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RAH doing what hes supposed to...why?

Old 05-16-2011, 12:43 AM
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RAH doing what hes supposed to...why?

Well I am happy to report that my RAH is doing everything he said he was going to do, enetering treatment, eliminating enablers from his life, etc...I can see he's making a real effort toward his recovery and sobriety. I am doing my own work and working on me and myself. The problem I have is how do I let go of the past and the awful things that have transpired resultant of his drinking?
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:28 AM
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Letting go of past hurts and pain is the hardest part, I think. I know that for me, I held every bad bit in my mind and went thru it all like reciting a litany, getting angrier each time. It took me years to forgive the hurt and pain, and the anger I held damaged my health.
There is no way I can forget incidents, but I don't keep them in front of me anymore, just filed them away far enough not to keep popping up.

Keep working on you, and eventually the past will stay in the past....unless something is repeated and then you can use those painful memories to motivate you into action that is to your benefit.
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:02 AM
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If he's like AH, he'll do everything he's supposed to for awhile, and then decide it's too much work and just go back to the previous "easy" route(ie: drinking and ranting).
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:06 AM
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Some people do get sober and stay that way.

Focus on your own recovery, and the past will take care of itself. Whether he recovers or not, the past is what it is--you don't have to live there.
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Old 05-17-2011, 09:53 PM
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RAH is at AA meeting right now and I know I should be thrilled that he is embracing the program because he has been against it for years swearing he could do it on his own, etc...I just feel so bitter still! He is doing all he humanly can to recover completely but I still feel resentment. Getting to Alanon meetings are hard for me because I have 2 little ones and I've been going as I can find sitters here and there but I don't have much support around me. Is there ever a point like maybe too much has happened for me to recover? I feel so guilty because he is doing everything he can but maybe its too late? I don't know how to let go of all the hell he has put me through. I try so hard and try to focus on today and not the past, but it still somehow rears its ugly head. Will I ever be able to trust him again? I want to, I just don't.
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Old 05-18-2011, 12:45 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls
Getting to Alanon meetings are hard for me because I have 2 little ones and I've been going as I can find sitters here and there but I don't have much support around me. Is there ever a point like maybe too much has happened for me to recover?
You have to decide how important this is for you. If you don't care about what alanon can do for you, don't go. If you do care, you'll suck it up, find the sitters and go. Also many alanon meetings (a minority but they are out there) provide childcare.
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:09 AM
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You don't go to Al-Anon to save your marriage, you go to save yourself.

Maybe too much HAS happened, and your marriage is over. Sometimes that happens. But right now you seem to be feeling very reactive and resentful. If you do your own recovery work, you will get your head clear and be able to make the best decisions for yourself and your kids, whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not.
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:00 PM
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You can participate in an on line Al Anon meeting, and reading and posting here has been a lifesaver for me. I also see a great therapist.

I know it's hard to get out when you have little ones, but you know what they say about putting your own oxygen mask on first.

One day at a time, that is how all of this is done. The past may be tough to let go of, don't expect so much of yourself so soon, just take care of you, and don't worry about him...

Wishing you the best, you are worth it, we all are worth it
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:15 PM
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Only you can decide if and when you can't do it. Early recovery can be extremely tough on loved ones. There are some meetings where child care is available. Why don't you try and call the Alanon contact number in your city and tell them your problems about child care. On line meetings do help but I've found that there is nothing like a face to face meeting. I'm sure that your husband is going to a lot of meeting but maybe you could find some for you that don't coincide with his....Are there any moms around you that you could switch out child care with?

I understand about the bitterness. Alanon has helped me to let go of my bitterness but it took an earnest effort on my part and diligently working a program. It definitely can be done.

No matter what you decide please know that it is right for you. No one has been in your shoes and no one will know when you have had enough.

Warm thoughts....
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