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Remind me why I made the right decision

Old 05-18-2011, 08:48 AM
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Unhappy Remind me why I made the right decision

I left my husband two months ago after a five day binge, after my entire savings had been wiped out, after I realized I couldn't stand up to the fighting and the constant insults and demands of money for drinks/drugs. So I left. I went to my family's house. Now I'm back to sharing the apartment with him. Whenever he thought we were getting back together everything was "I'm working now. I took you for granted. Things are gonna be different." Whenever he thought we Weren't gonna get back together, it was the same BS.

The story is. He's leaving in 3mo. I KNOW this 'cause I've talked to his employer. There is debt on the apt. from when I left and he couldn't get it together to make the rent while I was away. I haven't paid a thing for him since I left. We are both on the lease. I've been looking at other apt. and I think I may have gotten one. I can't afford to pay off debt on one apartment while maintaining a second. I'm worried about the legacy he might leave me with when I could've just stuck it out for 3months.
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:51 AM
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step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alchol (or people, place and things)~that our lives had become unmanageable

Do you accept that alcholism is a disease?
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:06 AM
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they all say that they are going to change when they get scared...but just let him worry about himself. if he changes, you will see it naturally over time. im not sure how to best handle the situation with your apt, but the important thing is to first at least let this guy and his recurring patterns out of your life
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:29 AM
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Try talking with the landlord. I filled my landlord in completely on the situation. I paid for the cost of advertising it, she leased it and let me out of my lease obligation. You would be surprised how understanding and how "willing to work with you" people can be. Others not so much maybe, but alcoholism is pretty prevalent. Wouldn't be surprised if the landlord has experienced the situation in some capacity at some point.
Good luck!
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Old 05-18-2011, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by MyBetterWorld View Post
Try talking with the landlord. I filled my landlord in completely on the situation. I paid for the cost of advertising it, she leased it and let me out of my lease obligation. You would be surprised how understanding and how "willing to work with you" people can be. Others not so much maybe, but alcoholism is pretty prevalent. Wouldn't be surprised if the landlord has experienced the situation in some capacity at some point.
Good luck!
I agree - I had to move out on a lease early once - I contacted the landlord and agreed to cover the costs for re-listing the place, professionally cleaning it, and meeting prospective renters for a month to do walk-throughs. That's all. I think many landlords are just happy to have a chance to work something out instead of just having a renter bail.
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Old 05-18-2011, 10:07 AM
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Yeah, I already talked to the landlord. He's said he'll let me out of the lease only if I pay off the debt on the apt... That would clear me out. No, I have two options:
1) take my new apt., hope for the best but be prepared to have to pay off whatever debt he leaves me when he vacates the apt. at the end of August, i.e. pay for 2 apt. at the same time.
2) stay in the apt., not have my credit ruined, but then also have to pay off whatever debt he leaves. In this situation, I could continue the lease after he's gone and not have to pay moving expenses, etc. but then I'd also have to put up with his occasional drunken freakouts.
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Old 05-18-2011, 10:16 AM
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In Al-Anon we say our "Just for Today's". One of those is "I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to do it for a lifetime".

Do what is best for you today. And plan accordingly. If it is financially better to stay for now and honor your commitments to the lease, do so. Plan to be gone as much as possible, buy an ipod and ear plugs for the drunken ranting, have a safe place to go if need be, and grit your teeth until its over. If you are unsafe, go now and to hell with the collateral damage.
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Old 05-18-2011, 10:26 AM
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Shouldn't have moved back in with him?
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Old 05-18-2011, 10:50 AM
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Where do you live? Where I live, if you are on the rent, you are legally bound to pay off whatever rent is owing (or whatever damages are done to the apartment while you are on the lease) for up to 2 years *after* the end of the lease. It's important to you find out about this from your local tenant's board, because if you leave, you may be legally bound to pay off whatever lease is in arrears as well as any damages your bf may or may not do the apartment before he leaves.

Perhaps if you call the local tenant's board can also give you advice with regards to your landlord. You can't be the first person stuck in this position.

Of course, if there is a danger of violence (any kind of threat at all), then screw the finances and get out. You can deal with the repercussions later on. Safety first.
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Old 05-18-2011, 11:02 AM
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In the event that you aren't in any danger of violence, how about subletting the apartment until the lease comes up? It would help you pay off what you owe without breaking the lease:

"Tenants with leases who live in buildings with four or more apartments have the right to sublet with the landlord’s advance consent. Any lease provision restricting a tenant’s right to sublease is void as a matter of public policy. If the landlord consents to the sublet, the tenant remains liable to the landlord for the obligations of the lease, including all future rent. If the landlord denies the sublet on reasonable grounds, the tenant cannot sublet and the landlord is not required to release the tenant from the lease. If the landlord denies the sublet on unreasonable grounds, the tenant may sublet anyway.

These steps must be followed by tenants wishing to sublet:

1) The tenant must send a written request to the landlord by certified mail, return-receipt requested. The request must contain the following information: (a) the length of the sublease; (b) the name, home and business address of the proposed subtenant; (c) the reason for subletting; (d) the tenant’s address during the sublet; (e) the written consent of any co-tenant or guarantor; (f) a copy of the proposed sublease together with a copy of the tenant’s own lease, if available.
2) Within ten days after the mailing of this request, the landlord may ask the tenant for additional information to help make a decision. Any request for additional information may not be unduly burdensome.
3) Within 30 days after the mailing of the tenant’s request to sublet or the additional information requested by the landlord, whichever is later, the landlord must send the tenant a notice of consent, or if consent is denied, the reasons for denial. A landlord’s failure to send this written notice is considered consent to sublet. "

NYC Rent Guidelines Board

Also, this particular paragraph seems to apply to you:
"Generally speaking, if you break your lease the landlord can claim part or all of your security deposit for "unpaid rent." He could also go to court to enforce the terms of the lease (i.e., ask you to pay additional rent until a new tenant is found). Under current rulings, landlords have no duty to promptly re-rent the apartment. "
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Old 05-18-2011, 12:37 PM
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RECF can you "stay" in the apartment, have your stuff there, etc but actually sleep somewhere else (girlfriend's house?) or be away as much as possible to minimize contact..?
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Old 05-18-2011, 12:49 PM
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Blech! Nah, I mean, I've finally found ways to 'minimize contact', but I've already made a move on this apartment. I can't cancel the deal because I had to put money down to reserve it. If I back out now, they get to keep it. As much as it thrills me to think about living on my own again (AND the apt. is completely cute and in an entirely different neighborhood), I'm not sure it'll be worth the financial fallout I'm expecting. I just started a new job and I started getting frantic coming back to my old apartment. My AH was still drinking and I freaked without taking into account things like this. Now I got ties to my old place and I'm locked into going forward on a new place. God, grant me the serenity...
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Old 05-18-2011, 07:01 PM
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FOR-get it! I've just reminded myself! I came home and the house stinks of weed and is littered with beer cans and he's passed out on the couch.

I want to have my own place because I need to rebuild and I've put enough time into this relationship to have it puked on, smashed or ashed all over. I know there are financial implications to my move, but I'll deal with them when I come to them and handle them the way I handle everything.

This is what I want!
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Old 05-18-2011, 07:21 PM
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Where theres a will... Theres a way.

If it's important to you (and it sounds like it is)... You'll figure out a solution. Trust in your HP.
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