What is fair?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
What is fair?
It is so hard to deal with ah. We was not drinking tonight and we had yet another disagreement. We are currently separated and I have full custody of the kids and he gets supervised visitation. Monday and Thursday nights, and then some time on the weekend- either Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Whatever works for us. I have been super flexible with things and he sees them way more than what we agreed upon- basically anytime that he wants. He is also very flaky and does not follow through always when he says he will see them and cancels at times.
Well tonight he mentioned something about taking the kids fishing this weekend. I told him that was fine, but that the kids were going to the zoo with my mom and sister on Saturday and that we would plan around that. Well he blew up and said that he gets a day on the weekend and it will be Saturday and they were not going with my mom and I should have asked him. I am not sure why I would have to ask him if our kids could go with their grandma for a few hours on Saturday? I mentioned this zoo trip 2 weeks ago and he had no objection, should not he have spoken up then. He can take them fishing when they get back on Saturday but no he is insisting on having them the same time my mom will.
The kids want to go to the zoo and I am not denying him his day on the weekend. If he was more reliable I might reschedule but I know that he would not follow through and end up seeing on Saturday. Just this past Friday he was supposed to see the kids and bailed and although I am not 100% sure I think he was drinking. Maybe I don't see it but am I being unreasonable here? I dealt with these same issues before we were separated. Any time my mom wanted to do something with the kids ( such as spend the night) he would have a fit. I remember once our dd was at my moms and we got into an argument and he demanded that I go pick her up. I am have always thought he does things to deliberately make things harder.
So for me to take a step back, am I being unreasonable? I just want to try to be fair because I would like to be treated the same.
Well tonight he mentioned something about taking the kids fishing this weekend. I told him that was fine, but that the kids were going to the zoo with my mom and sister on Saturday and that we would plan around that. Well he blew up and said that he gets a day on the weekend and it will be Saturday and they were not going with my mom and I should have asked him. I am not sure why I would have to ask him if our kids could go with their grandma for a few hours on Saturday? I mentioned this zoo trip 2 weeks ago and he had no objection, should not he have spoken up then. He can take them fishing when they get back on Saturday but no he is insisting on having them the same time my mom will.
The kids want to go to the zoo and I am not denying him his day on the weekend. If he was more reliable I might reschedule but I know that he would not follow through and end up seeing on Saturday. Just this past Friday he was supposed to see the kids and bailed and although I am not 100% sure I think he was drinking. Maybe I don't see it but am I being unreasonable here? I dealt with these same issues before we were separated. Any time my mom wanted to do something with the kids ( such as spend the night) he would have a fit. I remember once our dd was at my moms and we got into an argument and he demanded that I go pick her up. I am have always thought he does things to deliberately make things harder.
So for me to take a step back, am I being unreasonable? I just want to try to be fair because I would like to be treated the same.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
You are not being unreasonable. Maybe you should just stick to what was agreed upon and then there are no surprises. I think it is great you have been so flexible but it doesn't sound like you are getting any thing positive from your X in return. Good luck.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
I think you are being more than fair. If the plan was for them to see their grandmother and they want to do that, then that's what they should do. It's all about the kids, not him and not you. If he has a habit of bailing on plans, then he has absolutely no reason to complain. I'd just tell him that the kids want to go to the zoo and that's what they will be doing. If he wants to pick them up afterward, fine. Let it go at that. If he gets upset, he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Alone22 
You are not being unreasonable. Maybe you should just stick to what was agreed upon and then there are no surprises. I think it is great you have been so flexible but it doesn't sound like you are getting any thing positive from your X in return. Good luck.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Ugh... I have a feeling this is going to be my life in the very near future. I don't have any great advice - but I don't think you're being unreasonable. If it was your weekend with the kids, and you had a preschedule event... that's what trumps... not his last minute whim. The one thing that comes to mind is your situation is EXACTLY why custody agreements, and all the nitty gritty details are sooo very important. Communication, communication, communication!!
I *just* got in a heated discussion with my STBXAH about custody. I wanted to discuss the details (ie. where would they live the majority of the time, how would weekends/holidays be split, how would we handle times when the one with custody is busy and needs a "sitter', paying for clothes/medicine, etc). STBXAH FLIPPED out. Saying I was being too pragmatic about the whole thing. He's so mad that I'm "taking him to the cleaners"... he wants 50/50 custody because doesn't want to pay a penny towards child support... oh, he went on and on.
And then he looked at me and said, "Don't you see how you are RUINING EVERYTHING?"
Me - "No. I'm trying to be proactive and have the details discussed so that we minimize misunderstanding and issues later."
If you don't have a formal separation agreement... get a lawyer and get one drafted ASAP. And if you have one, time to revisit it, modify as necessary, and start living by it. It sucks to be so regimented - but it really will help define things better for both of you, and especially the kids.
I *just* got in a heated discussion with my STBXAH about custody. I wanted to discuss the details (ie. where would they live the majority of the time, how would weekends/holidays be split, how would we handle times when the one with custody is busy and needs a "sitter', paying for clothes/medicine, etc). STBXAH FLIPPED out. Saying I was being too pragmatic about the whole thing. He's so mad that I'm "taking him to the cleaners"... he wants 50/50 custody because doesn't want to pay a penny towards child support... oh, he went on and on.
And then he looked at me and said, "Don't you see how you are RUINING EVERYTHING?"
Me - "No. I'm trying to be proactive and have the details discussed so that we minimize misunderstanding and issues later."
If you don't have a formal separation agreement... get a lawyer and get one drafted ASAP. And if you have one, time to revisit it, modify as necessary, and start living by it. It sucks to be so regimented - but it really will help define things better for both of you, and especially the kids.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
Well, if he wanted the weekends to be open, that means they are open for everyone, not just him. If the kids have plans for part of the weekend, then he needs to take that into account and work around it.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I don't have children, so I won't comment on the specifics, but as far as the more general issue at hand here...
He wants control. He wants the world to bend over backwards for him and his whims. It's as simple as that, really.
In my case, XABF managed to isolate me from everyone else - my family, my friends, and he was working on my job next - so that he'd have full control. It had nothing about me being unreasonable, and everything about him making things so difficult for me that I would finally cave in and give in to what he wanted, and become more isolated. It was bad enough when he was reliable with his own plans, but as the alcoholism worsened and his health went downhill as a side effect all those plans were constantly being cancelled, as well.
You made the plans, the kids want to stick to the plans, so stick to them.
He's going to complain and scream and yell, so let him.
To quote Macbeth out of context:
...but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
(It seemed fitting. *grins*)
He wants control. He wants the world to bend over backwards for him and his whims. It's as simple as that, really.
In my case, XABF managed to isolate me from everyone else - my family, my friends, and he was working on my job next - so that he'd have full control. It had nothing about me being unreasonable, and everything about him making things so difficult for me that I would finally cave in and give in to what he wanted, and become more isolated. It was bad enough when he was reliable with his own plans, but as the alcoholism worsened and his health went downhill as a side effect all those plans were constantly being cancelled, as well.
You made the plans, the kids want to stick to the plans, so stick to them.
He's going to complain and scream and yell, so let him.
To quote Macbeth out of context:
...but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
(It seemed fitting. *grins*)
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