tinabanina

Hi Everyone!

I haven't been around lately, so much has been happening.. I know it's probably only been a week, maybe 2, but it feels like it has been months.

My work almost completely consumed me whole, my AP was homeless for a few weeks, going to Al-Anon meetings almost every other night, meeting up with friends... just generally running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

So I must admit there was one night where everything that I had done in terms of my recovery, my peace and serenity was thrown out the window when I realised my (then homeless) AP had gone to visit one of his enabler friends to smoke pot instead of meeting me for dinner.

It triggered my "let it riiiiip!" button and I flew off the handle. Crying, screaming, "what the **** did I do to deserve this? Do you hate me THAT much?". I told him he had no respect for me. I told him that his enabler "friend" only wants him around when he has money to burn (which is true, but I only said it to stir him.. so that was wrong of me).. I look back on it now and I'm quite embarrassed and ashamed. But I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. It was a very, very, VERY wrong way for me to act, but all I can do is learn from the situation.

A day or so after this, my partner actually came to me and said that he wanted to go to AA. So I've been to 3 meetings with him, and he is at a meeting right now (on his own, by his own free will.. I'm in shock).

I've been really happy the past few days, but scared and a little disappointed in myself at the same time.

I mean, I'm happy that he is taking the steps to better himself.. I know it's only beginning, but I want to remain positive for him. But now I truly now just HOW codependent I am on my partner. This happiness is HIS, it isn't mine.

With all this running around to aid him (I didn't even realise I was doing it!), I have averted my attention from myself again, so now I really have to knuckle down. I really have to.

Something someone said to me in Al-Anon really resonated with me. It was Monday night and I REALLY did NOT want to go. My partner was not drunk and normal for the first time in god knows how long, I just wanted to be with him. But I got up, got dressed and went to Al-Anon. I shared this at the meeting and afterwards one of the older members that I keep seeing around approached me and said this to me:

"I'm so glad you came tonight. I know its hard sometimes, but please keep coming back. Just remember, coming to Al-Anon is not just about relief, it is about recovery."

I don't know about anyone else, but this really helped to put the role of Al-Anon in my life into perspective.

I am very guilty of going to Al-Anon to try and relieve myself of sadness, fear and anger... but not really understanding what it can do for me. Not really making the effort to do work on myself. But the more I go, the more that message is ingrained in my head.

That being said, I'm going to be honest and say I am a little sick of alcohol, AA, Al-Anon, working programs and the whole shebang right now... its taken up so much of my headspace that I feel like there is really nothing else going on in my life (other than work).

But I'm here, I'm alive and today I was smiling sincerely.. so that's a start.

LexieCat

I know what you mean about it feeling like recovery is taking up a lot of headspace. The thing is, sometimes we aren't even aware of how much the alcoholism and our own reactions to it have been taking up headspace. Because it starts to feel "normal" and we aren't even consciously aware of it a lot of the time.

I think any time you start trying to become aware and focused on a particular big issue in your life it seems like it's taking up a lot of headspace. Don't worry, it won't always feel this way.

tinabanina

This is very true, Lexie. Thanks for bringing this to the surface, its something I wouldn't have even thought about.

I just feel so tired some days. Whenever I sit down I feel like falling asleep... I'm yawning 24/7. I probably look abysmal, too.

At least recovery is something positive to fill my head with, I guess that's an upside.

Linkmeister

After things settled down, I felt so very tired as well. I had lived under the cloud of active drinking for so long, my adrenalin, my spidey senses, everything was on constant alert for changes, relapses, you name it, that my body adjusted to all of it. I was always at "DEFCON 1" alert level!

When the drama died down, my body came off high alert and for the first time in a good long time, my sleep patterns are returning to a semblance of normal. Things take time and I am slowly adjusting - I have to get up early for school and I am finding myself getting tired at a normal time. This part of my recovery along with the other parts- is one day at a time.