Blogs


Notices

Where's the man I married?

Old 05-18-2011, 10:56 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Where's the man I married?

Today, its raining and gloomy outside.
Really trying to hold back tears today...

Woke up this morning, looked out the back door & saw his
truck parked in the driveway.

I stood there staring at his truck, I almost could see
him sitting in it.

I almost saw his face smiling at me and I could hear
his voice, say " Good Morning Baby Doll "

Thinking about his big arms wrapping me up and holding me.

Thinking back to when we first met

Thinking back to what a good step dad he was, when the kids
were little. The freaking Christmas trees & vacations...

The man I married would of never hurt me, he would of never
let us get in a finanacial mess, he would of never said mean
things to me or the kids, he would of loved me forever.

The man I married would of never let this happen to us...

Where did he go?
I married my superman, my best friend...

Just my sad thoughts today. Had to share..
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 19 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (05-18-2011), bookwyrm (05-18-2011), cfp (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), ItsmeAlice (05-18-2011), jackien41 (05-18-2011), lillamy (05-18-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), luli2979 (05-21-2011), Paintbaby (05-21-2011), sailorjohn (05-18-2011), StarCat (05-18-2011), SteppingUp (05-20-2011), sunshine321 (05-18-2011), Thumper (05-18-2011), Tuffgirl (05-18-2011), UrbanCowgirl1 (05-20-2011), wanttobehealthy (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:05 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 91
You should print that off and give it to him. Very touching.
jimmydean is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jimmydean For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:21 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
It is a sad disease. It takes really great people and destroys them and anyone around them. My AH used to be sweet, loving and a tower of self esteem. He now is a grumpy, self centered, depressed person who has a hard time finding happiness. I'm not sure where the man I married is either.
Alone22 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Alone22 For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), sunshine321 (05-18-2011), wanttobehealthy (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:41 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
This is a good thread-- it's sad, but honest and we can't be strong and gung ho all the time...

The man I married loved to debate, think, talk, read, hike, run, cook... He was bright both intellectually and in spirit. He made my heart beat a little faster when I saw him. I loved spending time with him even when we were doing nothing. He was my best friend, I was eager to share stories with him, my hopes, fears, dreams. I felt safe with him. I felt we complemented each other. He took pride in his appearance, he complimented me, we challenged each other (in good ways).

Now he is overweight, cares nothing about his health, has a dull listless look in his eyes that he doesn't realize is there at all. He had the most vibrant blue eyes and now they are a dull gray. He has no hobbies, interests, friends. He spends his free time texting his brother (an A) and drinking, smoking and lying about all the above. He's depressed and angry.

It's all so sad.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), forgotten1 (05-19-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), onathread (05-18-2011), StarCat (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:44 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Makes me hate the disease that is alcoholism.
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), StarCat (05-18-2011), wanttobehealthy (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
Funny, I just said this to someone yesterday... my AXH thinks I hate him. And I do, at times. But I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for him.He's not evil. He has very clear ideas of right and wrong; his world doesn't have a lot of gray; he is just incapable of placing his own actions into that context and see that it's just as hurtful for him to call me a ******* *****, yell at me, tell me I'm so fat he's ashamed of being seen on the beach with me, as it is if someone else does it -- in fact, more hurtful.

The more I learn about alcoholism, the scarier it gets. And the more my admiration deepens for the people who do manage to get out of that pit. AXH was on his feet, he was sober six months and proud... stopped going to meetings... stopped seeing his sponsor... I don't know for a fact that he's drinking again, but our youngest asked if I thought he was, because "he's just as angry and yells just as much now as he used to do when you were married." And that was not the case the six months he was sober. He was pitiful and blaming me for everything under the sun -- but he was sad, not angry.

I said for years that "alcoholism is only one aspect of his personality" and I defended him when people asked why I stayed with him. Because it's true. But it is a progressive disease. If you don't get treatment, help, support -- it only goes one direction. The alcoholic ate everything else he was. Even before the really scary event that finally woke me up enough that I left, I knew that the man I met and fell in love with had been eaten by this disease. I knew he wasn't coming back. As much as I would have liked him to.
lillamy is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), BuffaloGal (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), forgotten1 (05-19-2011), jayscott (05-20-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), Mimic (05-20-2011), sunshine321 (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
eaglette's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Well put, lilamy. Watching addiction "eat" my ex was the worst experience I have ever gone through. For the longest time I saw glimpses of his "true" self shine through, seeming to be pleading with me for help. Gradually, the glimpses became fewer and farther between until I realized that the soul of the man I loved was no longer there at all and had been displaced completely by addiction.
eaglette is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to eaglette For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), forgotten1 (05-19-2011), jayscott (05-20-2011), lillamy (05-18-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 11:58 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
It is very sad. It reminds me of this song - I've been fascinated with it lately. When I first heard it, I was reminded about how I made choices and life changed so much for me, and I didn't realize it happened so slowly. I think it makes sense with this post too. Our loved ones fade away into the abyss of alcoholism and it is sad beyond words. I watched the video on YouTube recently and got yet another take - the children pay dearly. It took me too long to really get that.

Slow Fade by Casting Crowns

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Thumper is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), lillamy (05-18-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 01:54 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I said for years that "alcoholism is only one aspect of his personality" and I defended him when people asked why I stayed with him. Because it's true. But it is a progressive disease. If you don't get treatment, help, support -- it only goes one direction. The alcoholic ate everything else he was. Even before the really scary event that finally woke me up enough that I left, I knew that the man I met and fell in love with had been eaten by this disease. I knew he wasn't coming back. As much as I would have liked him to.
Things I needed to hear today. Thank you.
Florence is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Florence For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-18-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), wanttobehealthy (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 04:05 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
As the day has drug on...so have I

My AH calls my work phone, I was shocked it was him
It was nice to hear his voice, being honest

After my mood since this morning. It was hard to hold
a conversation with him.

He wanted to know if I still loved him
He told me he didnt want to sign the divorce papers
because he still loved me

Then he asked me if I still loved him...
I told him YES, I will always love you, but
Im not in love with you,
Im in love with the person I married, and that is not you today.
I dont even know who you are anymore.

He told me he was going to AA now.
And he has been sober for 30 days now.

Obviously he doesnt know I talked with his brother on Monday.
After he was drunk all weekend long

I told him all phone calls need to be directed thru the lawyer
No more phone calls at work. I can not be bothered at work
and I will no longer take his calls. The cell phones are all blocked.

He gulped in some tears and I told him Im sorry, I have to go on with my life.
I wished him a great recovery.

Then he switched the conversation to the weather
(OMG!!! He changed as fast as the speed of sound)

OH MY......Im so glad this day is almost over!!!
BobbyJ is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to BobbyJ For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (05-18-2011), Florence (05-18-2011), ItsmeAlice (05-18-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), StarCat (05-18-2011), Thumper (05-18-2011), wanttobehealthy (05-18-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 04:29 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Hugs to you. I feel the same way this evening. Missing the person who I could come home to, made me laugh, comforted me. I saw him from a different perspective this weekend. He cannot see beyond himself. Beyond his next drink. He has put alcohol between himself and all the people he says are important to him. It is heart breaking.
jamaicamecrazy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jamaicamecrazy For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011)
Old 05-18-2011, 04:30 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
OH MY......Im so glad this day is almost over!!!
Me, too. Today has sucked. Or maybe I am also just an emotional basketcase...been on the verge of tears and feeling victimized by everyone. I think its time to go home and be alone...

Oh - its a full moon! Never mind...life makes sense again...
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011), ItsmeAlice (05-18-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 02:48 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 12
I understand where you are coming from. I look back on the seven years I was with my XABF and remember all the good times. The fun we used to have. Even the little things, like late night, random drives just because we could. The road trips and the fun we had hanging out with friends. then I see him now, slumped on the couch, all the color out of him when he used to be so vibrant, next to a half consumed bottle of liquor. And I wonder, where did my soulmate go? This guy looks like him, but he's not him at all. Sometimes it honestly feels like he died.
Mimic is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Mimic For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 03:14 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
SteppingUp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
I hear you.

The woman I married was energetic, kind, wickedly smart and always a comfort to be with. We totally 'got' each other.

Every once in a while I see her. But after that third tumbler of wine she's angry, confrontational and mean. I never know what is going to set her off but inevitably something does. I don't feel emotionally safe around her.

We have the most wonderful connection when she's sober but I can't relate to her at all when she's drinking.
SteppingUp is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to SteppingUp For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 04:00 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
It is so sad what the disease does to them and they do not even see it. Mine too was my best friend, lover, biggest fan and made me laugh all the time. I also felt so safe in his arms and loved our rides in the car on the way home from a skiing trip. It was those kind of rides that the two of you would really connect and feel so safe. This disease is just so baffling that words can not even describe what it does to them and their familes. I wish there was a cure for it.
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to JACKRUSSELLGIRL For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 04:42 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
jayscott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
My sympathies to all of us who have watched our loved ones change from a person we admire into a person we can't recognize. I think back to when I first met my AW, and our courtship, and find it hard to describe a person changing so much in such a short period of time. I don't deny that her condition did change her, and that it began to change her faster and faster...but if you were to go back in time and tell me that what she is now is what she was going to become, I wouldn't have believed it.
jayscott is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jayscott For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011), Tuffgirl (05-21-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 04:47 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
What I struggle with the most is blaming myself for choosing this man to be the father of my children. I have so much guilt for doing this to them. But, the truth is that I would have never believed that he would turn into such a self-centered arse. Still, it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation. I feel so badly for my children.

It is true.....you almost mourn the loss of the person you married. Mine is gone and has been for a long time.

Sorry you are going through this...take care.
sillysquirrel is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sillysquirrel For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011), LaPinturaBella (05-20-2011), LS2 (05-20-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 10:13 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
I too feel for all of us who have gone and are going through this awful illness with a loved one. It's so hard for them to see what they are doing to themselves and their families. My AH seems to have no idea that he's an alcoholic and quacks about me having bad habits when I say anything at all related to drinking. The alcohol sucks the life, their memory, fun, and personality right out of them. The bottle seems to be their one and only friend....very sad.
boomerlady is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to boomerlady For This Useful Post:
BobbyJ (05-20-2011), Linkmeister (05-21-2011)
Old 05-20-2011, 10:53 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaPinturaBella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Seems to me like it not only sucks the joy, life and love out of them but also slowly drains the light from their soul. It's tragic. I wouldn't wish this on anybody and it really makes me humble and in awe of the people who do recover from it.
LaPinturaBella is offline  
Old 05-21-2011, 08:35 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
My Mom calls it mourning the loss of the dream, because when we marry addicts - the life we think we are going to have is just a dream anyway. And when I think back to my wonderful boyfriend who I loved so much I chose to marry - I can't now say that man was real or genuine.

It leaves me grieving for something that was never real - and that is one hell of a mindf**k. I am horribly sad over a lie. I miss a facade. How nonsensical is that?

So when it really creeps up on me - the grief - I remind myself of this. I's normal to grieve, but to be real about what I am really grieving over.

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-21-2011 at 08:36 AM. Reason: typos! need more coffee!
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
CatLover1234 (05-21-2011), LaPinturaBella (05-21-2011), StarCat (05-21-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:42 AM.