GettingBy

One step at time (sometimes little step, sometimes big ones)... but definetely moving in a forward and upward direction.

Today was a wild array of emotions. I had nightmares all last night (someone trying to kill me, go figure), that left me agitated in the morning. I was stressed out, short with the kids, and couldn't stop freakin' crying. Got to work, settled down a bit... got a call from the car dealer I've been working with. Worked out a very solid, fair price for my trade in, and the car I want to buy - deal was set, and the paperwork is in motion. I'll have my very own car again on Thursday!!! I can't wait - it's a "new to me" wagon with built in DVD players for the kids! (I've never had anything this fancy so I'm excited and know they will be too!!)

I'm also working on itemizing all our income, assets, debts, etc. I avoided it for a few weeks because I just didn't want to think about having to divvy everything up. STBXAH has shown his true colors lately and all he can talk about is how much this mess is "costing" him. He's so misguided - hung up on losing his picture perfect house in the uppity neighborhood... and all this "stuff" he's worked so hard for. Uh, duh, what about your family? Your wife and kids? Forget the STUPID house and crap in it.

Anyways, I digress. As for the stupid house, I met with our real estate agent this afternoon and have the listing paperwork started. It will be on the MLS by the end of the week!! The agent said he knows of LOTS of great little houses for me - and can't wait to get shopping :-)


I hate to say this outloud... but I feel like I'm treating this divorce like another project at work. There's a job to be done, I'm breaking it down task by task - and approaching it as emotionless as I possibly can. I'm kind of numb as I go through the motions. I have moments where I indulge a wave of emotions... but I feel them, let them pass and then get back to work.

I'm so done with being married to an alcoholic. Maybe that makes me a b*%&h... or self-centered and a quitter... eitherway, I just don't give a $hit anymore.

Alone22

I admire you and your strength! I think handling the divorce like a task/project at work is smart. No doubt this whole process is difficult but it seems you are handling it very logically. Very sad that your STBXAH is so self focused and thinking about all things that really don't matter (or should not matter) much. One day he may wake up and he is going to be a very sad XAH.

LaTeeDa

IMHO, that is the absolute best way to approach it. After all, isn't that what is meant by "doing the next right thing?"

L

LaPinturaBella

Sounds like the SANE way to approach a divorce. And if that makes you a b***h, where do I sign up?

GettingBy

Yeah, it is the right way to handle it. It keeps me from getting swept up in emotions, and sucked into his bait. But I have moments where I feel like the freakin' Terminator. I'm just bulldozing my way through our life and leaving a trail of wreckage in my path.

For example, my attorney briefly mentioned that something would need to happen with the jointly held car. I looked into refinancing the balance owed - but it's kind of older, and has HIGH mileage (I drive a ton for work)... so couldn't get a reasonable loan, and I don't have the cash to buy outright. I absolutely did not want to continue to co-own it b/c once AH is free/clear of me... my guess is a DWI is a heartbeat away, and I certainly don't want insurance with him on it (necessary for co-title). So... I thought about it for about a fraction of a second on Thursday, got online, picked out what I wanted for a replacement... found a few to test drive, called a few more dealers to check on other used inventory, and by Monday - problem solved. AH said he thinks I've gone and flipped my rocker. He can't believe how quickly I'm annihilate this "joint" life.

At times, I do feel somewhat heartless about the whole situation. I'm absolutely void of emotion when I talk to AH. I don't show him ANYTHING... and I'm sure that's driving him nuts.

But the flipside of the coin... I've given 10 years of my life to him, and I just don't want to give anymore time. I'm tired of showing him my weaknesses/emotions - only to have them shoved right back down my throat.



I guess part of it is... I'm kind of shocked myself at how quickly I have moved into divorce and am dealing with that crap. Maybe I am the man-hater he says I am?!?!

LaPinturaBella

Ummmmm...NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!

1) You are not a man hater.
2) You do hate that ALCOHOL AND ADDICTION have destroyed your dreams and your marriage.
3) When we are done, we are done. That means no more emotion, fretting, whatever. BTDT...You are done being treated like an emotional punching bag.
4) He's still desperately trying to manipulate...by making you feel guilty. REALITY CHECK...YOU did not destroy the marriage. YOU did not neglect your spouse and children. YOU are not the one living in a freaking fairyland of your own making. HE IS!!!!
5) He's doing this because YOU taking ACTION while he still verbally vomits is scaring the bejesus out of him.

Frankly, I think you are doing everything exactly right. Don't buy into his crap...not even just a little.

LaTeeDa

Or maybe you're just done.

L

GettingBy

I am done.

That's exactly how I told him I wanted a divorce. It was short, sweet and to the point.

"I'm done. I'm done. I'M DONE. I just want out of this marriage because I'm DONE."

So that's it. I'm done, and that's why this is moving so fluidly. Because I've arrived. Staying hurts worse than leaving. The bad outweighs the good. It's time to go. I'm done looking for ways to "save us" and him. I'm done hoping for our marriage. I'm done clinging to the fantasy life.

I don't hate him, but I'm done loving him more than I love myself. I'm done with accepting the unacceptable. I'm done with keeping his dirty little secrets. I'm done asking for things from him - I'm just going to go get them myself.

I'm so freakin' done with him.

LaTeeDa

I think you should change your handle from GettingBy to GettingOnWithIt.

L

ItsmeAlice

I can totally relate to that numb, robotic, task by task way of going about things. I'm like that too.

I think it comes from years of training. Whenever a crisis would come up, whatever the type, my X would go into a spiral of drinking and being utterly useless for the duration, and I would go into my hyper-focused, micromanaging, goal driven mode. I would tackle the problem until resolved having to assure the drama king it was going to get worked out. Sometimes just when I thought I had it covered, he would throw in a mucked up bit of assistance that I would have to fix. Drove me crazy and of course gave him the perfect excuse never to help again and to go right on being intoxicated and useless.

In the end of course once all the chaos had been resolved and the problems worked out, the emotions of the whole thing would start to take me over. The buzz of the crisis, so to speak, would wear off and I'd be in need of support over what transpired, and my X would keep asking me what my problem was. Ugh. As he saw it, there was no crisis. If there was one, it was my own doing since I wouldn't accept the help he offered up, and what crisis he was actually aware of through his beer goggles didn't look so bad anyway. This always made me feel worse for even putting forth all the effort.

Now, fast forward all those years....when a crisis or obstacle or challenge erupts, I buckle down and go into the same management mode as before and meet it in the face. I take productive help where offered but steer clear of the rest. And when the emotions come up when all is said and done, I turn to where support is available to me where folks understand like here on SR.

You are going to feel accomplished and satisfied that you did the best you could in a difficult situation and made a new start for you and your kids in the end. You will also feel all those emotions you kinda wonder if you should be feeling now, but like me, you will be without that anchor weighing down your feelings or sinking you deeper. Instead you will know where to turn for healthy support and you will get through it.

All things in their due time including emotions.

Hang in there. You're doing marvelously!!!

((hugs)),
Alice

Fandy

i think you just reached your saturation point with him..you can only take so much. You are doing what is necessary to separate the assets and SHOULD be excited about your new life (and new car)...you are being factual and logical...

He can buy whatever kind of car he wants or not. He may be missing the High Drama he used to create for you.

congrats on dealing with everything. I'm glad you are enjoying your hard work and dealing with this project as simply as possible.

Cyranoak

...and I'm fairly certain you don't hate me.

I think...

GettingBy

Oh Alice, that is such an eloquent description of my life with my AH. All the crisis management I did, enabling him, shielding him from the "mess" so that at the end of it... he would throw it back in my face and say I was blowing things out of proportion. "it was that bad" "You don't let me help!" And like you, anytime I did let him "help", it only mucked the situation up worse.

Time to set my AH free and let him learn how to be an adult... this is going to be a tough wake up call for him, not me.

GettingBy

No way!!! No hate towards you! No hate towards anyone for that matter. It's not in my nature to hate people... not even my AH when he treats me like dog $hit. I don't hate people... but I do hate alcohol/drugs, and the addictions/sickness they cause.

That being said... you do have the ability to bring out the pitbull in me, but that's not a bad thing!!!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I think you are my twin sister right now. I have been feeling the same way about taking it as a task by task project. My mind is not stopping for emotions right now either. Finishing up the last minute project all by myself. I am feeling a little cold hearted but then remind myself how I got to this place. I am not even the least bit worried about backsliding. It is weird how you just get to that point.

I keep thinking of my bright future and no more waiting for the other shoe to drop or being lied to once he starts drinking again but is trying to hide it.

I think we both deserve..

Shellcrusher

Like LaTeeDa said, this is a sound approach. When I was seriously working towards a divorce, I made more lists, journals, goal sheets then I can imagine. I'm a project manager by trade so it was natural for me. Beyond that, keeping an objective frame of mind is important. I know first hand that when I make emotional decisions they don't usually work out for me.

I might repeat something I touched on. Make a goal sheet. Call it a dream sheet. Give yourself some time to dream about what you want and how you want it to be. I had/have vivid images in my head of where I'd live. What kind of house I'd move into. What types of things I'd be doing with my son. Where I'd park my car. What my boys room would like. Where his toys would be. Where my toys would be. How big of a garage/shop I'd have. Where I'd plant bushes., etc. I was able to hear the silence and peace in my own dreams and that was amazing.

There's a ton of work to do. You already know this. At some point you'll want to move on. So why not dream a little? Write it down. It will happen. It will make you smile and help validate what you're doing.

Keep up the good work. I've read your stories almost from start to finish and you're a very different person now than before and that's a great thing to witness.

LexieCat

I still had warm feelings toward my first husband (the one who got sober, and with whom I am still friends, today) when we divorced, but he was extremely hurt by my decision, and it sometimes leaked out in angry words. Nothing abusive, just legitimate (IMO) anger at something he did not understand, nor could he understand.

I was completely emotionless on the surface all that time (we lived together for several months due to his work schedule and our child-care needs). I was pleasant, courteous, but I couldn't afford to get into the emotions of it with him. It was something he needed to work through, and I couldn't help (because I was the problem).

I am so thankful I didn't say and do things that would have caused or contributed to ugly scenes. By the time I moved out, he offered me the use of his van to help move (out of a sense of helpfulness). I think by keeping my emotional distance during that time things did not escalate and neither of us had to carry horrible memories of that time. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't awful, either.

I know your situation is different, but either way, keeping your emotions in check around him will be for the best, I think.

Jadmack25

Quote from 1st Post. ((( He can't believe how quickly I'm annihilating this "joint" life. )))

He can't because it is all about him. Did he see it as a joint life (with you) when drinking and wrecking his way thru his marriage and family responsibilities? NO!!!!

Ignore his quacks and stay focused on the business of removing yourself and kids from the "going nowhere with him", to the "going somewhere by your own efforts.

You are handling it as you need to.

dollydo

Divorce is a legal financial seperation of assets, that's it...a paper transaction. A business transaction. The emotional side of the marriage has failed long before the court signs off on the resolution of divorce.

To me, you are doing just fine, doing all the right things for you and your children, you have done everything any good codie could have done for another...now its your turn...enjoy your new life and new ride!

kittykitty

you just keep taking care of YOU. Handle things how you need to handle them. I'm so proud of how you handled the car thing. You completely avoided the issue by solving the problem before it became a problem. Awesome Job!

Keep on truckin girl. He won't get it, how you're able to do this so easily, because he doesn't understand how long you have been suffering. When you're done, you're done.

Love and hugs!