids. The school hours here are very strange on Wed. for some unknown reason. I keep my eyes open so if something that fits is open I would apply for it.
I have thought about getting a part time job but nothing seems to fit in with my kids. The school hours here are very strange on Wed. for some unknown reason. I keep my eyes open so if something that fits is open I would apply for it.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Alone22
CRX...I'm trying I can promise you that. I read like crazy, go to alanon and see a therapist, but at the end of it all I will still be married to a person who can't give me what I need from him (unless he can truly find recovery, which I just don't see happening). I can find my boundaries, understand his illness, not take things so personally, find happiness and peace without needing him etc, but being with him will never be normal. Leaving him would be such a huge change in my kids lives and my life that it is very overwhelming to me. I have NO support period. Trying to go back to a career that I left 11 years ago would not be easy, trying to figure out how my kids will get to school and who will watch them until I can get home could be hard. Trying to juggle a full time job and 3 kids alone would be difficult. Is it impossible? No, but it would be stressful and I wonder if it would be any more stressful that what I already have. So right now it seems like there are no right answers. I feel like no matter if I stay or go I will be under a huge amount of stress. Finding peace and serenity is going to be hard and I am really upset with myself that I am where I am. Could things be worse? You bet and I am very thankful the are not. BUT I still feel trapped knowing there is no answer which seems right. AND I am fearful where my AH illness will take him.
You say that leaving him will be such a huge change in your kids lives -- OK. But what about staying? Is it safe for them? Healthy? Those are questions that only you can answer. Certainly not me or anyone else here.
You talk about what and how stressful leaving would be, re-establishing your life, and so on. You then ask whether it would be more stressful than what you already have. Again, only you can answer that. But I do know one thing -- your kids deserve one sane and healthy parent -- you!!!
However, here is what I do know. It is not a snapshot. You can't compare leaving vs. staying as just today/staying and tomorrow/leaving. You have to look at this in a much bigger picture. What do I mean by this? Stressful to stay and stressful to leave. OK -- the stressful you talk about going through in leaving will be the beginning of building a new life for you and your kids and that life will be healthy, happy and getting better everyday. The "stressful" you already have, today, can and will (most probably) be getting worse everyday. As you said, you are fearful where AH's illness will take him -- more importantly, where will it take you? Where will it take your kids?
Stop being upset with yourself. We have all been there. Get past being upset. It's OK. You are doing a very good job. Keep working on yourself. Be there for the kids. The answers will come. You will find peace and serenity -- if you keep going to meetings, doing your readings, and focusing on yourself. Certain parts of this may not work out the way you want them to, but you will be OK with that.
All the best.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Meetings are not classes. It's not like, going to the meetings will fix you.
Eventually, people's ESH and the concepts they share will start to sink in with you. When you're ready, hopefully you can find a sponsor to help you work thru the steps. Its a gradual process of recovery for YOU. Not so you can "be better for your AH." There is NO "normal" when you're with an alcoholic. Life is NEVER "normal." Al-anon and the steps are coping TOOLS. "IT works if you work it," as they say.
What worked for me was just the reminders and repetition of the Serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...THAT ALONE carries so much potential for peace in it.
Eventually, people's ESH and the concepts they share will start to sink in with you. When you're ready, hopefully you can find a sponsor to help you work thru the steps. Its a gradual process of recovery for YOU. Not so you can "be better for your AH." There is NO "normal" when you're with an alcoholic. Life is NEVER "normal." Al-anon and the steps are coping TOOLS. "IT works if you work it," as they say.
What worked for me was just the reminders and repetition of the Serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...THAT ALONE carries so much potential for peace in it.
Originally Posted by onathread
I have just started going to meetings since his last episode. I have been to 2 so far. It is helpful to talk about how things there, but so far I haven't learned too much about what I should do differently. I know I am not "normal". I feel like I have done all kinds of things a normal person would not do, just out the need to survive and hold our family together. I have often felt like I was losing my sanity, trying to be superwoman and failing.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
Some days I can cope with all this, and some days it's really hard. Right now, it's all the financial consequences of him not working for a couple of years. He has a job right now, but we're in a pit from all that time. Every day is a struggle. I'm bitter. Wish I could accept the reality of it and find peace.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Think about these "what if" when you're pondering out all those imaginary worst-case scenarios.
WHAT IF you leave, and you don't have to put up with your AH's abuse anymore.
WHAT IF you leave, and your kids begin THRIVING because they no longer have to tolerate the chaos of living in an alcoholic household.
WHAT IF you leave, and down the road when you've made progress in your recovery, you meet someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated?
WHAT IF you leave, and that leads to you figuring out who YOU are...all the time and energy you're investing in someone you cannot fix, could be invested in YOU...
WHAT IF you find a new career. Discover a new hobby that makes you happy. Make new friends who care about you and bring richness to your life?
Why can't you see the potential GOOD things about leaving instead of just the worst case scenarios?
WHAT IF you leave, and you don't have to put up with your AH's abuse anymore.
WHAT IF you leave, and your kids begin THRIVING because they no longer have to tolerate the chaos of living in an alcoholic household.
WHAT IF you leave, and down the road when you've made progress in your recovery, you meet someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated?
WHAT IF you leave, and that leads to you figuring out who YOU are...all the time and energy you're investing in someone you cannot fix, could be invested in YOU...
WHAT IF you find a new career. Discover a new hobby that makes you happy. Make new friends who care about you and bring richness to your life?
Why can't you see the potential GOOD things about leaving instead of just the worst case scenarios?
Originally Posted by Alone22
There is a part of me that really feels like once I figure it all out and if the right thing to do is to leave my marriage it will fall into place. I get really caught up in the "what ifs" and some days I can feel myself just going over the edge (dang PMS isn't helping either). I made myself a promise to take one year to get myself healthy and then see how I feel about my marriage. Here and there I think about how it would work if I did leave. I look at townhouses/condos, try to think of types of after school care for my kids, etc. On my stronger days I feel like I would have no issues taking it on, that it would work out and everyone would be fine....but the past few days I feel weak and the what if's are strong in my head. I keep telling myself that just work on today and when I feel stronger work on the future.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Alone22
There is a part of me that really feels like once I figure it all out and if the right thing to do is to leave my marriage it will fall into place. I get really caught up in the "what ifs" and some days I can feel myself just going over the edge (dang PMS isn't helping either). I made myself a promise to take one year to get myself healthy and then see how I feel about my marriage. Here and there I think about how it would work if I did leave. I look at townhouses/condos, try to think of types of after school care for my kids, etc. On my stronger days I feel like I would have no issues taking it on, that it would work out and everyone would be fine....but the past few days I feel weak and the what if's are strong in my head. I keep telling myself that just work on today and when I feel stronger work on the future.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
The one decision I came to today is to take back over the finances and bill paying. Not so that I can monitor my AH, but to know where we stand. About twice a year (now being one of those times) there seems to be less money in the bank than I thought and AH and I always get into a heated argument about it. If I take care of it I will just know and there will be no more guess work or arguments about it. I am going to start by looking over the past year of incoming and outgoing money. My gut tells me I am not going to be happy with what I find out, but it needs to be done.
So . . . do the next thing in front of you. One thing. The next thing. Then when you are done, move on to the next item on the list. You are doing the right things.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by sandrawg
Why can't you see the potential GOOD things about leaving instead of just the worst case scenarios?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I think it's the same thing that keeps the alcoholic drinking.
What we are living now, miserable and sick as it is, is comfortable.
Jumping into the unknown in the hopes of a better life is scary.
We only do it when we reach our own bottom, when our current life is more uncomfortable than the fear of a different, better life.
What we are living now, miserable and sick as it is, is comfortable.
Jumping into the unknown in the hopes of a better life is scary.
We only do it when we reach our own bottom, when our current life is more uncomfortable than the fear of a different, better life.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Thanks to each of you who have given such great words of wisdom! I think I have one of the better behaved A on this board. He is not abusive, just can be really difficult to be around, is not supportive and does not provide the type of love and trustworthiness I would like to have. My kids are thriving (academically excellent and socially really good) and if I thought for one minute them living with AH was causing them harm I would be out. He is a good dad, but not a good spouse. I am an adult child from an AF, so I know first hand what that is like and my marriage, my AH is no where close to what I was raised in. If my AH gets to the point where it is not healthy for my kids I will be out of here (but that doesn't mean he is out of their lives so if he gets bad there will be fall out for our kids. Leaving would just lessen the negative consequences).
I do think about the positive "what ifs" too, otherwise I would never be thinking about leaving. As Starcat indicated "Jumping into the unknown in the hopes of a better life is scary" nails it right on the head. That is why I am in the process of healing myself via Alanon, therapy and reading. Things I find stressful now living with my AH may not be so stressful once I have better coping skills. Once I have great boundaries in place I am hopeful that it will help me get to a stronger place emotionally. I believe for my kids I need to see if I can reach a place of health and stay married. If I can't reach that place of health being married to my AH or if things deteriorate to the point it is harmful for my kids (or me) , then I know it will be time to move on.
AH knows he is an A, he has been in and out of recovery several times, this is the first time he does not have me in his way of finding recovery. Just by understanding more about his illness and using some of the skills I have learned through alanon things around here are calmer. I think my plan to give it a year and then see what needs to be done seems wise. I might just get lucky and through me finding recovery he might too, but I am fully aware he might not and I am not holding out all hope that he will.
I do think about the positive "what ifs" too, otherwise I would never be thinking about leaving. As Starcat indicated "Jumping into the unknown in the hopes of a better life is scary" nails it right on the head. That is why I am in the process of healing myself via Alanon, therapy and reading. Things I find stressful now living with my AH may not be so stressful once I have better coping skills. Once I have great boundaries in place I am hopeful that it will help me get to a stronger place emotionally. I believe for my kids I need to see if I can reach a place of health and stay married. If I can't reach that place of health being married to my AH or if things deteriorate to the point it is harmful for my kids (or me) , then I know it will be time to move on.
AH knows he is an A, he has been in and out of recovery several times, this is the first time he does not have me in his way of finding recovery. Just by understanding more about his illness and using some of the skills I have learned through alanon things around here are calmer. I think my plan to give it a year and then see what needs to be done seems wise. I might just get lucky and through me finding recovery he might too, but I am fully aware he might not and I am not holding out all hope that he will.
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