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Emotional weekend

Old 05-17-2011, 12:31 AM
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Emotional weekend

I just got back from spending the weekend with family for my FIL's memorial service.
It was the first time we had all been together in a LONG time and in a place full of memories.
It was difficult but I had many tools to help me through the weekend. I must have said the Serenity Prayer about a hundred times.
I was able to grieve and celebrate a great man. I was able to say goodbye to a place I love. I can accept that it was perhaps the last time I will be there.
I was able to enjoy my family knowing that they accept me as their family no matter what happens between me and my husband.
I was able to provide comfort to my sisters in law when they needed it.
I was able to accept their kind words when I needed them.
I know that part of the reason I was able to do this was because I no longer am so focused on my AH that I cannot see the big picture. I can have an open heart and experience joy and other people because I am no longer consumed by him. I am thankful I can do that.
I also saw how far he is progressing in his disease-from the vodka bottle on the nightstand to his being completely inebriated while the rest of the family visited. I just watched as they went on talking and laughing and completely ignored him. It was sad to see this but it did not trigger me. I was able to enjoy them. It is when I am the happiest-when my kids are together, joking and laughing. And he missed it-he has missed many such occasions even if he was sitting right there.
My AH was hot and cold to me all weekend.
He allowed me to comfort him and we shared a few moments as we remembered certain things together. When he was drinking he was sweet and kind to me-even accepting an invitation to take a walk on the beach the next day. When he was sober he was aloof and resentful. He did not follow through on the walk so I went alone. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I do not want a relationship that can turn so quickly depending on if he is drinking or not.
When I went to say goodbye I said a few things to him and then I said I loved him. He got very agitated and reminded me that I had moved away from him when he went to kiss me a few months earlier. I reminded him that we had a conversation about that. He did not remember. Is he having blackouts? And why is he so hurt when he is the one who says he does not want to be married to me any more?
I realize that I do not have to stop loving him but I can choose to walk away from a relationship that is painful and hurtful to me.
I did not take the bait. I said that was a conversation for another time and that I would be happy to have it with him if he wanted. This weekend was just about saying goodbye to his father and being there for each other as a family.
I was able to enjoy the ride home with my kids and felt at peace with how things turned out.
I will continue to pray as I see him in turmoil but I do not have to go down with him.
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Old 05-17-2011, 04:12 AM
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Good for you Jamaica!
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