need advice - should partner read big book?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
need advice - should partner read big book?
I'd like some advice from others on having my partner read the big book.
I've been in recovery since before my girlfriend (normie) and I started dating and am doing well with it.
Like any recovering alkie, I have tough times when I don't want to be around alcohol. My girl is very supportive, but sometimes I feel that there are things about my disease that I have a hard time explaining. She has some familial experience with alcoholism so is not new to it. I know she "gets it" intellectually, and to some degree emotionally, but I feel that a read of the book may be insightful or helpful for her and our relationship.
That said, I don't want to be too pushy, needy or scare her off! (kidding about the last bit - she's here to stay). But really, the book is a bit antiquated, the program is a bit weird to outsiders, and I don't want to send the wrong message. I suspect that the timing and delivery of my asking her to read this would be important as well.
I'm hoping there are some of you family members/partners out there who have experience with this that can offer some advice or support (both positive and negative welcome). Advice from alkies who have done this is welcome too.
Thanks so much in advance!!!
I've been in recovery since before my girlfriend (normie) and I started dating and am doing well with it.
Like any recovering alkie, I have tough times when I don't want to be around alcohol. My girl is very supportive, but sometimes I feel that there are things about my disease that I have a hard time explaining. She has some familial experience with alcoholism so is not new to it. I know she "gets it" intellectually, and to some degree emotionally, but I feel that a read of the book may be insightful or helpful for her and our relationship.
That said, I don't want to be too pushy, needy or scare her off! (kidding about the last bit - she's here to stay). But really, the book is a bit antiquated, the program is a bit weird to outsiders, and I don't want to send the wrong message. I suspect that the timing and delivery of my asking her to read this would be important as well.
I'm hoping there are some of you family members/partners out there who have experience with this that can offer some advice or support (both positive and negative welcome). Advice from alkies who have done this is welcome too.
Thanks so much in advance!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Hi there..
I find that unless you are an "A" in the program alot of the BB is hard to understand.
Maybe the chapter "To the Wives" and "The Family Afterward" might help.
Although if you were not actively drinking since you have been together, I am not sure if it would make sense.
Perhaps some Al-Anon literature, or Melodie Beattie books would help also.
I find that unless you are an "A" in the program alot of the BB is hard to understand.
Maybe the chapter "To the Wives" and "The Family Afterward" might help.
Although if you were not actively drinking since you have been together, I am not sure if it would make sense.
Perhaps some Al-Anon literature, or Melodie Beattie books would help also.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 706
I don't think that it could do any harm.
I think that if you removed the first part of step one, a lot of "normies" could benefit in working the same steps that we do.
I gave my wife a copy of the chapter "To Wives", and kind of got a "huh?". Later, I read "Drinking- A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp, and had her read the first few chapters of that. Her reponse to that was, "That's REALLY what goes through your head!?"...and..."Now THAT'S pretty F-ed up!"
She's come to accept that the Alkie mind is wired a bit different. Al-Anon has helped alot as well.
Zube
I think that if you removed the first part of step one, a lot of "normies" could benefit in working the same steps that we do.
I gave my wife a copy of the chapter "To Wives", and kind of got a "huh?". Later, I read "Drinking- A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp, and had her read the first few chapters of that. Her reponse to that was, "That's REALLY what goes through your head!?"...and..."Now THAT'S pretty F-ed up!"
She's come to accept that the Alkie mind is wired a bit different. Al-Anon has helped alot as well.
Zube
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
AL ANON for sure, going to meetings...and have you not taken her to any of your AA meetings?...
i say all literature and here even....
Its nice to see you are supporting her recovery, if she moves forward too...good luck
i say all literature and here even....
Its nice to see you are supporting her recovery, if she moves forward too...good luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
No. You may suggest it, you may ask it, but you may not dictate it. And, if she declines to do so, drop it. It's OK to ask once. Asking more than once is controlling, dictating, or both.
My two cents.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
My two cents.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Just to be clear, I would never dictate that she read it. That's WAY more forward than I was going for.
I would simply see if she was open to reading it as a means of broadening her understanding of the addiction and program, such that it may foster our relationship and communication regarding my recovery.
I would simply see if she was open to reading it as a means of broadening her understanding of the addiction and program, such that it may foster our relationship and communication regarding my recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
I suppose what made me ask this question is because a friend (normie) recently told me that when he once dated a RAH, he read the BB and thought it was enlightening. In fact, he said he thought it was a necessary read for a partner of an alkie.
I don't think it is necessary, but I do think the idea of her reading it deserves merit. That's why I posted the question.
I appreciate everyone's responses so far!
I don't think it is necessary, but I do think the idea of her reading it deserves merit. That's why I posted the question.
I appreciate everyone's responses so far!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 115
I'm a spouse of an alcoholic, and years ago when my AH was in recovery I did go to a few open AA meetings with him. I found the meetings to be wonderful and it was great talking with recovering people.
But, in all honesty I have not read much of the big book. I find the literature from Al-Anon and meetings from al-anon more helpful and geared toward my recovery. My focus has been on the alcoholic far to long the way it is.
JMHO
But, in all honesty I have not read much of the big book. I find the literature from Al-Anon and meetings from al-anon more helpful and geared toward my recovery. My focus has been on the alcoholic far to long the way it is.
JMHO
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Hi murderofpies!
I am a non-drinker dating an RA/A. We have been together just about a year now. I met him a little over 2 years ago. He was in rehab when I met him (I volunteer at the shelter where he was going through recovery). So I've never known him as an active A.
Volunteering there for almost 8 years and talking with a lot of the guys that go through recovery has opened my eyes a little bit to the world of recovery and as such I already had a little insight into what he was going through. Also the fact that he is very open and honest and will always answer my questions without hesitation helps. I do feel like I can ask him anything and get a direct answer.
But anyway I haven't actually read a copy of the Big Book, but he did get me a copy of the NA book and he said they are just about the same. I have read about half of it. I honestly didn't get as much out of it as I do from talking to some of the guys in treatment as well as my SO (significant other).
I have also tried attending Al-anon, but since I have nothing to recover from I found it to be a rather depressing place for me. I get much more out of going to his AA meetings with him. I don't go all the time, and only when he specifically invites me, but I do enjoy them and love hearing about other peoples stories of recovery. The stories at AA, I find, are much more uplifting and encouraging than the stories I heard at Al-anon.
How long have you been together? How did you meet? I'm so happy that there are other RA's out there in "normal" relationships. Kudos too to your girlfriend for being supportive of you. My best advice would be to just be open and honest with her. Tell her she can ask you anything without fear. Then just ask her if she's like to read the BB. If she does then great, if not I wouldn't take it as an insult. Maybe just leave it out on the coffee table so she can go through it at her own pace. I wouldn't keep asking her "What do you think?" as she is reading it... let her ask her own questions when she needs to. Just let her know that you're open to it.
Hugs to you and CONGRATS on your sobriety!
T
I am a non-drinker dating an RA/A. We have been together just about a year now. I met him a little over 2 years ago. He was in rehab when I met him (I volunteer at the shelter where he was going through recovery). So I've never known him as an active A.
Volunteering there for almost 8 years and talking with a lot of the guys that go through recovery has opened my eyes a little bit to the world of recovery and as such I already had a little insight into what he was going through. Also the fact that he is very open and honest and will always answer my questions without hesitation helps. I do feel like I can ask him anything and get a direct answer.
But anyway I haven't actually read a copy of the Big Book, but he did get me a copy of the NA book and he said they are just about the same. I have read about half of it. I honestly didn't get as much out of it as I do from talking to some of the guys in treatment as well as my SO (significant other).
I have also tried attending Al-anon, but since I have nothing to recover from I found it to be a rather depressing place for me. I get much more out of going to his AA meetings with him. I don't go all the time, and only when he specifically invites me, but I do enjoy them and love hearing about other peoples stories of recovery. The stories at AA, I find, are much more uplifting and encouraging than the stories I heard at Al-anon.
How long have you been together? How did you meet? I'm so happy that there are other RA's out there in "normal" relationships. Kudos too to your girlfriend for being supportive of you. My best advice would be to just be open and honest with her. Tell her she can ask you anything without fear. Then just ask her if she's like to read the BB. If she does then great, if not I wouldn't take it as an insult. Maybe just leave it out on the coffee table so she can go through it at her own pace. I wouldn't keep asking her "What do you think?" as she is reading it... let her ask her own questions when she needs to. Just let her know that you're open to it.
Hugs to you and CONGRATS on your sobriety!
T
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
The Big Book could help, certainly, if she's interested in reading it.
I will say on my side, though, nothing replaces what I have learned in Al-Anon, and from speaking to a few friends in AA. The Big Book is no replacement for a live circle of modern people, especially if you have questions you want to ask.
I will say on my side, though, nothing replaces what I have learned in Al-Anon, and from speaking to a few friends in AA. The Big Book is no replacement for a live circle of modern people, especially if you have questions you want to ask.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Good post!
Congrats on your sobriety!
I am involved with a RA and I read the Big Book. It is online actually so easy to access. I read it because knowledge for me is key when being involved with someone in recovery. When I told him I read it, he was happy that I took the time to understand his program. Actually sort of relieved I read it.
Sometimes the perception about 'us' not understanding is overblown. My RA respects that I do get it on lots of levels. I knew him before his alcoholism and after. There really isn't a huge shift in understanding him now that he is an alcoholic in recovery. I just have to remember certain things and have way more patience. He has some specific challenges and I am aware of it. So long as he communicates then things about his recovery aren't problematic. It is when the communcation breaks down that I start to wobble in my head about what he is going through.
Besides, his recovery is his. I read the book to know how the process works for him, not to get inside his head. For that, again communication
.
Congrats on your sobriety!
I am involved with a RA and I read the Big Book. It is online actually so easy to access. I read it because knowledge for me is key when being involved with someone in recovery. When I told him I read it, he was happy that I took the time to understand his program. Actually sort of relieved I read it.
Sometimes the perception about 'us' not understanding is overblown. My RA respects that I do get it on lots of levels. I knew him before his alcoholism and after. There really isn't a huge shift in understanding him now that he is an alcoholic in recovery. I just have to remember certain things and have way more patience. He has some specific challenges and I am aware of it. So long as he communicates then things about his recovery aren't problematic. It is when the communcation breaks down that I start to wobble in my head about what he is going through.
Besides, his recovery is his. I read the book to know how the process works for him, not to get inside his head. For that, again communication
.
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