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Old 05-15-2011, 10:04 PM
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I'm done.

Completing the last of the dissolution paperwork tonight. Am ready to file and be done. This has been the longest 4 years of my life and I am horrified I put up with it for as long as I did. Can anyone recommend a good "memory erasing" specialist? I would kill for a complete removal of the last 4 years. For me and my daughters. Then I wouldn't have to write my amends to them for getting them involved in this to begin with. I should have known better, damnit.

Wondering what to price the engagement ring for on Craigslist? My wedding gown? What do I do with everything? Ebay?

Screw the whole first year thing. I have been waiting for a husband since the day we got married. Why wait a whole year on top of it all? How much longer do I have to wait to have a relationship where I feel trusted, wanted and valued?

I wasted 4 years. 4 YEARS! That I won't get back. Gone. And I have nothing to show for it. Except more wrinkles and gray hair. And anti-depressants. And confused teenage daughters who feel the sting of rejection by a man they trusted who violated that trust.

The saddest thing of all - I think he is relieved. Now he doesn't have to face his failure. Now he doesn't have to work to fix anything he broke. He can go find a shiny new toy. Shame is no toy stays shiny for long. Everything breaks eventually.

I prayed all weekend. Hard. Loudly. And I still hate him as much as I did the day I moved out. I can't help but think my HP is trying to tell me something. It's ok to be a quitter. Sometimes we have to quit something to allow something better to come along.
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:14 PM
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I don't know your story, but it sounds to me like you didn't get "nothing" out of it. You got a whole bunch of life lessons. You got the knowledge that you are strong enough to leave a bad relationship. You got the realization that you and your kids deserve better. You know better what you don't want for future relationships. Those are just a few. I'm happy for you that you're finishing up the paperwork and moving on to a new chapter in your life.
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Old 05-15-2011, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I can't help but think my HP is trying to tell me something. It's ok to be a quitter. Sometimes we have to quit something to allow something better to come along.
tuffgirl-I feel what you're going through. Along with having to deal with my EXABF and some nasty emails last week, his sister over the weekend, tonight, my ex-husband (a non-alcoholic, just an garden variety a**hole) emails me-he needs a copy of our divorce papers as he says he never got a copy.

Talk about triggers, talk about rewinding the extended director's cut of "This is your life, Linkmeister". I was bouncing off the walls here tonight.

I just realized that my HP was trying to show me that there's something better ahead of me now that I have shed around 360lbs of emotional baggage between dumping my EXABF and EX husband. It almost seemed that I was tying up loose ends of those relationships today and tomorrow, everything starts anew.

In this case, it IS OK to be a quitter. Go and read the "I quit" thread again- http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...03-i-quit.html to see what you're leaving behind for a better life that you and the kids deserve.

Big Hugs and lots of ESH coming your way........
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Old 05-15-2011, 11:28 PM
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Tuffgirl...you didn't "waste" 4 years. You loved and you loved well. Just cuz he's too screwed up to appreciate it does not lessen the value of your love. And...you found your true self. The strong, intelligent, beautiful, good, loving, wise woman your HP ALWAYS knew you are. You notice I didn't say "were" or "meant to be." I said ARE. Tuck that away into your very core and believe it! It's true.
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:58 AM
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Ditto on the time not being wasted. Everyone makes what turns out to have been a bad choice now and then. Look at it this way: you've shown your daughters that just because you make what turns out to have been a mistake doesn't mean you have to live with the consequences forever. You can learn from your mistake, make it right, and move on. That will be a more valuable lesson for them than you can imagine.

It's possible to be paralyzed into inaction for fear of making the "wrong" decision. Guess what. If it turns out to be wrong, you pull yourself together and extricate yourself. It's called life. It's called experience.

Don't be so quick to ask for a memory eraser. You've gained a lot of wisdom and strength as a result of these four years.

Congrats on getting the paperwork done.

Hugs,
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Old 05-16-2011, 05:04 AM
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I agree with what everyone else has said, and also, you were really smart to get out within ONLY 4 years. It could be a LOT worse. Really, 4 years just is a college degree--think of it your diploma in Life Lessons!
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
Really, 4 years just is a college degree--think of it your diploma in Life Lessons!
I love this!


Tuffgirl, you have learned so much in the last four years.
I have discovered that those who have been through an experience like ours, and truly work a recovery program, turn into the most well-balanced, happiest people I know - there for a true friend, calm in a crisis, able to extract themselves from other people's drama...
It still takes time, but we're on our way!


You deserve all the best of everything.
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:11 AM
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I completely "get" where you are coming from. I stayed for six years so don't feel so bad about staying for four. Just be thankful that you can separate yourself from his insanity. Do what you have to do. Work your program. It will get better! Maybe not today but it will get better. I'm a year and a half past my separation and divorce. It is the single best thing I have ever done for myself.
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:30 AM
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I am torn between anger and grief...understand this is a stage of grief...but not a very pleasant one.

And I am just sick of it all. Sick of the games RAH plays. They are so transparent that I am embarrassed he doesn't recognize them. He spends quality time with everyone else - gives other people what he knows I want - and tells me what he gives me is "all he has to offer". That's such BS. And he believes it! That's where I feel hopeless. He believes all of this. I found myself this weekend damn near begging for crumbs of affection and attention and it was such a major wake up call. What would I tell my daughters if they were doing what I am doing right now? Maybe have some self respect? Maybe that they can do better than this? Maybe everything you all here have posted on this thread?

The day I left, I said I needed to go find my self respect. And in a painful round-about way I did find it. If he is not man enough to own his responsibility in this marriage and actually make an attempt to repair what's broken - by his doing - than this is not a man I can respect at the end of the day.

More than sad, I am disgusted. And embarrassed. I thought I chose well this time. It's horrifying to realize just how broken my picker is. And how long I let him play me. Ugh.

He hung up on me again last night - I hate when people do that for no reason other than they don't like what you are saying. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't being rude. I was just talking about something he didn't want to hear. And again got the 'he's not responsible for my feelings' line. I hope someday he grasps the real context of that statement. It's not a license to act however you want; its not an excuse.
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:52 AM
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Good for you!!!

As for the eBaying the rings -- see, I go straight for the important parts -- I was advised to take them to a reputable jeweler for appraisal, and then see if they do consignment. Even so, I was told you can only count on getting 20-30% of the retail value. Which sucks, but then again, I'll probably take them for appraisal and find out that the diamond is really Cubic Zirconia...

I gave my wedding dress to Salvation Army. Felt great.

Onwards & upwards, girl.
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:55 AM
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Sounds like some hard times, Tuffgirl.
I echo what others have said. You've learned some hard lessons. You're survivor and you are stronger than lots and lots of other people. Try not to forget about that.
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Old 05-16-2011, 08:07 AM
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The dress, donate.
The ring, pack it away, for your girls someday.

If they are not sober & working hard on their program....
It's so pointless and exhausting.

The roller coaster ride will never stop, until one of us jumps off....

Now go paint Happy Colors on those walls in that new house of "YOURS"

My daughter came home this weekend, for the first time in almost 3 years.
She said, Gosh mom, the house looks so nice. It feels so homey. How
come you never did this before? I really love it here now. It feels like
home for the first time in years. You have done a great job mom.

(( WELL WORTH, a couple of gallons of paint & a couple of new/used
furniture piece's that I have picked up))
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Old 05-16-2011, 08:57 AM
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Yeah, I have often felt like I wasted 3.5 yrs with my exabf but hey, I did get some things out of it. It's not like it was ALL bad.

He will for sure, if he doesn't get help for his drinking, keep finding shiny new toys (actually his "shiny new toy" is a broken down dilapidated OLD toy..his ex he keeps screwing around with and has known for 7 yrs), but he's still the same miserable SOD who drinks to kill whatever pain he refuses to face. Your ex's life will always be worse than yours, so long as he keeps refusing to get help.

Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Completing the last of the dissolution paperwork tonight. Am ready to file and be done. This has been the longest 4 years of my life and I am horrified I put up with it for as long as I did. Can anyone recommend a good "memory erasing" specialist? I would kill for a complete removal of the last 4 years. For me and my daughters. Then I wouldn't have to write my amends to them for getting them involved in this to begin with. I should have known better, damnit.

Wondering what to price the engagement ring for on Craigslist? My wedding gown? What do I do with everything? Ebay?

Screw the whole first year thing. I have been waiting for a husband since the day we got married. Why wait a whole year on top of it all? How much longer do I have to wait to have a relationship where I feel trusted, wanted and valued?

I wasted 4 years. 4 YEARS! That I won't get back. Gone. And I have nothing to show for it. Except more wrinkles and gray hair. And anti-depressants. And confused teenage daughters who feel the sting of rejection by a man they trusted who violated that trust.

The saddest thing of all - I think he is relieved. Now he doesn't have to face his failure. Now he doesn't have to work to fix anything he broke. He can go find a shiny new toy. Shame is no toy stays shiny for long. Everything breaks eventually.

I prayed all weekend. Hard. Loudly. And I still hate him as much as I did the day I moved out. I can't help but think my HP is trying to tell me something. It's ok to be a quitter. Sometimes we have to quit something to allow something better to come along.
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Old 05-16-2011, 08:59 AM
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UGH My exabf used to do that to me too--hang up on me when he didn't like what I was saying. It's the ultimate in disrespect. These guys are such whiny babies!

Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I am torn between anger and grief...understand this is a stage of grief...but not a very pleasant one.

And I am just sick of it all. Sick of the games RAH plays. They are so transparent that I am embarrassed he doesn't recognize them. He spends quality time with everyone else - gives other people what he knows I want - and tells me what he gives me is "all he has to offer". That's such BS. And he believes it! That's where I feel hopeless. He believes all of this. I found myself this weekend damn near begging for crumbs of affection and attention and it was such a major wake up call. What would I tell my daughters if they were doing what I am doing right now? Maybe have some self respect? Maybe that they can do better than this? Maybe everything you all here have posted on this thread?

The day I left, I said I needed to go find my self respect. And in a painful round-about way I did find it. If he is not man enough to own his responsibility in this marriage and actually make an attempt to repair what's broken - by his doing - than this is not a man I can respect at the end of the day.

More than sad, I am disgusted. And embarrassed. I thought I chose well this time. It's horrifying to realize just how broken my picker is. And how long I let him play me. Ugh.

He hung up on me again last night - I hate when people do that for no reason other than they don't like what you are saying. I wasn't yelling, I wasn't being rude. I was just talking about something he didn't want to hear. And again got the 'he's not responsible for my feelings' line. I hope someday he grasps the real context of that statement. It's not a license to act however you want; its not an excuse.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:00 AM
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You're not a quitter, remember: Letting go is not giving up but accepting that there are things that cannot be! :o)
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:09 AM
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Aww - I'm sorry you are in such a difficult spot. I know it sucks. It is your life. Don't erase it. Don't wish it away. Cherish it, every minute, and know that it is all yours. Box up those 4 years and put them on a safe shelf and when you are ready you will open that box and look through it - and realize there are parts that were real and worthy.

FWIW I still have my ring. Someday I will remove the diamond and have it put in a different setting. When I have time to really get something meaningful.

I still have my dress too although I have no idea what to do with that. I don't even have daughters. Despite the fact that this ended sadly under an avalanche of broken dreams and broken promises, that dress symbolizes a pure and honest day of happiness for me. I will probably end up donating it - or maybe cutting it up to make something else with, but for now it just stays in its box at the back of the closet.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
Aww - I'm sorry you are in such a difficult spot. I know it sucks. It is your life. Don't erase it. Don't wish it away. Cherish it, every minute, and know that it is all yours. Box up those 4 years and put them on a safe shelf and when you are ready you will open that box and look through it - and realize there are parts that were real and worthy.

FWIW I still have my ring. Someday I will remove the diamond and have it put in a different setting. When I have time to really get something meaningful.

I still have my dress too although I have no idea what to do with that. I don't even have daughters. Despite the fact that this ended sadly under an avalanche of broken dreams and broken promises, that dress symbolizes a pure and honest day of happiness for me. I will probably end up donating it - or maybe cutting it up to make something else with, but for now it just stays in its box at the back of the closet.
Good ideas, Thumper. Maybe boxing everything up and putting it away is closure that I need now. And later - I can use the diamonds to make a nice piece of jewelry for my daughters.

I was happy on my wedding day. But I was also scared and worried. I knew something was wrong. My stomach hurt and I ate nothing that evening. Except a bite of cake.

I knew then something was wrong but I didn't know what it was. Took me another year to acknowledge what it really was. So the dress for me symbolizes a decision I should not have made. I didn't want to let anyone down by cancelling the wedding. Gawd. That's pathetic. I married this guy when I knew there was something wrong; even after he refused pre-marital counseling, because I didn't want to be embarrassed by cancelling the wedding. I remember being uncomfortable all evening - something gnawing at me...I see now it was my HP trying to steer me in another direction and I didn't listen. Well, I am listening now. Ears and eyes wide open.

I did love him, openly, honestly, and completely. I showed up for this marriage. I trusted him with myself and my daughters. I was willing to try things I was afraid of and embraced that fear. I DID THE RIGHT THING! I should be proud of that.

Maybe one day I will look back and feel all that I just wrote. Right now I just feel numb and apathetic. That's when I knew I was done - I felt apathy. For the first time in four years.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I didn't want to let anyone down by cancelling the wedding. Gawd. That's pathetic. I married this guy when I knew there was something wrong; even after he refused pre-marital counseling, because I didn't want to be embarrassed by cancelling the wedding. I remember being uncomfortable all evening .
Same here! I thought about it so many times. I even told my parents once (about a month before the wedding) after having a fight with my AH that I wasn't getting married. My mom freaked out so I took it back and told her, "forget it, I'm just saying that cause I'm really upset right now." But for the whole year I was engaged I kept thinking something was going to happen, like some external force was going to keep me from making that mistake, but nothing happened and I went through with it.
And, wanna hear what happened on my wedding day? Right after the ceremony we got into the car and on our way to the reception my AH told me he hadn't pack for the honeymoon (we were leaving right after the party) so he would have to leave our wedding party for a while to go pack. I got really upset but didn't have much of a choice, so tried to put up with it. He missed most of the party, and when he came back he got hammered like in half an hour and passed out... I felt so lame all night. The next morning as we were on our way to the honeymoon I kept telling myself "I'm going to wake up and find out this was all a nightmare, this couldn't have been my wedding day".
No need to say, I don't want anything that reminds me of that day. I just hope some day to get married again and have a wedding day I can be happy to remember...
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:43 PM
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No life advice here, but I do have ebay advice!

I say sell them. I sell everything. If I'm not wearing it and/or won't wear it, it's cash in hand. Look up as many similar items online as possible, including searching ebay's "Completed Listings", to get an idea of cost, then take a few pics, post, and go. I'm assuming you're already familiar with ebay and have a paypal account. If not, message me and I'll walk you through it.

(Considering the hard knocks I've been dealt, I've gotten really shrewd about my "side" money. Always have a second thing going as far as I'm concerned. )
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Old 05-16-2011, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
No life advice here, but I do have ebay advice!

I say sell them. I sell everything. If I'm not wearing it and/or won't wear it, it's cash in hand. Look up as many similar items online as possible, including searching ebay's "Completed Listings", to get an idea of cost, then take a few pics, post, and go. I'm assuming you're already familiar with ebay and have a paypal account. If not, message me and I'll walk you through it.

(Considering the hard knocks I've been dealt, I've gotten really shrewd about my "side" money. Always have a second thing going as far as I'm concerned. )
As a purchaser, not a seller! I may be in touch..., thanks!
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