Will I ever understand?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7
Will I ever understand?
What a rollercoaster. We have been back and forth. He was never really sober - would go a few weeks and then fall off the wagon. We did not see each other regularly at first - maybe once a week - so I had no idea what he was up to. Then it got serious - he said he had such deep feelings, I was the one etc. He appeared more determined than ever to stay sober. I allowed myself to fall in love with him and we became intimate. All was so good. Then it changed - the distance, the "you are getting to close", the "why cant I go out with other single female friends", the "not wanting to spend the whole weekend with me, only a night", the "you are too needy" and then finally - I dont want a relationship with anyone. GOODBYE. A few weeks later, committed to being sober, back to being with me, in love, blah blah blah (or from this site I have learnt quack, quack, quack). I fell even deeper for him it was so intense - THEN out of the blue, condoms in his home, other woman "friends" calling him, his watching his blackberry constantly when with me....and finally his saying that his sobriety and God has to come first and that he can't have a relationship with anyone while he focuses on getting healthy....but I am the one and he will always love me. GONE..............now I find out he is dating another woman - the same one I suspected. WHY does it hurt so MUCH? DAMNIT - I gave this man my all, I really made him run after me, why the "I love you", I will always love you CRAP, when behind my back he is now with another woman who is going through a divorce!
It appears to me that they have this knack of pulling in GOOD people.
I dont know what to expect next.
I just feel REALLY stupid and used.
It appears to me that they have this knack of pulling in GOOD people.
I dont know what to expect next.
I just feel REALLY stupid and used.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, JOW9. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
I understand feeling stupid and used after finding out that he was cheating. I felt that way when I found out now-XAH was breaking our marriage vows and then again when I finally realized he had just been trying to string me along so he might be able to come back if she kicked his a-- out or got tired of his drinking. No matter what he says/said, he doesn't want to come back to me - he just wanted to know he could come back to some place he might be able to drink in peace and not pay any bills, or have any responsibilities.
There are so many things I WANT / need to understand about XAH, his alcoholism, our relationship, how he treated me. I don't think I will ever understand why he does what he does. I'm pretty certain I don't ever want to be able to think the way he does. I'm finding that it's just one more thing that I'm going to have to let go... It's amazing how many things there are to let go of when we try to detach from the alcoholics in our lives.
Keep reading and posting.
I understand feeling stupid and used after finding out that he was cheating. I felt that way when I found out now-XAH was breaking our marriage vows and then again when I finally realized he had just been trying to string me along so he might be able to come back if she kicked his a-- out or got tired of his drinking. No matter what he says/said, he doesn't want to come back to me - he just wanted to know he could come back to some place he might be able to drink in peace and not pay any bills, or have any responsibilities.
There are so many things I WANT / need to understand about XAH, his alcoholism, our relationship, how he treated me. I don't think I will ever understand why he does what he does. I'm pretty certain I don't ever want to be able to think the way he does. I'm finding that it's just one more thing that I'm going to have to let go... It's amazing how many things there are to let go of when we try to detach from the alcoholics in our lives.
Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I know it hurts, like nothing has ever hurt before. I have a feeling though, that this is a blessing in disguise for you. Life with an aloholic partner/spouse can and most likely will be miserable. Honestly? After 10 years of living it my only piece of advice is to cut your losses and move on. The heartache that you are feeling now is nothing in comparison to the heartache of years with an A.
Good luck. Keep reading and posting, you have found the right place!
M
Good luck. Keep reading and posting, you have found the right place!
M
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Sounds like you can expect more of the same from him. He's a mess and doesn't seem like he's planning on changing.
Perhaps it would feel more empowering for you to summarily decide that any kind of contact from his person will only result in more madness and needs to be cut short.
Perhaps it would feel more empowering for you to summarily decide that any kind of contact from his person will only result in more madness and needs to be cut short.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
RED FLAG for you...RUN! this will never change, the merry go round of DENIAL....sounds like you have good self esteem...so take some hints from the posts of all these people in here, and read, and read and read some more...2 futher notes:
the 3C's
u did not cause this
u can not control it
and there is no CURE
the 3S's
you become aware
you then accept it
then action
whatcha gonna do? boundaries sound goods to me!and or, detach with love
the 3C's
u did not cause this
u can not control it
and there is no CURE
the 3S's
you become aware
you then accept it
then action
whatcha gonna do? boundaries sound goods to me!and or, detach with love
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7
I guess I am inclined to over analyse things. I divorced my ex husband because he left for a friend after 14 years of marriage and three precious children. When I met XABF, who was sober then (but not attending AA) I took it slow and really let him in, as he too was divorced (because of his drinking and a few one night stands) RED FLAG, I know. But he said to me that, that was when he was drinking and now he was so remorseful and was sober. Having never known an alcoholic I bought into it. THEN...there was two drinks (I can control it he said)...and three (It is ok) and then bang hectic partying and drinking and then because I outed him to his sponsor, he got back on the wagon and is now supposedly 4 months sober but has already moved on to this new woman who is married (oh did I mention he has a thing for the unhappily married ones?) but separated. The thing I resent the most, is his telling everyone that NOW that he is sober, he can see clearly now and what he thought was love with me was only sisterly love WTH??? THIS HURTS. I dont know enough about this disease, but how do they just deny everything? How do they suck women in, throw them out and start again. Seriously DONT they have any consciences? Is 4 months sober really going to change the behaviour? I mean this guy is GOOD at what he does - how the hell was I sucked in? I mean I fell for him totally and love him to bits but really, he can just walk out and move on to the next one. Do they have intimacy issues?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Oh, man, JOW9.... You fell for it because he was GOOD at it. No one, well, I'd hope that no one, goes into a relationship with an alcoholic thinking, "He is going to treat me like sh-t scraped off his boots in few weeks/months/years. Cool!" We enter into new relationships hoping for the best. I think we kind of go in thinking the other person will treat us the way we want to be treated and how we would treat them. We maybe ignore a couple small things that turn out in hindsight to be red flags because we still wanted to believe this person didn't do 'that' on purpose, they didn't mean to hurt us, humiliate us, or .... whatever.
A problem comes in when the other person has an addiction. Their focus becomes doing whatever they have to do to be able to keep using/drinking. That will include lying to their friends/family/significant others. They get used to justifying their actions, blaming their behavior on something or some one else. That behavior then spreads to other aspects of their life - not to just their drinking. And it doesn't just stop after they've stopped drinking or using.
IMO, 4 months of not drinking does not mean that he's had any time to actually work on the issues underlying or surrounding his drinking. The cr-p he's spouting has nothing to do with you, but his addiction. It's hard to not take it personally, but....
I don't know. I know I can intelectualize that when some one tells me, but d-mn it; it happened to me - it's personal. I'm trying to figure out why I ignored the red flags; I most certainly do not want to do this again.
4 months of not drinking is completely different than 4 months working a recovery program. And even if he's 4 months into working a recovery program, that is still not enough time to address any related issues. They may not even be issues related to his alcoholism, he may just be an a--hole... Who knows...
Take care of yourself.
A problem comes in when the other person has an addiction. Their focus becomes doing whatever they have to do to be able to keep using/drinking. That will include lying to their friends/family/significant others. They get used to justifying their actions, blaming their behavior on something or some one else. That behavior then spreads to other aspects of their life - not to just their drinking. And it doesn't just stop after they've stopped drinking or using.
IMO, 4 months of not drinking does not mean that he's had any time to actually work on the issues underlying or surrounding his drinking. The cr-p he's spouting has nothing to do with you, but his addiction. It's hard to not take it personally, but....
I don't know. I know I can intelectualize that when some one tells me, but d-mn it; it happened to me - it's personal. I'm trying to figure out why I ignored the red flags; I most certainly do not want to do this again.
4 months of not drinking is completely different than 4 months working a recovery program. And even if he's 4 months into working a recovery program, that is still not enough time to address any related issues. They may not even be issues related to his alcoholism, he may just be an a--hole... Who knows...
Take care of yourself.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I will try to decipher a few things for you: He is with this other woman and not with you because she allows his behavior and the only way he can 'justify' it with other people is by trying to categorize his love for you as a sisterly love. He will be where and with whom allow him to continue drinking and/or using. Bottom line. His truth is a fuzzy, drunken truth that could not be understood completely or grasped by any sober individual.
Sad? Sure.
Do you have to live with it? Nope! And how absolutely free that is!
We don't have to live our lives in chains. I choose not to.
Sad? Sure.
Do you have to live with it? Nope! And how absolutely free that is!
We don't have to live our lives in chains. I choose not to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks for all your responses. One thing is for sure the support here is incredible and NO ONE deserves to be treated in this manner.
Anvilhead - yes, you are probably right in that this is CHARACTER FLAWS and not so much alcoholism - well it is the drinking, but probably there is something deep down and broken in him that he cant be alone. He told me he comes from a dysfunctional family, that his father was an alcoholic and very strict. He has always been ashamed of where he came from and had MULTIPLE partners in life - mostly one night stands. I was actually taken in by his honestly and openness - given my ex husband's deception. Not knowing anything about alcoholism (Boy have my eyes been opened by this site) I did not know quite what a beast it really is. He said he was sober, he said he was then controlling his drinking - I believed him.
Theuncertainty - now I am thinking that he is replacing alcohol with women or the chase. Maybe this is a way of getting "high". I loved the bit about maybe he is just an a-hole. You know he has very few male friends - and I am told that men can often sniff out men who are trouble. He is however surrounded by female "friends" and could not understand why I got mad when he used to take other women out to dinner.
Hmmmm red flags - I really need to see why I ignored them. Am thinking that maybe I was too vulnerable after my failed marriage (16 years and my ex was my first boyfriend) and too naive? Great - now I figure I had better work on this. One thing is for sure - I am now actually afraid of this happening again. I need to figure this all out as I really trusted this man.
Anvilhead - yes, you are probably right in that this is CHARACTER FLAWS and not so much alcoholism - well it is the drinking, but probably there is something deep down and broken in him that he cant be alone. He told me he comes from a dysfunctional family, that his father was an alcoholic and very strict. He has always been ashamed of where he came from and had MULTIPLE partners in life - mostly one night stands. I was actually taken in by his honestly and openness - given my ex husband's deception. Not knowing anything about alcoholism (Boy have my eyes been opened by this site) I did not know quite what a beast it really is. He said he was sober, he said he was then controlling his drinking - I believed him.
Theuncertainty - now I am thinking that he is replacing alcohol with women or the chase. Maybe this is a way of getting "high". I loved the bit about maybe he is just an a-hole. You know he has very few male friends - and I am told that men can often sniff out men who are trouble. He is however surrounded by female "friends" and could not understand why I got mad when he used to take other women out to dinner.
Hmmmm red flags - I really need to see why I ignored them. Am thinking that maybe I was too vulnerable after my failed marriage (16 years and my ex was my first boyfriend) and too naive? Great - now I figure I had better work on this. One thing is for sure - I am now actually afraid of this happening again. I need to figure this all out as I really trusted this man.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Yes they have intimacy issues.
Basically the long and short of it is he is a mess... getting sober doesn't mean the ability to form healthy relationships if he never had those tools to begin with.
And he is having trouble with his sobriety. Not good.
You are not dumb. I feel for you. Maybe his intention was sincere but he lacked the capacity to return the love.
How were you to know this going into it with the best of intentions? Try not to internalize it as your flaw, your mistakes, something you did wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong, you met someone who is a complete mess
Basically the long and short of it is he is a mess... getting sober doesn't mean the ability to form healthy relationships if he never had those tools to begin with.
And he is having trouble with his sobriety. Not good.
You are not dumb. I feel for you. Maybe his intention was sincere but he lacked the capacity to return the love.
How were you to know this going into it with the best of intentions? Try not to internalize it as your flaw, your mistakes, something you did wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong, you met someone who is a complete mess
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Originally Posted by Babyblue 
getting sober doesn't mean the ability to form healthy relationships if he never had those tools to begin with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Hi Jow9,
It's important to not blame yourself for what happened in terms of you falling for him. Alcoholics are EXCELLENT manipulators; you will see that over and over again as you read more on SR. I too felt the same way that you did about all that romantic bs they pull on us. There were some red flags but we chose to ignore them because we become so caught up in the beautiful portrait that they paint for us in the beginning. And before getting to the place we are in now maybe we didn't even then understand the severity of those red flags then.
I just went to my first Al-Anon the other day and would highly recommend it to you; especially if you are feeling fearful about how you let this happened to begin with. I think it will also be a great place for you (like myself) to feel lucky that we were able to figure out these issues before marrying them or after many years spent with them. Now we just need to find the courage to cut our losses and move on.
It's important to not blame yourself for what happened in terms of you falling for him. Alcoholics are EXCELLENT manipulators; you will see that over and over again as you read more on SR. I too felt the same way that you did about all that romantic bs they pull on us. There were some red flags but we chose to ignore them because we become so caught up in the beautiful portrait that they paint for us in the beginning. And before getting to the place we are in now maybe we didn't even then understand the severity of those red flags then.
I just went to my first Al-Anon the other day and would highly recommend it to you; especially if you are feeling fearful about how you let this happened to begin with. I think it will also be a great place for you (like myself) to feel lucky that we were able to figure out these issues before marrying them or after many years spent with them. Now we just need to find the courage to cut our losses and move on.
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